Cornelius Hickey (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
spotsalone) wrote2025-04-11 07:04 pm
spotsalone) wrote2025-04-11 07:04 pm
Entry tags:
angelo and the hickster's post-belle arctic adventures
angelo cr chart
mutineers cr chart...
timeline:
- arrival; late july, mutineers' hill
- tent chats; early august, temporary camp
- spotting the ships; late august, terror camp
- tuunbaq attack; sept 1, ice floe camp
- boarding terror; fellas it's gay; early sept, hms terror
- dog to dog communication; early sept, forecastle
- bark bark bark; early sept, on deck
- coat! and post-tozer debrief; early sept, angelo's cabin
- 🌶️; early sept, hickey's cabin
- the dogs are unionizing(?); mid sept, cargo hold
- tozer/captain stuff, look at them having an adult conversation; mid sept, greatroom
- little rescue mission; early oct, terror bay
- post-little debrief; early oct, hickey's cabin
no subject
Angelo takes the offered cigarette gratefully. The first time they shared a smoke like this had been back in the promenade, and Angelo remembers feeling antsy about the contamination of another mouth. Now, he prefers it like this. A cigarette to each of them would make them equals, but one cigarette for both makes them one an the same. Another link in the chain to bind them together, despite the growing cracks beneath their feet.
Inhaling deeply, Angelo can pretend that he feels the tobacco settling in his lungs, dooming him with every drag. Dirty from the inside out, and yet... ]
... I'd be happier if we had a proper shower.
[ He blows out a small puff of smoke from the cigarette before he gives it back. ]
But we'll work up to it - that's what you'll say, isn't it?
[ To live, to truly live. Even now, Elias should keep promising him a better life, right? ]
no subject
...He does think about the showers in the palace rather often, though. How spoiled they were. ]
We'll work up to it, yes. And in the meantime, this is already a marked improvement over the past month.
[ The cigarette case returns to its hiding spot, and out comes a small bowl to use as an ashtray. A practical action, but it also buys him time to figure out how to ask what he wants to ask. He doesn't think it's a particularly charged question (though he's been wrong before), but it's still difficult sometimes to find the words to talk about their wildly different lives. ]
With the way you talk, space must've been quite luxurious. And clean. Was the palace a step down from that?
no subject
Mhm... in some ways, yes, but not as much as you might think. The place we lived at previously was actually quite similar in decor. A rich fool was our patron, providing his little castle reconstruction as a base for our activities. But it was inside a mining asteroid, so there was no vegetation. A lush garden like at our castle would have been impossible... I had to go to quite the lengths to import roses at all.
[ It had been an absolute hassle involving more paperwork and money than Angelo would care to discuss. Being able to just step outside to breathe in the roses... With all the pain he'd felt, Angelo would have been loathe to call it a privilege, but it had been a comfort that would have previously been impossible. ]
I missed the technology. Not having it did give me a headstart in learning how to wash by hand at least, but in my world machines can clean your laundry for you. There's no need to ruin your hands by doing it manually.
[ It is always difficult to explain what is common knowledge to him, but the more time he spends in the 19th century, the more Angelo learns to pin-point the differences and similarities. He hums thoughtfully, trying to think of what to add. It's nice to talk about something that doesn't matter, just to be talking to each other. ]
Ships are certainly cleaner. The Rewloowla was pristine, no comparison to the Terror at all. She was much larger too, of course.
no subject
Machines...
[ There's a wariness in his tone. Again with the machines. Certainly that term must mean something different to Angelo. Machines are large and loud and dangerous. Washing one's clothing is not worth the trouble, nor the risk of losing a limb. ]
But all of that was afforded to you because of your rank? Most would not have access to... laundry cleaning machines, and the like.
[ His hand trails absently over Angelo's hip as he tries to wrap his head around such a strange world. Many in the castle had been from far more bizarre places, but Elias didn't bother himself trying to understand those origins. There was no reason to care, for one, but they felt so beyond his own experiences that trying to care was a lost cause anyway.
Angelo's world, though. It sits in an odd position in Elias' mind, too familiar to write off and yet too foreign to make sense of. He doesn't like the feeling. ]
no subject
He shakes his head, though that is not much of a movement when his cheek is still firmly resting on Elias' shoulder. ]
No, they're common. I used them when I was still working the streets, too. Didn't have my own one back then, but I could go to the laundromat.
[ A short beat, but he remembers to explain before Elias has to go through the indignity of making any confusion known. ]
That's a business that has many washing machines in one place and you pay to use them. Most households have their own, though.
[ Most households - most normal families. He does not remember a lot about his early childhood. His father's face has all but vanished from his memory, replaced only be the image of a red pulp on the ground. But he remembers laundry. He remembers the smell of detergent, and the warmth of sheets fresh from the dryer. ]
no subject
The only logical conclusion is that such technology must be advanced far beyond Elias' comprehension. Like those crystals back at the castle, perhaps. More magic than science.
He doesn't actually care about laundry, though. Sorry, Angelo. He taps a bit of ash off the cigarette. ]
Should we remain here long enough to rediscover civilization, you'll no doubt be further disappointed by the available technology. Terror is the nicest place I've lived—outside of the palace.
[ Obviously Chateau Ambergris is the frontrunner in that contest, but that's not a fair fight. The aristocracy of England likely lived that way, too. That much is visible in the luxury of the greatroom and officer's mess, even in their relatively bedraggled state. ]
no subject
Ever since arriving at the castle, Angelo had completely foregone planning for the future. Without Frontal there to guide him, there had been nothing to look forward to, and each day had just been another punishment for failing to either save him or go with him. Being with Elias has given him short term goals to work towards. Reach the sea. Traverse the pack. Sail south. And then a nebulous 'truly live' to come after, a hesitant and grudging following after Elias as he sets the pace.
But hearing that Terror is the nicest home Elias ever had floods Angelo's mind with a sudden notion of something to look forward to - he wants to show him a world beyond the Middle Ages, a world of washing machines and vacuum cleaners and... What would Elias like? Microwaves? Jacuzzi baths? Angelo startles himself with it, imagining a goal so far in the uncertain future.
So he tries to play it off, stealing the cigarette back for himself. ]
I'd like to think I've learned to temper my expectations by now.
[ He assumes Terror was nicer before being stuck for three years without resupplies, but that wouldn't have made her any more modern. He takes a drag of the cigarette, weighing whether he should ask further. Elias has owed him an account of his past for a while now. He decides to take the gamble, however unwise it may be. He's always been impulsive. ]
Where did you live before you went to sea, anyway?
no subject
But that's not the question Angelo is asking, and even if he was, what would it matter? He already knows Elias as a murderer, a cannibal, and a sodomite. It doesn't get much worse than that.
Still, Elias would rather be known as those things than by his class. At least he understands why society condemns the other three. ]
Um. I was renting a bed just outside of London for a few months. Before that, Manchester. That's a ways north of London.
[ Will Angelo even know those places by name? Unlikely, but he now knows more than anyone else on the expedition, alive or dead. Elias risked revealing his hometown to Crozier to avoid further suspicion, and to a handful of others that could already place him by his accent. Tozer, notably. Manson asked once. Billy never cared. Angelo likely doesn't, either. These are the kinds of questions people ask to be polite. ]
no subject
[ A soft noise of understanding, though there is no actual understanding here. Angelo knows where London is, roughly, but he has no idea what it would possibly be like in this time, nor where Manchester is or what reputation that might have.
But this seems to be all that he's getting from Elias here. He saw the way his expression tightened - had been watching for it from the corner of his eyes, in fact. It feels unfair, the way Elias clams up as soon as the topic comes to himself, when it feels as though he knows Angelo inside out, with every dirty secret included. Angelo is not going to argue, though. They've had enough of that. And whoever Elias once may have been, it is not a self he will return to.
Angelo puts the cigarette down on the corner of ashtray for Elias' taking, and slips his arm under the blanket so he can rest it directly across Elias' chest. Even heated, the interior of the Terror is chilly, but they can ward it off by siphoning heat from each other. Something poetic about that, maybe. Angelo closes his eyes. ]
I don't know where we'd get the money, but once we leave here... This place, maybe this world... we should go to a nice hotel. Sleep in a spacious double bed. This one is so cramped.
[ But cramped as it may be, he's content. 'Happy', Elias had called him, and it may not have been entirely off-base. ]
no subject
But after all that he's accomplished, all that he's sacrificed, all that he's overcome... He'll be right back where he started, in a sense. Maybe even worse off. He has a few pounds to his name that might've been worth something in the Sandwich Islands, but if they leave this place entirely? Immortality may have extended his life, but it's done nothing to fill it. He's been granted both a future and a companion, yet he has the means to support neither.
Such a prospect would be less daunting if he only had himself to worry about. He can handle anything. Angelo is plenty resilient too, but he shouldn't need to be. Their present situation is destitute by necessity; they are starving and freezing and filthy because everyone is, and no amount of money would change that. Even then, Elias has managed to climb to the top, all because the mutiny eliminated rank as based on class and funds.
So what happens when they're no longer cushioned by this bubble? Their lives will not improve by much once they're past this, and they won't have the arctic to blame for it. ]
That sounds nice.
[ He offers a placating smile, letting the cigarette burn. He doesn't want to think about the future. He doesn't want to think about the past, either. All he wants is to pretend that this moment is enough, with Angelo warm and snug against him, their legs tangled together, the gentle weight of him resting on Elias' shoulder, his chest. The bed may be cramped, but he wouldn't want the extra space, anyway.
Before he gets too comfortable, he raises up just enough to blow out the candle next to the bed, leaving the small cabin dark save for the aurora's green glow seeping in through the skylight. He's tired, though sleeping would mean an end to their night and he's not ready to give that up yet. ]
I'm more interested in all this technology you describe. I can't picture it.
[ There's a beat as his mind zips through a series of thoughts: machines, ships, soldiers, I'll freeze to death in the endless vacuum of space. Hm. He picks up the cigarette again. ]
Why did you come to see me after I was caught for Andrew's murder?
no subject
Is Elias trying to probe for it? Is he trying to recreate the conditions that nearly broke them apart earlier today, to test their new foundation? It feels like paranoia to question this, but with Elias Angelo can never quite know.
He's quiet for a moment, an uncharacteristic moment of hesitation that may just be read as drowsiness instead. The full truth of this is far from how he feels today, and the weight of Elias' newly-discovered insecurities still sits heavily on his chest. ]
A whim.
[ Angelo doesn't like lying, so he won't. But he is unused to spinning his words, to being considerate in what he says. His index finger trails an idle circle over Elias' chesz as he speaks. ]
I was annoyed that you'd get yourself killed, really. I enjoyed your company more than any other's.
no subject
Annoyed with me?
[ He scoffs. It's teasing, and obviously so. ]
I was only caught because Ish sold me out. I could've talked my way out of the suspicion over the frog toy.
[ Maybe. If he had had more time, he's sure he could've swung things back in his favor, but... Well, who cares? He was caught because he was meant to be. If he hadn't been killed then, he would not be immortal now. He came out ahead regardless.
He does wish he would've been present for the final carnivale, though. He would not have let Angelo take the fall. How stupid that whole show was... Despite Angelo's obstinance, no one had any reason to suspect him. Idiots, all of them.
He takes a drag of the cigarette as he reminisces, the tip of it glowing brightly in the darkness. ]
Do you know why I told you my name?
no subject
In truth, Angelo would have liked to see Elias cheat death in the way he'd initially promised. Sneaky, slippery, impossible to catch darkness... Just the worst, in the most reliable way. What kind of face would Elias make, if Angelo told him the whole of it? He's not going to risk that now, but he is free to wonder.
His name, though...? Angelo contemplates for just a second, less tense now than a moment ago. His hand continues idly mapping out Elias' upper body - he'd felt hazy when they were in the act, in no state to simply get to know another body. Now he can catch up on it, an act as curious as it is chaste. Physicality remains strange to Angelo. ]
A whim, wasn't it?
[ That's how everything started between them. Nothing but impulse. ]
And you liked me more than the rest, because I was not as high-minded.
[ 'I'd wager that the two of us are the only ones here that truly understand the game,' wasn't it? The two of them, against the world. Even back then. It's a little satisfying. ]
no subject
I would not call it a whim. A decision made in the moment, perhaps, but a significant one.
[ Truthfully, though, calling it a whim is rather accurate. He had reasons, poignant ones, but it also just felt like the right move at the time. ]
I liked you better than the rest because you did not condemn me, but you weren't soft with me either. Everyone else was too keen to assume my decision was made with equal parts strategy and morals in mind.
[ He didn't relish killing Andrew. He liked her, actually, and would have preferred to let her live. That he did not waste his time handwringing over an unpleasant choice is far from the personal failing others would make it out to be.
He's more hung up on this than he realized, isn't he? Elias inhales deeply, closing his eyes to instead give his attention to Angelo's hand tracing over his skin. It feels nice. ]
The key reason though is that I felt you had earned it. The right to know. You became worth more to me then as an ally than a pawn.
[ A risky thing to admit, especially given his commitment to keeping the mood up, but this can't be new information. Angelo knows what kind of person he is. ]
no subject
'Earning it' is how Elias had phrased it back then too, but that was in the context of denying the privilege to the others. Angelo vaguely remembers opening their promenade conversation with expressing certainty that he hadn't earned it either - because why would he have? What would he even have done for that? Clearly Elias had thought of all of them as insignificants, and with good reason. Getting the name then anyway had not changed Angelo's assumptions on that end any. Elias enjoyed the company of a fellow cynic - so what? Nothing to it, nothing that had anything to do with true value.
Angelo raises his head a little, though it proves useless. He can't properly see Elias' expression in the dark. ]
At that point? Already?
[ He has not forgotten that it followed hot on the heels of him having a panic attack in trial. He hadn't exactly shown himself from his most useful side. ]
no subject
Why does that surprise you?
[ They spoke about this once already, albeit indirectly. He wonders if Angelo is still upset with him over the interference at trial. Even now, Elias would have made the same choice he did in the moment. He'd rather Angelo alive and angry than dead with his warped version of dignity intact.
He's not going to ask, and he doesn't want to rekindle that argument despite its relevance here. Ugh. How annoying it is that every topic of conversation seems so likely to start another war. That's the cost of pursuing a relationship destined for implosion, but he wishes that eventuality was not so obvious at every damn turn. ]
It should have been obvious. I did tell you I would help you escape too, if I could. I would not have bothered for anyone else.
[ Save for Junior, but he doesn't want to distract... or talk about Junior at all, really. The exception makes no difference as far as Angelo is concerned. ]
no subject
He hears what Elias is saying, but it doesn't quite connect. Sure, Elias would have kept him, if it did not come at cost to himself. Even then, he was better company than most, an amusing side project maybe. Pretty, too, he is aware. These don't feel like the kind of things that should raise him up above the status of a pawn, but..
Well, if Elias says so?
Angelo puts his head back down, cheek softly connecting with bare skin. ]
I hadn't even done anything for you yet.
[ Hadn't intended to, either. It was only after the execution, with that annoying talking cigarette case flapping gently in his pocket, that Angelo had started to think, truly think, that maybe-- ]
... and there you went, not believing me when I said I chose you before you invited me, too.
[ Just how foolish can they be? ]
no subject
Mm, that's different.
[ Is it? It feels different, though he's struggling to drum up solid arguments to prove it. ]
And you had done something for me. I managed to anger you in two of our three carnivales and you still came to see me. On a whim.
[ Some would call that "friendship" rather than framing it as a mutually beneficial arrangement. Elias had thought they were at the end of their story then, anyway. There was nothing more to gain from Angelo, as a pawn or as an ally. If he had managed to get them both out, he anticipated they would then part ways. Why would Angelo want to stick around? Other than perhaps feeling like he owed a debt, but clearly that's not the reason he's here now.
Elias still has difficulty believing that Angelo made the choice ahead of schedule, but... I'd be a fool to trust you, but I believe that you mean it. Another sentiment he doesn't understand, though perhaps he's beginning to.
Interesting. ]
I had done even less for you. Liking me best out of our group is not high praise, especially coming from you.
[ They turned on him in the end, after all. ]
no subject
And then there was Elias, the best and worst of them all. Perhaps he is right. It's not high praise. Maybe the choice Angelo had made in his head isn't high praise either. But the reality of it? That's something Elias shouldn't be allowed to deny. ]
You kind of took a bullet for me, remember?
[ Accidentally, but nevertheless. It does bear repeating.
However, there's a quiet, a little softer addition that comes after the tease: ]
... but that wasn't the reason.
no subject
You said that didn't count.
[ That is not what Angelo said, but it's how Elias remembers it. That's not the calculation you made in your head when you did it, is it? Surely that applies beyond just one conversation.
The cigarette is nearly spent now. He takes a short pull and then offers it again. ]
Finish this. What was the reason, then?
no subject
Something that is difficult to voice without betraying the full horrible depth of his feelings. It's a tightrope he now needs to walk, if he wants to be believed.
Angelo takes the cigarette and finishes it with a deep, deep inhale and exhale. His words come out with a puff of smoke. ]
... being with you calmed me down.
[ That is... not necessarily the case now that they truly got their claws into each other, drawing blood and yet not letting go. Another way in which Angelo's simplified view of Elias has betrayed him. But like this, pressed up close, he can almost believe again. ]
no subject
But the answer he gets makes his heart skip a beat. The high that follows is immediately quashed by a gutting reminder of how precariously balanced they are. He tenses, his breathing coming a little quicker as hurt twists itself into frustration. He doesn't want to be good for Angelo. What's the point? It will amount to nothing in the end. Worse, it will further rub salt in the wound. If they're a poor match, at least the eventual rejection will make sense. At least then he'll be able to blame his inherent selfishness or his willingness to use anyone who falls within his orbit... Anything but an inevitability he could not control.
He stubs out the spent cigarette and sets it aside with the ashtray. He doesn't know what to say to this. They can't even have a light conversation without having to contort every word around a smattering of landmines.
So, for lack of any better response: ]
Why?
no subject
Still, he's set them on this course, and he can't very well decide to not answer now. At least he's figured out how he wants to phrase it. ]
You were a comforting darkness. The others were too bright. Ugly white fluorescent lights, exposing all in their wake, no matter what, no matter how. Next to them, all my stains would become plain.
But you... you're from the same world that I am. With you, I could stand in the comfortable twilight. Nothing I don't want seen would be shown, and if it were... You'd tell me it's reasonable. It's admirable. You'll think I'm beautiful.
[ Somewhere in this little speech, the timeline shifted. An elaboration of the past becomes an elaboration of the present instead. Admirable. Not a day has passed that this word hasn't echoed in his mind. ]
I'll never be clean again. Not ever in my whole life. I can't get it back. And you made me feel like I could keep going for another minute, another day, even as dirty as I am. You were my refuge.
no subject
So much of it is exactly what Elias wants to hear—which makes it feel like a targeted attack. He wants to call it all a lie even though it's blatantly not—but it doesn't make sense, either. My heart belongs to the Captain. How can both things be true? And where is the resolve he had earlier? Anything, for you, and God did he mean it, but it's much more difficult to feel the knife at his throat and still say go ahead.
He can't leave, but now staying feels impossible. He can't do this. Already, this hurts so badly that he can't pretend it doesn't. It fogs up his head, leaves him lost and balking in indecision when he's so used to his mind running at a gallop. It's like forgetting how to breathe. Even if he decides the sacrifice is worth it, how? He doesn't know how to be that person.
He's already been silent for far too long, but opening his mouth may as well be pulling a trigger. Angelo has cornered him. There's no hope of escaping into some deflection. His plan to preserve this memory unmarred is already ruined, as they are apparently incapable of existing near each other without the walls caving in.
Angelo knows what kind of person he is. Elias could claim it was all just a manipulation tactic, playing into Angelo's insecurities, telling him what he so clearly needed to hear... Catastrophic, but it would spare them both. They're too far gone for a painless escape.
A mercy, really. Like Billy. ]
I would tell you that, yes. I'm glad to hear my strategy has worked so well. You...
[ His voice is already hollow, and it dies out as he hears his own words. If he tells Angelo it was all a lie, he would believe it, wouldn't he? Because Elias is the type of person who would tease out a vulnerability and use it like a tool.
Angelo knows this, and he frames it as a refuge. Comforting darkness. No one has ever...
His eyes find the coat hanging next to the bed, just a dark shape against white paint. ]
...It wasn't a strategy. I meant every word. I don't know how you've inspired me to care what you think of yourself, but...
[ Again, he loses the thread. Maddening. He exhales, teeth clenched, and works his arm under the blanket to hold Angelo to him. His nose presses into Angelo's hair. ]
I don't understand what I am to you.
no subject
Elias holds him tightly, clammy skin to clammy skin, and for the first time since they finished their act, he feels naked and exposed. ]
... that makes two of us.
[ It's difficult to breathe with his face pressed into the crook of Elias' neck, but Angelo makes no move to shift away. ]
What you are to me, what I am to you... I don't know any better than this.
[ The way Elias phrased it seems like a bad joke. How he 'inspired him' to care? As if Angelo had ever had one of those precious strategies about it, as if he'd ever asked for Elias to contort himself over the basic facts of his existence. Is it that Elias is trying to make up for desiring someone filthy? Is Angelo too low to consider as someone to love, so he has to prop him up to make himself feel better? Angelo isn't sure if he could blame him.
But that's not how Elias had touched him. That's not how he looks at him, when they are not sinking into this spiral of... Of what? What is this? Is it misunderstanding or is it that they understand a little too clearly?
It would be nice if Elias could remain optimistic about this. Willfully, unshakably optimistic, as he always was, even in the face of death. How could he place enough weight on Angelo to somehow let that shatter? ]
(no subject)
(no subject)