Cornelius Hickey (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
spotsalone) wrote2025-04-11 07:04 pm
spotsalone) wrote2025-04-11 07:04 pm
Entry tags:
angelo and the hickster's post-belle arctic adventures
angelo cr chart
mutineers cr chart...
timeline:
- arrival; late july, mutineers' hill
- tent chats; early august, temporary camp
- spotting the ships; late august, terror camp
- tuunbaq attack; sept 1, ice floe camp
- boarding terror; fellas it's gay; early sept, hms terror
- dog to dog communication; early sept, forecastle
- bark bark bark; early sept, on deck
- coat! and post-tozer debrief; early sept, angelo's cabin
- 🌶️; early sept, hickey's cabin
- the dogs are unionizing(?); mid sept, cargo hold
- tozer/captain stuff, look at them having an adult conversation; mid sept, greatroom
- little rescue mission; early oct, terror bay
- post-little debrief; early oct, hickey's cabin
no subject
And then there was Elias, the best and worst of them all. Perhaps he is right. It's not high praise. Maybe the choice Angelo had made in his head isn't high praise either. But the reality of it? That's something Elias shouldn't be allowed to deny. ]
You kind of took a bullet for me, remember?
[ Accidentally, but nevertheless. It does bear repeating.
However, there's a quiet, a little softer addition that comes after the tease: ]
... but that wasn't the reason.
no subject
You said that didn't count.
[ That is not what Angelo said, but it's how Elias remembers it. That's not the calculation you made in your head when you did it, is it? Surely that applies beyond just one conversation.
The cigarette is nearly spent now. He takes a short pull and then offers it again. ]
Finish this. What was the reason, then?
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Something that is difficult to voice without betraying the full horrible depth of his feelings. It's a tightrope he now needs to walk, if he wants to be believed.
Angelo takes the cigarette and finishes it with a deep, deep inhale and exhale. His words come out with a puff of smoke. ]
... being with you calmed me down.
[ That is... not necessarily the case now that they truly got their claws into each other, drawing blood and yet not letting go. Another way in which Angelo's simplified view of Elias has betrayed him. But like this, pressed up close, he can almost believe again. ]
no subject
But the answer he gets makes his heart skip a beat. The high that follows is immediately quashed by a gutting reminder of how precariously balanced they are. He tenses, his breathing coming a little quicker as hurt twists itself into frustration. He doesn't want to be good for Angelo. What's the point? It will amount to nothing in the end. Worse, it will further rub salt in the wound. If they're a poor match, at least the eventual rejection will make sense. At least then he'll be able to blame his inherent selfishness or his willingness to use anyone who falls within his orbit... Anything but an inevitability he could not control.
He stubs out the spent cigarette and sets it aside with the ashtray. He doesn't know what to say to this. They can't even have a light conversation without having to contort every word around a smattering of landmines.
So, for lack of any better response: ]
Why?
no subject
Still, he's set them on this course, and he can't very well decide to not answer now. At least he's figured out how he wants to phrase it. ]
You were a comforting darkness. The others were too bright. Ugly white fluorescent lights, exposing all in their wake, no matter what, no matter how. Next to them, all my stains would become plain.
But you... you're from the same world that I am. With you, I could stand in the comfortable twilight. Nothing I don't want seen would be shown, and if it were... You'd tell me it's reasonable. It's admirable. You'll think I'm beautiful.
[ Somewhere in this little speech, the timeline shifted. An elaboration of the past becomes an elaboration of the present instead. Admirable. Not a day has passed that this word hasn't echoed in his mind. ]
I'll never be clean again. Not ever in my whole life. I can't get it back. And you made me feel like I could keep going for another minute, another day, even as dirty as I am. You were my refuge.
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So much of it is exactly what Elias wants to hear—which makes it feel like a targeted attack. He wants to call it all a lie even though it's blatantly not—but it doesn't make sense, either. My heart belongs to the Captain. How can both things be true? And where is the resolve he had earlier? Anything, for you, and God did he mean it, but it's much more difficult to feel the knife at his throat and still say go ahead.
He can't leave, but now staying feels impossible. He can't do this. Already, this hurts so badly that he can't pretend it doesn't. It fogs up his head, leaves him lost and balking in indecision when he's so used to his mind running at a gallop. It's like forgetting how to breathe. Even if he decides the sacrifice is worth it, how? He doesn't know how to be that person.
He's already been silent for far too long, but opening his mouth may as well be pulling a trigger. Angelo has cornered him. There's no hope of escaping into some deflection. His plan to preserve this memory unmarred is already ruined, as they are apparently incapable of existing near each other without the walls caving in.
Angelo knows what kind of person he is. Elias could claim it was all just a manipulation tactic, playing into Angelo's insecurities, telling him what he so clearly needed to hear... Catastrophic, but it would spare them both. They're too far gone for a painless escape.
A mercy, really. Like Billy. ]
I would tell you that, yes. I'm glad to hear my strategy has worked so well. You...
[ His voice is already hollow, and it dies out as he hears his own words. If he tells Angelo it was all a lie, he would believe it, wouldn't he? Because Elias is the type of person who would tease out a vulnerability and use it like a tool.
Angelo knows this, and he frames it as a refuge. Comforting darkness. No one has ever...
His eyes find the coat hanging next to the bed, just a dark shape against white paint. ]
...It wasn't a strategy. I meant every word. I don't know how you've inspired me to care what you think of yourself, but...
[ Again, he loses the thread. Maddening. He exhales, teeth clenched, and works his arm under the blanket to hold Angelo to him. His nose presses into Angelo's hair. ]
I don't understand what I am to you.
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Elias holds him tightly, clammy skin to clammy skin, and for the first time since they finished their act, he feels naked and exposed. ]
... that makes two of us.
[ It's difficult to breathe with his face pressed into the crook of Elias' neck, but Angelo makes no move to shift away. ]
What you are to me, what I am to you... I don't know any better than this.
[ The way Elias phrased it seems like a bad joke. How he 'inspired him' to care? As if Angelo had ever had one of those precious strategies about it, as if he'd ever asked for Elias to contort himself over the basic facts of his existence. Is it that Elias is trying to make up for desiring someone filthy? Is Angelo too low to consider as someone to love, so he has to prop him up to make himself feel better? Angelo isn't sure if he could blame him.
But that's not how Elias had touched him. That's not how he looks at him, when they are not sinking into this spiral of... Of what? What is this? Is it misunderstanding or is it that they understand a little too clearly?
It would be nice if Elias could remain optimistic about this. Willfully, unshakably optimistic, as he always was, even in the face of death. How could he place enough weight on Angelo to somehow let that shatter? ]
no subject
Buried somewhere in everything they've said today, in words or otherwise, is the key Elias is looking for. It's just a matter of sifting through the rubble, he knows. Something better saved for tomorrow, when he's rested. And alone. ]
Let's not do this tonight.
[ He lays a hand against Angelo's cheek, drawing back some to allow their eyes to meet. ]
But know that I want you here with me. More than anything.
[ He smiles again, this time warm and genuine. For all the turbulence of today, the simple fact of wanting Angelo has not changed. If anything, that desire runs more deeply now. A stubborn, wounded part of him still wants to burn it down and run, but he bites it back, at least for tonight. If that decision must be made, he'll make it another day. ]
no subject
'Let's not do this tonight,' might just be the greatest verbal point of agreement they've had all day.
From this close, he can make our Elias' face even in the darkness, and he manages a crooked smile in return. Elias still wants him here. It's a good peace offer, smoothing over a battle they had never meant to start to begin with. ]
Mhm.
[ Words have consistently failed him today, so he decides to reciprocate the reassurance with the ghost of a kiss to the lips instead. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else is too difficult to say out loud, when they both know that there is a single impossible dream that threatens to render it a lie. ]
Sleep well, Elias.
[ It doesn't take much to shift into a position that feels comfortable to fall asleep in. Just about any way they could be tangled up could have done. It's the sheer warmth of it that really does him in and drags him back into a weary drowsiness in no time at all. The anguish that they cause each other will be held at bay by it for just a little longer.
Even knowing that Elias is the man who could destroy him, Angelo feels safe when he drifts into sleep. ]