Cornelius Hickey (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
spotsalone) wrote2025-04-11 07:04 pm
spotsalone) wrote2025-04-11 07:04 pm
Entry tags:
angelo and the hickster's post-belle arctic adventures
angelo cr chart
mutineers cr chart...
timeline:
- arrival; late july, mutineers' hill
- tent chats; early august, temporary camp
- spotting the ships; late august, terror camp
- tuunbaq attack; sept 1, ice floe camp
- boarding terror; fellas it's gay; early sept, hms terror
- dog to dog communication; early sept, forecastle
- bark bark bark; early sept, on deck
- coat! and post-tozer debrief; early sept, angelo's cabin
- 🌶️; early sept, hickey's cabin
- the dogs are unionizing(?); mid sept, cargo hold
- tozer/captain stuff, look at them having an adult conversation; mid sept, greatroom
- little rescue mission; early oct, terror bay
- post-little debrief; early oct, hickey's cabin
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[ A soft noise of understanding, though there is no actual understanding here. Angelo knows where London is, roughly, but he has no idea what it would possibly be like in this time, nor where Manchester is or what reputation that might have.
But this seems to be all that he's getting from Elias here. He saw the way his expression tightened - had been watching for it from the corner of his eyes, in fact. It feels unfair, the way Elias clams up as soon as the topic comes to himself, when it feels as though he knows Angelo inside out, with every dirty secret included. Angelo is not going to argue, though. They've had enough of that. And whoever Elias once may have been, it is not a self he will return to.
Angelo puts the cigarette down on the corner of ashtray for Elias' taking, and slips his arm under the blanket so he can rest it directly across Elias' chest. Even heated, the interior of the Terror is chilly, but they can ward it off by siphoning heat from each other. Something poetic about that, maybe. Angelo closes his eyes. ]
I don't know where we'd get the money, but once we leave here... This place, maybe this world... we should go to a nice hotel. Sleep in a spacious double bed. This one is so cramped.
[ But cramped as it may be, he's content. 'Happy', Elias had called him, and it may not have been entirely off-base. ]
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But after all that he's accomplished, all that he's sacrificed, all that he's overcome... He'll be right back where he started, in a sense. Maybe even worse off. He has a few pounds to his name that might've been worth something in the Sandwich Islands, but if they leave this place entirely? Immortality may have extended his life, but it's done nothing to fill it. He's been granted both a future and a companion, yet he has the means to support neither.
Such a prospect would be less daunting if he only had himself to worry about. He can handle anything. Angelo is plenty resilient too, but he shouldn't need to be. Their present situation is destitute by necessity; they are starving and freezing and filthy because everyone is, and no amount of money would change that. Even then, Elias has managed to climb to the top, all because the mutiny eliminated rank as based on class and funds.
So what happens when they're no longer cushioned by this bubble? Their lives will not improve by much once they're past this, and they won't have the arctic to blame for it. ]
That sounds nice.
[ He offers a placating smile, letting the cigarette burn. He doesn't want to think about the future. He doesn't want to think about the past, either. All he wants is to pretend that this moment is enough, with Angelo warm and snug against him, their legs tangled together, the gentle weight of him resting on Elias' shoulder, his chest. The bed may be cramped, but he wouldn't want the extra space, anyway.
Before he gets too comfortable, he raises up just enough to blow out the candle next to the bed, leaving the small cabin dark save for the aurora's green glow seeping in through the skylight. He's tired, though sleeping would mean an end to their night and he's not ready to give that up yet. ]
I'm more interested in all this technology you describe. I can't picture it.
[ There's a beat as his mind zips through a series of thoughts: machines, ships, soldiers, I'll freeze to death in the endless vacuum of space. Hm. He picks up the cigarette again. ]
Why did you come to see me after I was caught for Andrew's murder?
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Is Elias trying to probe for it? Is he trying to recreate the conditions that nearly broke them apart earlier today, to test their new foundation? It feels like paranoia to question this, but with Elias Angelo can never quite know.
He's quiet for a moment, an uncharacteristic moment of hesitation that may just be read as drowsiness instead. The full truth of this is far from how he feels today, and the weight of Elias' newly-discovered insecurities still sits heavily on his chest. ]
A whim.
[ Angelo doesn't like lying, so he won't. But he is unused to spinning his words, to being considerate in what he says. His index finger trails an idle circle over Elias' chesz as he speaks. ]
I was annoyed that you'd get yourself killed, really. I enjoyed your company more than any other's.
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Annoyed with me?
[ He scoffs. It's teasing, and obviously so. ]
I was only caught because Ish sold me out. I could've talked my way out of the suspicion over the frog toy.
[ Maybe. If he had had more time, he's sure he could've swung things back in his favor, but... Well, who cares? He was caught because he was meant to be. If he hadn't been killed then, he would not be immortal now. He came out ahead regardless.
He does wish he would've been present for the final carnivale, though. He would not have let Angelo take the fall. How stupid that whole show was... Despite Angelo's obstinance, no one had any reason to suspect him. Idiots, all of them.
He takes a drag of the cigarette as he reminisces, the tip of it glowing brightly in the darkness. ]
Do you know why I told you my name?
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In truth, Angelo would have liked to see Elias cheat death in the way he'd initially promised. Sneaky, slippery, impossible to catch darkness... Just the worst, in the most reliable way. What kind of face would Elias make, if Angelo told him the whole of it? He's not going to risk that now, but he is free to wonder.
His name, though...? Angelo contemplates for just a second, less tense now than a moment ago. His hand continues idly mapping out Elias' upper body - he'd felt hazy when they were in the act, in no state to simply get to know another body. Now he can catch up on it, an act as curious as it is chaste. Physicality remains strange to Angelo. ]
A whim, wasn't it?
[ That's how everything started between them. Nothing but impulse. ]
And you liked me more than the rest, because I was not as high-minded.
[ 'I'd wager that the two of us are the only ones here that truly understand the game,' wasn't it? The two of them, against the world. Even back then. It's a little satisfying. ]
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I would not call it a whim. A decision made in the moment, perhaps, but a significant one.
[ Truthfully, though, calling it a whim is rather accurate. He had reasons, poignant ones, but it also just felt like the right move at the time. ]
I liked you better than the rest because you did not condemn me, but you weren't soft with me either. Everyone else was too keen to assume my decision was made with equal parts strategy and morals in mind.
[ He didn't relish killing Andrew. He liked her, actually, and would have preferred to let her live. That he did not waste his time handwringing over an unpleasant choice is far from the personal failing others would make it out to be.
He's more hung up on this than he realized, isn't he? Elias inhales deeply, closing his eyes to instead give his attention to Angelo's hand tracing over his skin. It feels nice. ]
The key reason though is that I felt you had earned it. The right to know. You became worth more to me then as an ally than a pawn.
[ A risky thing to admit, especially given his commitment to keeping the mood up, but this can't be new information. Angelo knows what kind of person he is. ]
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'Earning it' is how Elias had phrased it back then too, but that was in the context of denying the privilege to the others. Angelo vaguely remembers opening their promenade conversation with expressing certainty that he hadn't earned it either - because why would he have? What would he even have done for that? Clearly Elias had thought of all of them as insignificants, and with good reason. Getting the name then anyway had not changed Angelo's assumptions on that end any. Elias enjoyed the company of a fellow cynic - so what? Nothing to it, nothing that had anything to do with true value.
Angelo raises his head a little, though it proves useless. He can't properly see Elias' expression in the dark. ]
At that point? Already?
[ He has not forgotten that it followed hot on the heels of him having a panic attack in trial. He hadn't exactly shown himself from his most useful side. ]
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Why does that surprise you?
[ They spoke about this once already, albeit indirectly. He wonders if Angelo is still upset with him over the interference at trial. Even now, Elias would have made the same choice he did in the moment. He'd rather Angelo alive and angry than dead with his warped version of dignity intact.
He's not going to ask, and he doesn't want to rekindle that argument despite its relevance here. Ugh. How annoying it is that every topic of conversation seems so likely to start another war. That's the cost of pursuing a relationship destined for implosion, but he wishes that eventuality was not so obvious at every damn turn. ]
It should have been obvious. I did tell you I would help you escape too, if I could. I would not have bothered for anyone else.
[ Save for Junior, but he doesn't want to distract... or talk about Junior at all, really. The exception makes no difference as far as Angelo is concerned. ]
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He hears what Elias is saying, but it doesn't quite connect. Sure, Elias would have kept him, if it did not come at cost to himself. Even then, he was better company than most, an amusing side project maybe. Pretty, too, he is aware. These don't feel like the kind of things that should raise him up above the status of a pawn, but..
Well, if Elias says so?
Angelo puts his head back down, cheek softly connecting with bare skin. ]
I hadn't even done anything for you yet.
[ Hadn't intended to, either. It was only after the execution, with that annoying talking cigarette case flapping gently in his pocket, that Angelo had started to think, truly think, that maybe-- ]
... and there you went, not believing me when I said I chose you before you invited me, too.
[ Just how foolish can they be? ]
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Mm, that's different.
[ Is it? It feels different, though he's struggling to drum up solid arguments to prove it. ]
And you had done something for me. I managed to anger you in two of our three carnivales and you still came to see me. On a whim.
[ Some would call that "friendship" rather than framing it as a mutually beneficial arrangement. Elias had thought they were at the end of their story then, anyway. There was nothing more to gain from Angelo, as a pawn or as an ally. If he had managed to get them both out, he anticipated they would then part ways. Why would Angelo want to stick around? Other than perhaps feeling like he owed a debt, but clearly that's not the reason he's here now.
Elias still has difficulty believing that Angelo made the choice ahead of schedule, but... I'd be a fool to trust you, but I believe that you mean it. Another sentiment he doesn't understand, though perhaps he's beginning to.
Interesting. ]
I had done even less for you. Liking me best out of our group is not high praise, especially coming from you.
[ They turned on him in the end, after all. ]
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And then there was Elias, the best and worst of them all. Perhaps he is right. It's not high praise. Maybe the choice Angelo had made in his head isn't high praise either. But the reality of it? That's something Elias shouldn't be allowed to deny. ]
You kind of took a bullet for me, remember?
[ Accidentally, but nevertheless. It does bear repeating.
However, there's a quiet, a little softer addition that comes after the tease: ]
... but that wasn't the reason.
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You said that didn't count.
[ That is not what Angelo said, but it's how Elias remembers it. That's not the calculation you made in your head when you did it, is it? Surely that applies beyond just one conversation.
The cigarette is nearly spent now. He takes a short pull and then offers it again. ]
Finish this. What was the reason, then?
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Something that is difficult to voice without betraying the full horrible depth of his feelings. It's a tightrope he now needs to walk, if he wants to be believed.
Angelo takes the cigarette and finishes it with a deep, deep inhale and exhale. His words come out with a puff of smoke. ]
... being with you calmed me down.
[ That is... not necessarily the case now that they truly got their claws into each other, drawing blood and yet not letting go. Another way in which Angelo's simplified view of Elias has betrayed him. But like this, pressed up close, he can almost believe again. ]
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But the answer he gets makes his heart skip a beat. The high that follows is immediately quashed by a gutting reminder of how precariously balanced they are. He tenses, his breathing coming a little quicker as hurt twists itself into frustration. He doesn't want to be good for Angelo. What's the point? It will amount to nothing in the end. Worse, it will further rub salt in the wound. If they're a poor match, at least the eventual rejection will make sense. At least then he'll be able to blame his inherent selfishness or his willingness to use anyone who falls within his orbit... Anything but an inevitability he could not control.
He stubs out the spent cigarette and sets it aside with the ashtray. He doesn't know what to say to this. They can't even have a light conversation without having to contort every word around a smattering of landmines.
So, for lack of any better response: ]
Why?
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Still, he's set them on this course, and he can't very well decide to not answer now. At least he's figured out how he wants to phrase it. ]
You were a comforting darkness. The others were too bright. Ugly white fluorescent lights, exposing all in their wake, no matter what, no matter how. Next to them, all my stains would become plain.
But you... you're from the same world that I am. With you, I could stand in the comfortable twilight. Nothing I don't want seen would be shown, and if it were... You'd tell me it's reasonable. It's admirable. You'll think I'm beautiful.
[ Somewhere in this little speech, the timeline shifted. An elaboration of the past becomes an elaboration of the present instead. Admirable. Not a day has passed that this word hasn't echoed in his mind. ]
I'll never be clean again. Not ever in my whole life. I can't get it back. And you made me feel like I could keep going for another minute, another day, even as dirty as I am. You were my refuge.
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So much of it is exactly what Elias wants to hear—which makes it feel like a targeted attack. He wants to call it all a lie even though it's blatantly not—but it doesn't make sense, either. My heart belongs to the Captain. How can both things be true? And where is the resolve he had earlier? Anything, for you, and God did he mean it, but it's much more difficult to feel the knife at his throat and still say go ahead.
He can't leave, but now staying feels impossible. He can't do this. Already, this hurts so badly that he can't pretend it doesn't. It fogs up his head, leaves him lost and balking in indecision when he's so used to his mind running at a gallop. It's like forgetting how to breathe. Even if he decides the sacrifice is worth it, how? He doesn't know how to be that person.
He's already been silent for far too long, but opening his mouth may as well be pulling a trigger. Angelo has cornered him. There's no hope of escaping into some deflection. His plan to preserve this memory unmarred is already ruined, as they are apparently incapable of existing near each other without the walls caving in.
Angelo knows what kind of person he is. Elias could claim it was all just a manipulation tactic, playing into Angelo's insecurities, telling him what he so clearly needed to hear... Catastrophic, but it would spare them both. They're too far gone for a painless escape.
A mercy, really. Like Billy. ]
I would tell you that, yes. I'm glad to hear my strategy has worked so well. You...
[ His voice is already hollow, and it dies out as he hears his own words. If he tells Angelo it was all a lie, he would believe it, wouldn't he? Because Elias is the type of person who would tease out a vulnerability and use it like a tool.
Angelo knows this, and he frames it as a refuge. Comforting darkness. No one has ever...
His eyes find the coat hanging next to the bed, just a dark shape against white paint. ]
...It wasn't a strategy. I meant every word. I don't know how you've inspired me to care what you think of yourself, but...
[ Again, he loses the thread. Maddening. He exhales, teeth clenched, and works his arm under the blanket to hold Angelo to him. His nose presses into Angelo's hair. ]
I don't understand what I am to you.
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Elias holds him tightly, clammy skin to clammy skin, and for the first time since they finished their act, he feels naked and exposed. ]
... that makes two of us.
[ It's difficult to breathe with his face pressed into the crook of Elias' neck, but Angelo makes no move to shift away. ]
What you are to me, what I am to you... I don't know any better than this.
[ The way Elias phrased it seems like a bad joke. How he 'inspired him' to care? As if Angelo had ever had one of those precious strategies about it, as if he'd ever asked for Elias to contort himself over the basic facts of his existence. Is it that Elias is trying to make up for desiring someone filthy? Is Angelo too low to consider as someone to love, so he has to prop him up to make himself feel better? Angelo isn't sure if he could blame him.
But that's not how Elias had touched him. That's not how he looks at him, when they are not sinking into this spiral of... Of what? What is this? Is it misunderstanding or is it that they understand a little too clearly?
It would be nice if Elias could remain optimistic about this. Willfully, unshakably optimistic, as he always was, even in the face of death. How could he place enough weight on Angelo to somehow let that shatter? ]
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Buried somewhere in everything they've said today, in words or otherwise, is the key Elias is looking for. It's just a matter of sifting through the rubble, he knows. Something better saved for tomorrow, when he's rested. And alone. ]
Let's not do this tonight.
[ He lays a hand against Angelo's cheek, drawing back some to allow their eyes to meet. ]
But know that I want you here with me. More than anything.
[ He smiles again, this time warm and genuine. For all the turbulence of today, the simple fact of wanting Angelo has not changed. If anything, that desire runs more deeply now. A stubborn, wounded part of him still wants to burn it down and run, but he bites it back, at least for tonight. If that decision must be made, he'll make it another day. ]
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'Let's not do this tonight,' might just be the greatest verbal point of agreement they've had all day.
From this close, he can make our Elias' face even in the darkness, and he manages a crooked smile in return. Elias still wants him here. It's a good peace offer, smoothing over a battle they had never meant to start to begin with. ]
Mhm.
[ Words have consistently failed him today, so he decides to reciprocate the reassurance with the ghost of a kiss to the lips instead. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else is too difficult to say out loud, when they both know that there is a single impossible dream that threatens to render it a lie. ]
Sleep well, Elias.
[ It doesn't take much to shift into a position that feels comfortable to fall asleep in. Just about any way they could be tangled up could have done. It's the sheer warmth of it that really does him in and drags him back into a weary drowsiness in no time at all. The anguish that they cause each other will be held at bay by it for just a little longer.
Even knowing that Elias is the man who could destroy him, Angelo feels safe when he drifts into sleep. ]