Cornelius Hickey (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
spotsalone) wrote2025-04-11 07:04 pm
spotsalone) wrote2025-04-11 07:04 pm
Entry tags:
angelo and the hickster's post-belle arctic adventures
angelo cr chart
mutineers cr chart...
timeline:
- arrival; late july, mutineers' hill
- tent chats; early august, temporary camp
- spotting the ships; late august, terror camp
- tuunbaq attack; sept 1, ice floe camp
- boarding terror; fellas it's gay; early sept, hms terror
- dog to dog communication; early sept, forecastle
- bark bark bark; early sept, on deck
- coat! and post-tozer debrief; early sept, angelo's cabin
- 🌶️; early sept, hickey's cabin
- the dogs are unionizing(?); mid sept, cargo hold
- tozer/captain stuff, look at them having an adult conversation; mid sept, greatroom
- little rescue mission; early oct, terror bay
- post-little debrief; early oct, hickey's cabin
no subject
You'd like that, wouldn't you? Overwrite every single of those times, one by one?
[ He tilts his head so he can press a kiss to Elias' lips, chaste and soft. There's a shaky smile playing at his lips - the teasing would come across better if his face wasn't still wet with tears, but there's nothing he can do about that right now. ]
You have your work cut out for you.
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I'm not worried. I've faced far more insurmountable challenges and come out ahead.
[ Far more unpleasant challenges, as well. The ask is hardly anything that he wouldn't already do, and happily.
Elias cups Angelo's cheek in his hand, brushing away tears with his thumb. He still doesn't quite understand them and no longer wants to, so he's removing them from the equation. ]
Stay here tonight. With me.
[ A very bad idea, but he doesn't care. They can get away with it once. ]
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I will.
[ The offer is a relief, a solution for a problem he hadn't wholly thought about facing yet. But the thought of going back to his own cabin, smelling of sweat and sex and aching from underprepared penetration... It makes him shudder. He'd much rather remain right here, Elias' arms wrapped tightly around him. As long as Elias is here, to look at him like he's precious...
He'll be able to forget the way his face looked earlier today, the hurt in his eyes, the horrifying gulf opening up between.
Angelo runs his hand along Elias' upper arm, just enjoying the feeling of skin on skin for nothing but its own sake. He hadn't thought it pleasant before, so it's new to explore. ]
... this is what it's all meant to feel like, isn't it?
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But a similar sentiment had been lurking in Elias' head already, simmering just under the surface of conscious thought. This is what he wants all of this to feel like. It's what he wanted the first night they kissed, and again today instead of arguing over the Captain. He wants this easy yet all-encompassing affection, for both of them to be lost in each other, thinking of nothing but themselves.
He wants to feel like Angelo loves him, even after knowing so much of who he is. Elias has revealed so much of his hand already, admitting to lies and tactics and motivations he still feels foolish for sharing. Ruthless, Angelo called him once, and he wasn't off the mark. There's plenty he still doesn't know, but he knows enough, and he's still here to demand that Elias chase away his demons and give him something to live for.
This is what it's meant to feel like. Elias can't decide if that means Angelo is wrong and his heart is not so separate from this as he thinks, or if this is simply the best they're going to get. Meant to, like they're still playing pretend because it can never be real, even if it seems unfathomable that it isn't.
Time will tell, he supposes. Elias brushes the stray hair out of Angelo's face, his smile tinged with a hint of sadness. There's one more promise he can make, in secret: Angelo does not need to know that they're doomed. He already knows where Elias stands in regards to the captain, how he feels and what he wants, and that can be the end of it. Angelo will act on it or he won't, but Elias won't harp on the issue. All that would serve would be to squander the precious time they do have together. If they're destined to fall apart anyway, then why waste their energy on pointless hurt?
Avoiding further pain will be easier to accomplish if he lets Angelo believe the issue is behind them. When this connection between them can no longer keep them afloat, the fallout may be greater for it, but that's still preferable to the alternative. If they're going to destroy each other, it may as well be over something worth the sacrifice. ]
It is, yes. Tell me you believe now that you are more than just a body to me.
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Yet, he does believe. Now, more than ever.
To Elias, the body and the mind are one. It took feeling him all around and inside for Angelo to understand that. Where Angelo has spent his life trying to outrun his body, Elias is his flesh. The way his lips press against Angelo's forehead, the way his hand comes to rest on the small of his back, all of it is Elias' voice and Angelo had been deaf to it. He'd used to think of it as degrading to be reduced to the body, and he hadn't been able to fathom how the customers who lost themselves in lust willingly threw away their minds and wills to become just animated meat, nothing more. Low, vile, disgusting.
It doesn't feel disgusting when Elias is touching him, and it doesn't feel empty. Elias loves his body, yet when he touches it, he's also reaching beyond the skin. When he touches it, he touches Angelo, and the flesh and the soul are one and the same for the first time in his life.
Angelo exhales slowly, as if preparing himself to speak a vow. ]
I do believe you. Even before, I knew you meant it. I just couldn't... I didn't get it. I didn't know I could still feel like myself when someone else is touching me.
[ He shifts again, his hand wandering from Elias' side back to a familiar spot over his heart. ]
This is me. I'm not disappearing.
[ There is a hint of wonder hidden in the melancholy of his voice as he whispers it. ]
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It bothers him, he realizes, that so much of Angelo's sense of self seems tied up in external things. That's never been an issue for Elias, but he's seen it before, countless times. Most of the men on this expedition suffered from it, equating their value to their rank. Foolish. Weak.
Angelo is neither of those things. ]
I wish you saw yourself as I see you. To think of you disappearing...
[ He blows out a breath. Such a thing does not sound possible. ]
Should that happen, I'd simply say something to annoy you. You'd find your way back to me through sheer spite.
[ Said as a joke, but he does mean it in earnest. Elias does not enjoy pissing Angelo off, but it would be a quick way to return him to himself should he need an urgent grounding. ]
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Is that a promise or an example?
[ Talk about a drastic tonal mismatch to the gravity he'd just imbued his words with! But despite miming irritation through what he's saying, there's a small grin on his lips.
Mismatched, flippant, even rude... But it's a good promise nevertheless. To draw on the anger at his core to keep him anchored, to pull at that inconvenient, fundamental part of him to keep him tethered... It could be romantic, if it weren't said with such an irritating little smile.
The truth is, Angelo also wants to see himself as Elias does. ]
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I can't reveal all my secrets, can I?
[ He settles on his back this time, wrapping an arm around Angelo as soon as he's got the cigarette lit.
Elias is aware that Angelo's earlier sentiment is deserving of more attention than he's giving it. It's quite a heavy thing, the realization that this form of human connection is not as lost to him as he once thought. What a paradigm shift that would be.
But it's not something he wants to discuss now, the topic brushing up too closely against the bombs they've set off in past conversations. Earlier today, Elias had been trying his damnedest to avoid a fight, and it backfired spectacularly. What if that happens again? Landing themselves in another argument now would have disastrous consequences. He won't allow it.
He hugs Angelo to him and exhales in a sigh, careful to blow the smoke away from Angelo's face. He offers the cigarette. ]
I'm glad to see you happy.
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Angelo takes the offered cigarette gratefully. The first time they shared a smoke like this had been back in the promenade, and Angelo remembers feeling antsy about the contamination of another mouth. Now, he prefers it like this. A cigarette to each of them would make them equals, but one cigarette for both makes them one an the same. Another link in the chain to bind them together, despite the growing cracks beneath their feet.
Inhaling deeply, Angelo can pretend that he feels the tobacco settling in his lungs, dooming him with every drag. Dirty from the inside out, and yet... ]
... I'd be happier if we had a proper shower.
[ He blows out a small puff of smoke from the cigarette before he gives it back. ]
But we'll work up to it - that's what you'll say, isn't it?
[ To live, to truly live. Even now, Elias should keep promising him a better life, right? ]
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...He does think about the showers in the palace rather often, though. How spoiled they were. ]
We'll work up to it, yes. And in the meantime, this is already a marked improvement over the past month.
[ The cigarette case returns to its hiding spot, and out comes a small bowl to use as an ashtray. A practical action, but it also buys him time to figure out how to ask what he wants to ask. He doesn't think it's a particularly charged question (though he's been wrong before), but it's still difficult sometimes to find the words to talk about their wildly different lives. ]
With the way you talk, space must've been quite luxurious. And clean. Was the palace a step down from that?
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Mhm... in some ways, yes, but not as much as you might think. The place we lived at previously was actually quite similar in decor. A rich fool was our patron, providing his little castle reconstruction as a base for our activities. But it was inside a mining asteroid, so there was no vegetation. A lush garden like at our castle would have been impossible... I had to go to quite the lengths to import roses at all.
[ It had been an absolute hassle involving more paperwork and money than Angelo would care to discuss. Being able to just step outside to breathe in the roses... With all the pain he'd felt, Angelo would have been loathe to call it a privilege, but it had been a comfort that would have previously been impossible. ]
I missed the technology. Not having it did give me a headstart in learning how to wash by hand at least, but in my world machines can clean your laundry for you. There's no need to ruin your hands by doing it manually.
[ It is always difficult to explain what is common knowledge to him, but the more time he spends in the 19th century, the more Angelo learns to pin-point the differences and similarities. He hums thoughtfully, trying to think of what to add. It's nice to talk about something that doesn't matter, just to be talking to each other. ]
Ships are certainly cleaner. The Rewloowla was pristine, no comparison to the Terror at all. She was much larger too, of course.
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Machines...
[ There's a wariness in his tone. Again with the machines. Certainly that term must mean something different to Angelo. Machines are large and loud and dangerous. Washing one's clothing is not worth the trouble, nor the risk of losing a limb. ]
But all of that was afforded to you because of your rank? Most would not have access to... laundry cleaning machines, and the like.
[ His hand trails absently over Angelo's hip as he tries to wrap his head around such a strange world. Many in the castle had been from far more bizarre places, but Elias didn't bother himself trying to understand those origins. There was no reason to care, for one, but they felt so beyond his own experiences that trying to care was a lost cause anyway.
Angelo's world, though. It sits in an odd position in Elias' mind, too familiar to write off and yet too foreign to make sense of. He doesn't like the feeling. ]
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He shakes his head, though that is not much of a movement when his cheek is still firmly resting on Elias' shoulder. ]
No, they're common. I used them when I was still working the streets, too. Didn't have my own one back then, but I could go to the laundromat.
[ A short beat, but he remembers to explain before Elias has to go through the indignity of making any confusion known. ]
That's a business that has many washing machines in one place and you pay to use them. Most households have their own, though.
[ Most households - most normal families. He does not remember a lot about his early childhood. His father's face has all but vanished from his memory, replaced only be the image of a red pulp on the ground. But he remembers laundry. He remembers the smell of detergent, and the warmth of sheets fresh from the dryer. ]
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The only logical conclusion is that such technology must be advanced far beyond Elias' comprehension. Like those crystals back at the castle, perhaps. More magic than science.
He doesn't actually care about laundry, though. Sorry, Angelo. He taps a bit of ash off the cigarette. ]
Should we remain here long enough to rediscover civilization, you'll no doubt be further disappointed by the available technology. Terror is the nicest place I've lived—outside of the palace.
[ Obviously Chateau Ambergris is the frontrunner in that contest, but that's not a fair fight. The aristocracy of England likely lived that way, too. That much is visible in the luxury of the greatroom and officer's mess, even in their relatively bedraggled state. ]
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Ever since arriving at the castle, Angelo had completely foregone planning for the future. Without Frontal there to guide him, there had been nothing to look forward to, and each day had just been another punishment for failing to either save him or go with him. Being with Elias has given him short term goals to work towards. Reach the sea. Traverse the pack. Sail south. And then a nebulous 'truly live' to come after, a hesitant and grudging following after Elias as he sets the pace.
But hearing that Terror is the nicest home Elias ever had floods Angelo's mind with a sudden notion of something to look forward to - he wants to show him a world beyond the Middle Ages, a world of washing machines and vacuum cleaners and... What would Elias like? Microwaves? Jacuzzi baths? Angelo startles himself with it, imagining a goal so far in the uncertain future.
So he tries to play it off, stealing the cigarette back for himself. ]
I'd like to think I've learned to temper my expectations by now.
[ He assumes Terror was nicer before being stuck for three years without resupplies, but that wouldn't have made her any more modern. He takes a drag of the cigarette, weighing whether he should ask further. Elias has owed him an account of his past for a while now. He decides to take the gamble, however unwise it may be. He's always been impulsive. ]
Where did you live before you went to sea, anyway?
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But that's not the question Angelo is asking, and even if he was, what would it matter? He already knows Elias as a murderer, a cannibal, and a sodomite. It doesn't get much worse than that.
Still, Elias would rather be known as those things than by his class. At least he understands why society condemns the other three. ]
Um. I was renting a bed just outside of London for a few months. Before that, Manchester. That's a ways north of London.
[ Will Angelo even know those places by name? Unlikely, but he now knows more than anyone else on the expedition, alive or dead. Elias risked revealing his hometown to Crozier to avoid further suspicion, and to a handful of others that could already place him by his accent. Tozer, notably. Manson asked once. Billy never cared. Angelo likely doesn't, either. These are the kinds of questions people ask to be polite. ]
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[ A soft noise of understanding, though there is no actual understanding here. Angelo knows where London is, roughly, but he has no idea what it would possibly be like in this time, nor where Manchester is or what reputation that might have.
But this seems to be all that he's getting from Elias here. He saw the way his expression tightened - had been watching for it from the corner of his eyes, in fact. It feels unfair, the way Elias clams up as soon as the topic comes to himself, when it feels as though he knows Angelo inside out, with every dirty secret included. Angelo is not going to argue, though. They've had enough of that. And whoever Elias once may have been, it is not a self he will return to.
Angelo puts the cigarette down on the corner of ashtray for Elias' taking, and slips his arm under the blanket so he can rest it directly across Elias' chest. Even heated, the interior of the Terror is chilly, but they can ward it off by siphoning heat from each other. Something poetic about that, maybe. Angelo closes his eyes. ]
I don't know where we'd get the money, but once we leave here... This place, maybe this world... we should go to a nice hotel. Sleep in a spacious double bed. This one is so cramped.
[ But cramped as it may be, he's content. 'Happy', Elias had called him, and it may not have been entirely off-base. ]
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But after all that he's accomplished, all that he's sacrificed, all that he's overcome... He'll be right back where he started, in a sense. Maybe even worse off. He has a few pounds to his name that might've been worth something in the Sandwich Islands, but if they leave this place entirely? Immortality may have extended his life, but it's done nothing to fill it. He's been granted both a future and a companion, yet he has the means to support neither.
Such a prospect would be less daunting if he only had himself to worry about. He can handle anything. Angelo is plenty resilient too, but he shouldn't need to be. Their present situation is destitute by necessity; they are starving and freezing and filthy because everyone is, and no amount of money would change that. Even then, Elias has managed to climb to the top, all because the mutiny eliminated rank as based on class and funds.
So what happens when they're no longer cushioned by this bubble? Their lives will not improve by much once they're past this, and they won't have the arctic to blame for it. ]
That sounds nice.
[ He offers a placating smile, letting the cigarette burn. He doesn't want to think about the future. He doesn't want to think about the past, either. All he wants is to pretend that this moment is enough, with Angelo warm and snug against him, their legs tangled together, the gentle weight of him resting on Elias' shoulder, his chest. The bed may be cramped, but he wouldn't want the extra space, anyway.
Before he gets too comfortable, he raises up just enough to blow out the candle next to the bed, leaving the small cabin dark save for the aurora's green glow seeping in through the skylight. He's tired, though sleeping would mean an end to their night and he's not ready to give that up yet. ]
I'm more interested in all this technology you describe. I can't picture it.
[ There's a beat as his mind zips through a series of thoughts: machines, ships, soldiers, I'll freeze to death in the endless vacuum of space. Hm. He picks up the cigarette again. ]
Why did you come to see me after I was caught for Andrew's murder?
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Is Elias trying to probe for it? Is he trying to recreate the conditions that nearly broke them apart earlier today, to test their new foundation? It feels like paranoia to question this, but with Elias Angelo can never quite know.
He's quiet for a moment, an uncharacteristic moment of hesitation that may just be read as drowsiness instead. The full truth of this is far from how he feels today, and the weight of Elias' newly-discovered insecurities still sits heavily on his chest. ]
A whim.
[ Angelo doesn't like lying, so he won't. But he is unused to spinning his words, to being considerate in what he says. His index finger trails an idle circle over Elias' chesz as he speaks. ]
I was annoyed that you'd get yourself killed, really. I enjoyed your company more than any other's.
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Annoyed with me?
[ He scoffs. It's teasing, and obviously so. ]
I was only caught because Ish sold me out. I could've talked my way out of the suspicion over the frog toy.
[ Maybe. If he had had more time, he's sure he could've swung things back in his favor, but... Well, who cares? He was caught because he was meant to be. If he hadn't been killed then, he would not be immortal now. He came out ahead regardless.
He does wish he would've been present for the final carnivale, though. He would not have let Angelo take the fall. How stupid that whole show was... Despite Angelo's obstinance, no one had any reason to suspect him. Idiots, all of them.
He takes a drag of the cigarette as he reminisces, the tip of it glowing brightly in the darkness. ]
Do you know why I told you my name?
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In truth, Angelo would have liked to see Elias cheat death in the way he'd initially promised. Sneaky, slippery, impossible to catch darkness... Just the worst, in the most reliable way. What kind of face would Elias make, if Angelo told him the whole of it? He's not going to risk that now, but he is free to wonder.
His name, though...? Angelo contemplates for just a second, less tense now than a moment ago. His hand continues idly mapping out Elias' upper body - he'd felt hazy when they were in the act, in no state to simply get to know another body. Now he can catch up on it, an act as curious as it is chaste. Physicality remains strange to Angelo. ]
A whim, wasn't it?
[ That's how everything started between them. Nothing but impulse. ]
And you liked me more than the rest, because I was not as high-minded.
[ 'I'd wager that the two of us are the only ones here that truly understand the game,' wasn't it? The two of them, against the world. Even back then. It's a little satisfying. ]
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I would not call it a whim. A decision made in the moment, perhaps, but a significant one.
[ Truthfully, though, calling it a whim is rather accurate. He had reasons, poignant ones, but it also just felt like the right move at the time. ]
I liked you better than the rest because you did not condemn me, but you weren't soft with me either. Everyone else was too keen to assume my decision was made with equal parts strategy and morals in mind.
[ He didn't relish killing Andrew. He liked her, actually, and would have preferred to let her live. That he did not waste his time handwringing over an unpleasant choice is far from the personal failing others would make it out to be.
He's more hung up on this than he realized, isn't he? Elias inhales deeply, closing his eyes to instead give his attention to Angelo's hand tracing over his skin. It feels nice. ]
The key reason though is that I felt you had earned it. The right to know. You became worth more to me then as an ally than a pawn.
[ A risky thing to admit, especially given his commitment to keeping the mood up, but this can't be new information. Angelo knows what kind of person he is. ]
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'Earning it' is how Elias had phrased it back then too, but that was in the context of denying the privilege to the others. Angelo vaguely remembers opening their promenade conversation with expressing certainty that he hadn't earned it either - because why would he have? What would he even have done for that? Clearly Elias had thought of all of them as insignificants, and with good reason. Getting the name then anyway had not changed Angelo's assumptions on that end any. Elias enjoyed the company of a fellow cynic - so what? Nothing to it, nothing that had anything to do with true value.
Angelo raises his head a little, though it proves useless. He can't properly see Elias' expression in the dark. ]
At that point? Already?
[ He has not forgotten that it followed hot on the heels of him having a panic attack in trial. He hadn't exactly shown himself from his most useful side. ]
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Why does that surprise you?
[ They spoke about this once already, albeit indirectly. He wonders if Angelo is still upset with him over the interference at trial. Even now, Elias would have made the same choice he did in the moment. He'd rather Angelo alive and angry than dead with his warped version of dignity intact.
He's not going to ask, and he doesn't want to rekindle that argument despite its relevance here. Ugh. How annoying it is that every topic of conversation seems so likely to start another war. That's the cost of pursuing a relationship destined for implosion, but he wishes that eventuality was not so obvious at every damn turn. ]
It should have been obvious. I did tell you I would help you escape too, if I could. I would not have bothered for anyone else.
[ Save for Junior, but he doesn't want to distract... or talk about Junior at all, really. The exception makes no difference as far as Angelo is concerned. ]
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He hears what Elias is saying, but it doesn't quite connect. Sure, Elias would have kept him, if it did not come at cost to himself. Even then, he was better company than most, an amusing side project maybe. Pretty, too, he is aware. These don't feel like the kind of things that should raise him up above the status of a pawn, but..
Well, if Elias says so?
Angelo puts his head back down, cheek softly connecting with bare skin. ]
I hadn't even done anything for you yet.
[ Hadn't intended to, either. It was only after the execution, with that annoying talking cigarette case flapping gently in his pocket, that Angelo had started to think, truly think, that maybe-- ]
... and there you went, not believing me when I said I chose you before you invited me, too.
[ Just how foolish can they be? ]
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