Cornelius Hickey (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
spotsalone) wrote2025-04-11 07:04 pm
spotsalone) wrote2025-04-11 07:04 pm
Entry tags:
angelo and the hickster's post-belle arctic adventures
angelo cr chart
mutineers cr chart...
timeline:
- arrival; late july, mutineers' hill
- tent chats; early august, temporary camp
- spotting the ships; late august, terror camp
- tuunbaq attack; sept 1, ice floe camp
- boarding terror; fellas it's gay; early sept, hms terror
- dog to dog communication; early sept, forecastle
- bark bark bark; early sept, on deck
- coat! and post-tozer debrief; early sept, angelo's cabin
- 🌶️; early sept, hickey's cabin
- the dogs are unionizing(?); mid sept, cargo hold
- tozer/captain stuff, look at them having an adult conversation; mid sept, greatroom
- little rescue mission; early oct, terror bay
- post-little debrief; early oct, hickey's cabin
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"Anything, for you."
If he were in a more coherent state of mind, he wouldn't believe him, and yet right now all he can think is Is this what 'anything' tastes like? If it is, then it's good. Even with an aftertaste of his own precum in Elias' mouth, Angelo can't help pushing off the bed a little to press into the kiss, to get closer even when closer is physically impossible.
I want this.
A terrifying realization with terrifying weight. Angelo wraps an arm around Elias' waist, pulling him in (closer, closer) and his other hand awkwardly worms between them to try and help with getting those useless pants off. He ends up hindering more than he's helping, but maybe that's fine-- It's the most enthusiasm he's ever had for getting another man's clothes off his body, and maybe that counts for something if he really, truly wants to enjoy this.
Wanting alone does not undo all the damage that has accumulated in his body and mind, he knows. There is a very real chance that he'll get hurt, and that's it. Not just because he's under-prepared and there is no lubricant available, but also because his psyche might simply reject all that he is currently so desperate to overwrite the past with. Any moment, he could grow numb and cold again, merely an object for someone else's pleasure. The prospect hadn't bothered him when he thought of this only as an exercise to bind Elias to him with his own desire, or as an experiment to see what Elias would be like in the throws of it-- It hadn't bothered him, because in none of the ways he framed it to himself did it ever have anything to do with him. His own physical form was a vehicle for greater goals, a means to an end.
Yet now he's felt it - the sparks that can run through him when he's touched just the right way by a person of his own choosing. Weird and wrong, too unfamiliar to be entirely comfortable, but yet enticing - full of potential. Angelo wants to hear Elias' hot breath, his strained sighs, and know that they're in this together, and maybe then-- Maybe then, when the noises are no longer revolting, maybe then he'll feel it completely. ]
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Hold on.
[ He mumbles the words against Angelo's lips as he dedicates both hands to unbuttoning his trousers. Before long, he's shoving them down and off, a motion made awkward by his reluctance to part from the kiss. Arousal pools heavily in his groin as he guides Angelo down onto the bed, laying him onto his back and climbing on top.
How good it feels to be naked like this, another body warm and wanting underneath his, hands groping hungrily, cocks rubbing together between them. Elias grinds down into the heat of it, a soft sigh escaping him at the stimulation he's been craving. It's a relief, but only just. He's going to need to keep himself on a tight leash to stop from getting carried away.
He pulls back to kneel between Angelo's legs again. This is where the mechanics of sex start to annoy him. There's just enough necessary preamble to feel like an interruption, so he wastes no time spitting into his palm to slick himself up.
His eyes drift over Angelo as he strokes himself, though. He's not eager to hurry past this view of him spread open and panting, lips red and cock swollen from all that Elias has done to him already. This sight is only for him. He wills himself to fixate on that thought rather than on the fear still lingering from a few moments ago. ]
God, you're stunning.
[ A breathless statement as he pulls Angelo into his lap, angling his hips upward. Slowly, he eases inside, his breaths coming heavy and measured, trying to tamp down his own pleasure until Angelo can accommodate him. ]
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Elias' cock brushes against his own and Angelo's jaw drops as he lets out a desperate high-pitched sigh. He barely recognizes his own voice like this. He must be looking disgraceful, debauched to the fullest, reduced to nothing but this-- but Elias tells him he's stunning and all he can do is wish fervently that he truly believes that. That he sees something more in him than a consumable, even now. ]
... nnhh...
[ It hurts a little, to be entered without proper preparation. The pain is nothing in comparison to what he had to endure before, but if his goal is to enjoy rather than merely survive, then perhaps even this much pain is worth paying attention to...? What are his limits, what are necessary concessions? He doesn't know. It all feels a little ridiculous, especially when he's bursting with fearful anticipation of what is to come, but... He rests his hands on Elias' hipbones, slender and hot below his shaky fingers, and exhales slowly.
His heart is beating so wildly. He tries to will himself to relax, but at the same time he's an exposed wire, sensitive to all. ]
... you should say my name, too.
[ He's heard his name whispered and screamed in unpleasant voices, a cacophony in his memory. He doesn't want to remember that. He only wants to think of the way the Captain said it and of-- ]
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It's a carnal thing, yes, but there's an unfamiliar neediness to it, too. This feels significant in a way it hasn't with others, like they're consummating this undefinable connection between them. Alarm bells still ring in his head, but Elias slides in a little deeper and sees the look in Angelo's eyes and just like that, the alarm bells are out of earshot. Whatever deadly mess this will eventually become, for tonight, they are together, and he can make Angelo happy in a way that no one else can. When he's left standing alone in the wreckage, at least he'll have this one unmarred memory to hold onto.
He's still drunk on it when Angelo speaks again. Elias grins, benignly irritated at being told what to do by the man he's fucking. He wants to resist just to be stubborn, but he did just say anything, didn't he?
One hand hooks under Angelo's thigh to hold him open, and Elias leans forward, nipping at the hinge of his jaw, nuzzling against his temple. ]
Mm, Angelo...
[ His breath is hot and loud against Angelo's cheek, controlled still but just barely so. His hips rock forward again, and again there's a little more give. It's Elias' turn for a desperate sigh, the sound so quiet it'd be lost if not for their proximity.
His voice is quiet too, but just as desperate. ]
Take all of me. I want to bury myself in you.
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Closer, closer. It feels so good when Elias leans in to him and Angelo's arms wrap around his shoulders, nails digging into skin just to keep him there. Part of him wants to tell Elias to just hurry it up, to push into him all the way with no regard for pain, to claim him as he desires... but the slow gradual forward rhythm is too sweet a torture. It's filled with care, it feels warm. ]
Yes... I want all of you.
[ Angelo angles his head so he can kiss Hickey's throat, soft and fleeting. ]
As deep as you can reach - give me everything. Take everything.
[ It's a manic kind of prayer to say it all out loud, but his heart is screaming for it. Take me, consume me, devour me, make me a part of you.
With every careful thrust of Elias' hips, Angelo's body allows more of him inside. Closer, closer. The hold on Elias' shoulders was designed to keep him from leaving, but quickly shifts purpose. Now Angelo is holding on to steady himself. Closer, closer. He's taken larger men before, but that was years ago. It's difficult now, to adjust to the feeling of fullness, but it is also more rewarding than it had ever been before.
When Elias finally bottoms out, Angelo feels delirious with desire. Gasps have turned to moans and tears sting in his eyes, and he wants. ]
-- more.
[ He doesn't think he's ever asked this of someone in earnest. ]
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They belong to each other now. It's that thought that finally burns up the last of his composure.
He props himself up on his elbows, wishing the bed were wider as he negotiates for a better angle. His hips work into a steady rhythm, heavy and deliberate, fully seating himself inside with each thrust. Angelo wants every part of him, and that's what he'll get.
Elias rises up to look at Angelo and his eyes are hazy with hunger, jaw slack as he pants, hair hanging in his face. He's lost in the overwhelm. One last thread of rational thought urges him to remember discretion—they could easily be overheard with Angelo moaning like he is—but he can't bring himself to hold back. Whatever the consequences, he'll resolve them in the morning. He won't compromise Angelo's first brush with ecstasy. ]
You're so— mmnh—
[ The words dissolve into a groan. He scoops his arm under Angelo's shoulders, cradling him as his head drops again to press into the pillow. Harder, faster... He can't help himself. His other hand slides between them to close around Angelo's cock, eager to see what other sounds he can get out of him. ]
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He could hold the noises back if he tried, but he's past the point of wanting to try. Elias' hand is stroking him to match the way his cock is reaching every hidden part of him, and Angelo feels light-headed with it. It's reminiscent of the foggy bliss he'd get from the rare good drug trip back in the day, but now it's entirely from within. He wants, he wants, he wants. ]
Elias, ah-- Elias...
[ Gasped against his shoulder, hot lips trailing over his skin. He likes when I say his name is one of the few conscious thoughts that floats through Angelo's mind as he tries to rut back against Elias' hips, chasing sensation. Before they began, Angelo had entertained thoughts of putting his skills to use, but what he is doing now is a lot less practiced, simply graceless instinct.
He doesn't know how long they've been losing themselves in this rhythm, but he does know that he won't last much longer, with all this tension pooling tightly in his gut. ]
-- everything-- I want--
[ It's hardly a full thought to begin with and he doesn't finish it before his mind goes blank and he spills over Elias' hand and his own chest. He's clinging to Elias tightly the whole way through, not willing to compromise on even an inch of their togetherness. He's lost in his own pleasure now, for the first time, but it's only Elias' body that can anchor him in it, keep him from getting lost in nameless anxieties instead. He wants to melt into him, shuddering sweaty mess that he is, and never resurface. ]
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He shouldn't. The muffled moans, Elias breathed into his skin, Angelo's pelvis canting up to meet his— What an intoxicating picture. They haven't had much luck communicating through words, and now, they finally understand each other.
Angelo breaks just as Elias starts to feel his own crescendo building. There's a moment when he thinks he'll be able to hang on a little bit longer, but then Angelo jerks in his hand and throbs around his cock and it's too much, it's too much— ]
Fuck... Ah, Angelo—
[ He grabs for Angelo's thigh as he drives in desperately, spending hard inside of him in hot, heavy pulses. He stifles a groan, burying his face in Angelo's hair as he claims him. His. His grip on Angelo's leg is tight enough to hurt.
He thrusts lazily once, twice more as his orgasm quells, exhausted yet not quite ready to be finished. It's all he can do to lower himself gently onto Angelo rather than collapsing entirely, lungs heaving, skin flushed and damp with sweat. Angelo's cum is striped across both their chests, and God does Elias love the feel of it, both of them a mess from one another.
Will Angelo find this disgusting too, he wonders? There's an inherent sloppiness to sex, one that Elias enjoys as part of the fun. Sex is not meant to be a pristine, sterile thing. He suspects they will disagree on this point, but he doesn't care. He'll clean them both up in a minute. Maybe two.
First, he's going to drink in the afterglow. He shifts just enough to position them for comfort over utility, though he doesn't pull out just yet. ]
...You smell nice.
[ The first words to leave his mouth without his permission in who knows how long. His voice is soft and absent, like he's barely registered he's said anything at all. ]
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Angelo's fingers, which had been tightly digging into Elias' shoulder blades, finally relax and his hands drop down to rest on the small of Elias' back instead. His skin is still burning up with residual heat from their union, their consummation, their--
You smell nice.
There's a little laugh from Angelo, startled and shaky. His voice is quiet, a little dreamy. ]
...now of all times to say this...?
[ All his efforts with soap and perfume must surely be washed away by the sweaty sheen covering his body, leaving him like any other body. Just meat, just flesh, just--
-- it felt good.
His mind is a jumble, but the finished thought cuts through him like a clear ring from a bell through white noise. It felt good. For the first time in his life, he'd been craving more rather than merely lying back and waiting until it was all over. With Elias inside him, he'd been desperate for it, to have him deeper and harder, pressing up against all the most sensitive parts of himself. A feeling he could not have imagined for himself, that didn't factor even into his most private fantasies. Wanting. ]
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So critical.
[ It's a joke, and although he's tempted to take it one step further and poke fun at how Angelo was just practically begging to be fucked, he knows better.
He's reluctant to untangle their limbs just yet, but if he lets himself melt too much, he'd be more than content to fall asleep like this. With a slight grumble, he extracts his arm from under Angelo and reaches over the side of the bed. He paws blindly for a moment before finding the topmost drawer there, where he had the forethought to stash some essentials earlier in the day.
He kisses Angelo's cheek and then lazily lifts himself up, back to his knees, so he can wipe away the mess with a washcloth nicked from the sick bay. ]
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The thought doesn't continue, because regarding this as 'filth' like he used to suddenly feels wrong. It's not filth, it's not clean, it's just... It's cum, nothing more or less. Maybe it really is that simple. So why does trying to wrap his mind around it threaten to make him feel sick?
It's good that Elias is already on the case to try and clean them up a little, which Angelo lets happen without really moving. He's worn out, physically, and his mind feels as though it's been wrapped in cotton. Angelo watches him with a dazed expression, and his vision feels blurred. It takes a second until he realizes that it's tears filling his eyes. ]
... are you always so well-prepared...?
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He's half a second late in conjuring up some quip at being asked about sleeping with others, his mind still waking up again. It works in his favor, though. When he glances up, his grin falters. Something is wrong.
He freezes, unsure of how to interpret the tears, but he does reach for Angelo's hand. ]
Are you alright?
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I don't...
[ It had felt so warm to be with Elias. He'd felt so complete, wrapped up in another person. Swallowed up and consumed, yet not diminished. This whole time, this whole entire time, that capacity had still rested within him. ]
I am alright, so why...
[ He grips Elias' hand tightly, as if he's holding onto him yet again. ]
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So...? What is this? ]
It has... been a tiring day.
[ Loathe as he is to remind either of them of their earlier argument, perhaps that is the cause. Relief can bring about tears, can't it? Or exhaustion? They've fought twice now in quick succession over something important to Angelo, something raw that clearly still eats at him. And obviously his relationship to sex has been a fraught one, but Elias doesn't see why he should be upset over that given this experience has been a good one.
He thinks, anyway. Under no circumstances will be be so pathetic as to ask if Angelo enjoyed himself, but he must have, right?
At a loss for what else to do, he tosses the washcloth to the floor. Then, he pulls up a blanket from the foot of the bed and nudges Angelo over a little so they can settle in together under it. ]
Come here.
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And yet Angelo is glad to slot his shamefully naked body right against Elias', seeking to prolong the feeling of togetherness that has bloomed between them. The tears continue falling and there is no amount of stubbornness that seems to want to stop them, so Angelo surrenders himself. ]
... I thought my body had long forgotten how to feel this way.
[ A quiet admission as he wraps his arm around Elias' waist and intertwines their legs. It is followed by a small strangled sob. His body really is a traitor. ]
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Forgotten how to feel this way... It makes sense and it doesn't, and his attempts to wrap his head around the sentiment are hindered by the fogginess in his own mind. ]
Well, I'm glad it hasn't.
[ How horrible it would be for his bliss to be one-sided. He'd said he didn't want to enjoy this at Angelo's expense, and he meant it. He trails his hand over Angelo's back. ]
That's a good thing, isn't it? You said you wanted to forget. Now you can, with time. Overwrite them all.
[ It won't be so simple. Even he knows that, but maybe if he pretends it will be... His confidence has rubbed off on Angelo before. ]
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You'd like that, wouldn't you? Overwrite every single of those times, one by one?
[ He tilts his head so he can press a kiss to Elias' lips, chaste and soft. There's a shaky smile playing at his lips - the teasing would come across better if his face wasn't still wet with tears, but there's nothing he can do about that right now. ]
You have your work cut out for you.
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I'm not worried. I've faced far more insurmountable challenges and come out ahead.
[ Far more unpleasant challenges, as well. The ask is hardly anything that he wouldn't already do, and happily.
Elias cups Angelo's cheek in his hand, brushing away tears with his thumb. He still doesn't quite understand them and no longer wants to, so he's removing them from the equation. ]
Stay here tonight. With me.
[ A very bad idea, but he doesn't care. They can get away with it once. ]
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I will.
[ The offer is a relief, a solution for a problem he hadn't wholly thought about facing yet. But the thought of going back to his own cabin, smelling of sweat and sex and aching from underprepared penetration... It makes him shudder. He'd much rather remain right here, Elias' arms wrapped tightly around him. As long as Elias is here, to look at him like he's precious...
He'll be able to forget the way his face looked earlier today, the hurt in his eyes, the horrifying gulf opening up between.
Angelo runs his hand along Elias' upper arm, just enjoying the feeling of skin on skin for nothing but its own sake. He hadn't thought it pleasant before, so it's new to explore. ]
... this is what it's all meant to feel like, isn't it?
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But a similar sentiment had been lurking in Elias' head already, simmering just under the surface of conscious thought. This is what he wants all of this to feel like. It's what he wanted the first night they kissed, and again today instead of arguing over the Captain. He wants this easy yet all-encompassing affection, for both of them to be lost in each other, thinking of nothing but themselves.
He wants to feel like Angelo loves him, even after knowing so much of who he is. Elias has revealed so much of his hand already, admitting to lies and tactics and motivations he still feels foolish for sharing. Ruthless, Angelo called him once, and he wasn't off the mark. There's plenty he still doesn't know, but he knows enough, and he's still here to demand that Elias chase away his demons and give him something to live for.
This is what it's meant to feel like. Elias can't decide if that means Angelo is wrong and his heart is not so separate from this as he thinks, or if this is simply the best they're going to get. Meant to, like they're still playing pretend because it can never be real, even if it seems unfathomable that it isn't.
Time will tell, he supposes. Elias brushes the stray hair out of Angelo's face, his smile tinged with a hint of sadness. There's one more promise he can make, in secret: Angelo does not need to know that they're doomed. He already knows where Elias stands in regards to the captain, how he feels and what he wants, and that can be the end of it. Angelo will act on it or he won't, but Elias won't harp on the issue. All that would serve would be to squander the precious time they do have together. If they're destined to fall apart anyway, then why waste their energy on pointless hurt?
Avoiding further pain will be easier to accomplish if he lets Angelo believe the issue is behind them. When this connection between them can no longer keep them afloat, the fallout may be greater for it, but that's still preferable to the alternative. If they're going to destroy each other, it may as well be over something worth the sacrifice. ]
It is, yes. Tell me you believe now that you are more than just a body to me.
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Yet, he does believe. Now, more than ever.
To Elias, the body and the mind are one. It took feeling him all around and inside for Angelo to understand that. Where Angelo has spent his life trying to outrun his body, Elias is his flesh. The way his lips press against Angelo's forehead, the way his hand comes to rest on the small of his back, all of it is Elias' voice and Angelo had been deaf to it. He'd used to think of it as degrading to be reduced to the body, and he hadn't been able to fathom how the customers who lost themselves in lust willingly threw away their minds and wills to become just animated meat, nothing more. Low, vile, disgusting.
It doesn't feel disgusting when Elias is touching him, and it doesn't feel empty. Elias loves his body, yet when he touches it, he's also reaching beyond the skin. When he touches it, he touches Angelo, and the flesh and the soul are one and the same for the first time in his life.
Angelo exhales slowly, as if preparing himself to speak a vow. ]
I do believe you. Even before, I knew you meant it. I just couldn't... I didn't get it. I didn't know I could still feel like myself when someone else is touching me.
[ He shifts again, his hand wandering from Elias' side back to a familiar spot over his heart. ]
This is me. I'm not disappearing.
[ There is a hint of wonder hidden in the melancholy of his voice as he whispers it. ]
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It bothers him, he realizes, that so much of Angelo's sense of self seems tied up in external things. That's never been an issue for Elias, but he's seen it before, countless times. Most of the men on this expedition suffered from it, equating their value to their rank. Foolish. Weak.
Angelo is neither of those things. ]
I wish you saw yourself as I see you. To think of you disappearing...
[ He blows out a breath. Such a thing does not sound possible. ]
Should that happen, I'd simply say something to annoy you. You'd find your way back to me through sheer spite.
[ Said as a joke, but he does mean it in earnest. Elias does not enjoy pissing Angelo off, but it would be a quick way to return him to himself should he need an urgent grounding. ]
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Is that a promise or an example?
[ Talk about a drastic tonal mismatch to the gravity he'd just imbued his words with! But despite miming irritation through what he's saying, there's a small grin on his lips.
Mismatched, flippant, even rude... But it's a good promise nevertheless. To draw on the anger at his core to keep him anchored, to pull at that inconvenient, fundamental part of him to keep him tethered... It could be romantic, if it weren't said with such an irritating little smile.
The truth is, Angelo also wants to see himself as Elias does. ]
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I can't reveal all my secrets, can I?
[ He settles on his back this time, wrapping an arm around Angelo as soon as he's got the cigarette lit.
Elias is aware that Angelo's earlier sentiment is deserving of more attention than he's giving it. It's quite a heavy thing, the realization that this form of human connection is not as lost to him as he once thought. What a paradigm shift that would be.
But it's not something he wants to discuss now, the topic brushing up too closely against the bombs they've set off in past conversations. Earlier today, Elias had been trying his damnedest to avoid a fight, and it backfired spectacularly. What if that happens again? Landing themselves in another argument now would have disastrous consequences. He won't allow it.
He hugs Angelo to him and exhales in a sigh, careful to blow the smoke away from Angelo's face. He offers the cigarette. ]
I'm glad to see you happy.
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Angelo takes the offered cigarette gratefully. The first time they shared a smoke like this had been back in the promenade, and Angelo remembers feeling antsy about the contamination of another mouth. Now, he prefers it like this. A cigarette to each of them would make them equals, but one cigarette for both makes them one an the same. Another link in the chain to bind them together, despite the growing cracks beneath their feet.
Inhaling deeply, Angelo can pretend that he feels the tobacco settling in his lungs, dooming him with every drag. Dirty from the inside out, and yet... ]
... I'd be happier if we had a proper shower.
[ He blows out a small puff of smoke from the cigarette before he gives it back. ]
But we'll work up to it - that's what you'll say, isn't it?
[ To live, to truly live. Even now, Elias should keep promising him a better life, right? ]
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