spotsalone | angelo and the hickster's post-belle arctic adventures

[ Oh, Angelo feels his skin crawl at that assessment. He'd certainly been getting the impression that Tozer was concerned, but his own mind's insistence on being disliked that helped stamp down any further thoughts about the matter. Tozer is projecting. A cut and dry explanation for all that transpired.

But this-- Coming from Hickey, it has a damning amount of credibility.

Angelo squirms out of his hold and gets up, because there is a sudden current of frustrated energy within him that is struggling for an outlet. ]

Well, he should fuck right off.

[ He balls his right hand into a tight fist, another valve to release the budding pressure. ]

I'm not a pet project for him to nurture, and if he thinks this makes me need saving, then those tinned abominations have eaten more of his brain than I thought.

[ It's the same tins he's also had to start dipping into recently, with their other provisions running low enough that they could no longer sustain him on their own. Little facts that cannot stop Angelo from tasteless insults. ]

[ He makes a noise of disapproval as Angelo stands. Don't punish him for Tozer's transgressions. ]

You'll note I did not say "save". He's a soldier, not a mother hen.

[ This is going to be another instance of personals butting up against practicals, it seems. Hickey leans back against the bench, rolling the cigarette between his fingers as he watches Angelo. ]

The two of you have a fair amount in common. He's reacting to that, not to some weakness he sees in you.

[ He thinks, anyway. It may be both, but Hickey isn't about to suggest that. Let Tozer dig his own grave, if that's the case. ]

[ That just makes Angelo huff in annoyance. Whether it's at the content or the fact that Hickey thinks to defend Tozer at all, he can't quite say. ]

If he were such a proper soldier, he'd mind the fact that I outrank him.

[ Even though that rank is far from official. In a proper military, lieutenant is a rank for a commissioned officer and Angelo has received no real training that would qualify him for such a position. He got handed the title because it was convenient for what Frontal wanted of him.

Angelo leans against the table in the center of the room and crosses his arms, indignant. ]

I don't care to calm his nerves. He should stick to Pilkington.

[ Hickey sighs. He expected some irritation, but not to this degree. It's a good thing Angelo wasn't here to witness Tozer suggesting his sanity might be compromised.

He wonders too how much rank means to Angelo—or to Tozer, for that matter. He still refers to them by their titles, but it's all pandering. Armitage was hardly a soldier, but Hickey still called him "private" to keep him loyal. And no one addresses Hickey as their captain, anyway. Surely none of them must imagine these ranks are anything more than monikers. ]

Why does this bother you so?

[ Said through a lungful of smoke as he finishes off the cigarette. It's an honest question rather than an attempt to downplay. He could point out that this development may benefit them, if Angelo is willing to lean in. Clearly, he's not, but perhaps with some encouragement...

But he needs more information before he can massage this in any particular direction. Angelo is upset. He'll fix that, first. ]

[ The straightforward question makes Angelo frown a little differently, from an angry scrunching up of his nose to a confused wrinkling of his forehead. ]

It bothers you too, doesn't it?

[ He'd thought the source of annoyance would be blatantly obvious from even a cursory summary of the situation. If Tozer thinks he needs shielding, then he is not seeing him as an equal, let alone a superior... And worse, he's blatantly overreaching in terms of familiarity.

But even above all that... ]

Your left hand man thinks I'm with you through trickery. It's an insult to both of us.

[ And Hickey' initial response seemed to suggest much the same - but then, in the back of his mind, Angelo can hear Hickey saying the same thing Tozer had. That he's here for a lack of options. That no choice was ever involved. He shuts it out. ]

[ Hm. An insult to him, yes, but Hickey hadn't much considered it an insult to them both. It's plain enough now that Angelo points it out, though he's still inclined to think of it as a beneficial development.

Besides, the true insult to Angelo had come in private. ]

Tozer thinks that he is with me through trickery. He's projecting, and trying to make sense of circumstances he does not understand. Perhaps he's even trying to reconcile why I've chosen you over him.

[ That would make sense, really. If he feels himself manipulated, then seeing Angelo as a victim of that same manipulation would be a salve.

Angelo does have a point, though. Hickey tosses the spent cigarette into the stove. ]

It does bother me, yes, but that is not productive.

[ 'Productive'. It's a very Hickey-like word to use - and it turns this from a conversation between lovers (that's what they are now, is it not?) into more of a strategy meeting.

Angelo cannot deny that they have the need for one. Tozer's continued cooperation is imperative to their survival in the long run. They do not have a lot of crew left to man this ship and Tozer's more valuable than most of the others.

Thus Angelo sighs and uncrosses his arms so he can push a stray lock of hair out of his face. ]

Then what is?

Edited 2025-10-08 22:37 (UTC)

You could allow him to think he's made an impact.

[ Hickey stands finally and joins Angelo at the table. He won't like this suggestion. ]

I've set him straight as far as any trickery is concerned, as have you. But if he believes he's made something of an ally in you...

[ A conversation between lovers versus a strategy meeting... To Hickey, there is no distinction.

Not much of one, anyway. Though they do stand to gain from Angelo playing along, it's not their only avenue forward. For anyone else, Hickey would not offer options. It wouldn't be a discussion, but simply an order, if disguised as a gentle request.

Hickey's tongue plays at the inside of his cheek as he recalibrates. It's annoying, having to adjust his plans for the comfort of another, but he doesn't want Angelo unhappy. ]

It's your decision. I won't ask you to do anything that upsets you.

[ It's a very Hickey-like strategy and he must have known before he even said it that Angelo would hate it. He may phrase it nice and passive, but 'allowing Tozer to think' anything does invariably include some amount of pretending on Angelo's part. If not lying outright, then at the very least holding his tongue far more than he'd like to. Even though Angelo has no moral objection to such a gambit, the idea of having to put the energy in... It just pisses him off.

And even beyond his general unwillingness to bend himself around the psychological needs of others, there's something off about this plan. ]

You'd willingly allow him to think he's swayed me away from you at all?

[ That probably shouldn't bother Angelo, but it does. ]

[ Hickey shakes his head. ]

Not at all. You can appreciate his concerns without confirming them. If he feels a bond with you, he will realize he's wrong without us needing to convince him.

[ That, and all three of them will ultimately be happier for it. He still believes it's possible for Tozer and Angelo to get along. It seems that Angelo is the only one preventing that from happening now, though that's unsurprising. He's not inclined to get along with anyone. Hickey might be less willing to press the issue if he suspected any unique level of dislike for Tozer, but he suspects this is just more of the usual.

He takes a step closer and then reaches to give Angelo's hand a reassuring squeeze. ]

I would never allow him to believe he's driven a rift between us. Besides, I have serious doubts about our ability to play that part.

[ He smiles, his thumb brushing over Angelo's knuckles. It would be fun to pretend, but these circumstances aren't right for it. Hickey isn't willing to unwind himself from Angelo yet, not to the degree they would need to be convincing. ]

[ It's that final remark that gets a little huff of amusement out of Angelo. ]

You've got that right.

[ Coming up on two weeks of being together without getting into a fight about it, Angelo is slowly beginning to flourish in it. Hickey may have advised them to caution with the romantic part of their relationship, but that does little to put a damper on the sheer joy of flaunting a more general and more all-encompassing kind of belonging. He swore his life to Hickey - and as much as said life is a strange empty remnant that Angelo is not sure he's ever wanted, it still feels like it's been filled back up with meaning just a little.

A little belatedly, he remembers to squeeze Hickey's fingers in return. Thinking of physical gestures as something more than just exercises in passive endurance is still a conscious effort. ]

... I won't tell him that I told on him for insubordination. That's the best I can offer.

[ He laughs. ]

You would have told him otherwise?

[ Hickey would love to hear that conversation. He doubts withholding that information will make any difference, but he won't force the issue. Tozer's loyalty does still seem secure for the time being. ]

Just remember he's our ally, hm? You don't need to like him, but try not to dissuade him from liking you.

[ A feat Angelo has already miraculously succeeded in, somehow. If he stays the course, it shouldn't be an issue. The only risk is Angelo resisting more firmly now that he's offended by the prospect.

But Hickey can work on Tozer from his end, too. He won't let it become a true cause for concern. ]

[ Angelo shrugs, a gesture that separates their hands more on accident than on purpose. ]

I'm not trying to. It doesn't make much of a difference, as we both know.

[ Rose-scented soap and insistence on his privacy. An aggressive personality and a vague connection to the former case. A distaste for playing pretend with the fortunate. Little things that were all that it took. ]

I like Tozer just fine.

[ It had been waning again with the man's insistence on playing guardian, but it helps to read it as projection like Hickey does. Ultimately Tozer is useful, his priorities are largely logical rather than high-minded, and he most of the time he knows to mind his own business. With the rivalry over Hickey firmly settled, there is not much left to chafe against. ]

[ Another laugh. Yes, Angelo is objectively not a very likeable person—though Hickey would argue that the very thing that makes him so unlikeable is also the most charming thing about him. He is purely himself, and he has no desire whatsoever to make himself palatable. It's paradoxical in that Hickey can both relate to it and yet can't imagine himself ever doing the same. He can't afford that particular brand of fearlessness. ]

Ah, my mistake. You've spoken so highly of him, after all. What was it you said... You told him to shove his advice up his ass?

[ Hickey takes another step forward, crowding them gently against the table. His hands find Angelo's hips and he leans in to kiss at his jawline. ]

It sounds as though I have some competition. Should I be concerned about my standing with you?

[ He's teasing, eager to lighten the mood a little. The thought of Angelo leaving him for Tozer is comically outlandish. ]

[ It always impresses Angelo how hungry Hickey is for touch. It feels like ever since they opened the floodgates, he's not been able to get enough at all. Like he's traded in the need for food for a need for intimacy instead, feeding off Angelo in his own way.

If someone particularly lightfooted were to open the door now surprisingly they'd be greeted by an incriminating sight like no other, but Angelo still wraps his arms loosely around Hickey's waist. It's Hickey's risk to take. ]

It almost sounds like you want to be.

[ Angelo can imagine it well, strangely enough. A rival who is there in flesh and blood, to win Angelo away from. What a stark contrast to the cloud hanging between them, bearing the name of the other man Angelo holds dearest. ]

Unfortunately for you, you have nothing to fear. I keep my vows.

[ Hickey hums noncommittally. He would relish competition in the sense of another vying for Angelo's attention and failing spectacularly. False competition, really. Something to reaffirm their bond without true risk.

But he has no interest in a real fight. Especially not now, when they've just barely found their footing with one another. ]

I know.

[ His lips press to Angelo's cheek. Then, he pulls back a little, just enough to face each other... and because he's still aware of the unlocked door looming behind him. They can't get carried away.

He does have something else he wants to bring up, but the timing is abysmal—although, maybe it's not. They've taken pains to emphasize that their bond is secure. Hickey has made light of competition. They are seeing eye to eye today, aren't they? So long as he measures his reactions, surely... ]

Sergeant Tozer mentioned you told him of your Captain. You speak of him as though he is a god, he said.

[ Hickey is nervous as the words leave his mouth, a thing he feels so rarely in conversation. He wants to ask if it's true, but he hesitates, unable to find a phrasing that doesn't feel... accusatory. So he doesn't elaborate further for the moment. He wants to gauge Angelo's reaction first. ]

[ It's a little as though Hickey read his mind, but his mind might not have been too hard to read in this particular moment. Still, Angelo is taken aback. Why would Tozer feel like this is worth reporting to Hickey over...? Angelo had been wondering why he'd gotten here so early, but this can't possibly have weighed on his mind so much, can it?

Their arms around each other feel a little like chains suddenly - they're locked in this conversation now, inescapably. It's hard not to feel tense about it.

And it's equally hard not to feel defensive. Hickey told him that Angelo's affection for the Captain is not a problem in itself, and Angelo had taken him by his word on that. He doesn't know what he'd do if Hickey were to take it back. ]

... so what?

[ Despite the rough phrasing, it's a cautious question. None of this should come as a surprise. ]

We talked about Crozier, so it came up.

[ Crozier? Tozer failed to mention that detail. It's tempting to change course and pursue that instead, but he doubts that would go over well. Later, then. ]

There's no issue. The Tuunbaq threw Tozer's resolve in his own faith into question, so I suspect that's why he took notice of your phrasings.

[ It's not a lie, but... Hickey hopes he can avoid revealing Tozer's true reasons for broaching the topic. Angelo was angry enough just to be perceived as in need of guidance.

Hickey runs his tongue over his teeth, carefully considering his every word. Unconsciously, his grip on Angelo's hips tightens a little. ]

What did you say to him?

[ Why do you want to know?

It's the obvious counterquestion to ask here. Clearly there is no scenario in which Hickey will enjoy what Angelo has to say about the Captain - which is why Angelo, in a rare display of consideration and self-preservation, has kept his talk of the man well away from Hickey.

It's the obvious question, and any answer to it could allow Angelo to modulate his response accordingly, but...

It's that exact fact that halts his tongue and prevents him from asking.

It's below him, certainly below the Captain, and maybe even below Hickey himself to try and censor his feelings to make them palatable. Hickey's asked a question. He'll have to receive an answer. ]

I told him the Captain was a miracle of the kind that will never come again. A man who's transcended humanity and become something bigger, something worth trusting completely.

[ There is more he wants to say, a thousand defensive claims that would only serve to escalate, and he swallows back down on them like they're bile. He needs to wait for Hickey to react. ]

[ Hickey nods. This isn't new information after what Tozer passed along, but it's far more uncomfortable to hear it directly. Transcended humanity. No wonder Tozer put so much emphasis on that particular point. Hickey doesn't quite know what to make of it. It can't be literal.

He feels the frustration rearing up already, claws sinking in slowly in the back of his mind, but he ignores it in favor of gathering more information. He doesn't understand well enough to form any opinions just yet, he reminds himself, and he needs to try not to be annoyed by it. For Angelo's sake.

It annoys him too that he can't just magically deposit the relevant details into his brain and call it done. Teasing it out slowly through what promises to be a tense conversation... He doesn't want to know, doesn't want to be told. If nothing else, know thy enemy, he supposes. ]

And you feel this way because of your shared cause? Colony liberation?

[ He does what he can to keep his negativity from showing, but he's not hiding behind a fake smile this time. Angelo would see through it, anyway. ]

[ What is this? Angelo had been very fine with being pressed up against the table, caught in Hickey's hot embrace, but now he feels like he's being held in place for an interrogation. He drops his own arms from Hickey's waist braces himself against the table instead. Trying to keep his composure, he bites the inside of his lip.

Why did Tozer have to talk? What was he hoping to gain here? ]

That's part of it, yes.

[ Is Hickey hoping this was all a big misunderstanding? That Angelo's love can be boiled down to something as simple as political fanaticism? It's the obvious question rearing its head a second time, and this time Angelo doesn't resist it. ]

Why are you asking me about this now?

[ This shouldn't be any different from what Hickey already knew, what they'd wordlessly agreed to not discuss for two blissful weeks now. How can a single thoughtless statement from Tozer turn all this back around? ]

[ Angelo's arms fall away and Hickey sucks in a measured breath. Okay. Angelo wants space. Hickey lets his arms drop too as he takes a step back. There. Fixed, simple as that. It's not an action worth reading into any further. ]

I am trying to better understand you.

[ He nearly leaves it at that, but then remembers that was his answer last time they spoke of the Captain, too. That conversation went... poorly. He swallows, and tries again.

It's difficult, though, to put words to his feelings. He does not enjoy sharing like this—ever, but especially now. His thoughts are so clear in his mind, yet they never quite translate the way he wants them to. His best attempt went so poorly last time...

He could spin things, he knows. Polish his words to a shine, dress them up to get the reactions he's looking for. Total honesty is not required of him here. His small adjustments to the narrative would likely to undetected, and they would both be better off for it.

But he doesn't want to play Angelo that way, not if he can help it. Not if they're going to build something real between them. ]

Tozer mentioned you've spoken of your Captain amongst the crew as well, yet that topic has not come up between us in some time. I... dislike that you're censoring yourself with me.

[ There's a pause, and then: ]

Though I understand why you would.

[ Angelo hadn't expected Hickey to let go, but it is a relief to no longer be backed against a solid object with no easy way of escape. It's not that he wants to run from this, it's just that the gesture of affection had quickly started feeling quite reminiscent of gestures of physical intimidation. It's not an association Angelo really wants to hang onto here. It's just good to feel like he can breathe. ]

I hate doing it.

[ Starting like that comes easiest to him. Hating things is simple to do and simple to admit to. ]

And you're the only person I'd ever do it for. I don't care to upset you either.

[ He feels pathetic for it. Failing his Captain, failing himself... but the idea of letting Hickey go is just too much to bear. It's surely not just because he hasn't found a proper place to die yet and is relying on Hickey for survival. In the end, Hickey and Tozer are both right... he's full of desperation, with nowhere else to go. But he can't let that be all of it. He can't be so pitiful that that alone would make his heart twist so painfully. ]

[ A tangle of emotions Hickey can't quite place ripples through him. God, he wishes his heart and his head weren't so at odds with one another. He can't remember the last time he's had such trouble sorting himself out.

His hand twitches as he fights the instinct to reach for Angelo again. ]

Then don't. I won't ask you to do something you hate just for my benefit.

[ Yet he knows that he will hate the resulting shift should Angelo change tack. He does not want to hear about the Captain. He does not want Angelo to live in the past, forever locked in place by a ghost. If he had his choice, they would never speak of the Captain again, and Angelo would move on smoothly and all would be well. An impossible wish, so one of them is going to need to bend.

It may as well be Hickey. He can temper his own emotions better than Angelo, who will surely grow to resent him should this barrier between them remain. Hickey can stomach hate. He's done it plenty in the name of survival. At least this is a better cause to channel that ability.

He straightens, chin ticking up with resolve. Any future challenges that come as a result of this can be dealt with when they arise. He thinks of the goal he set for himself back on the ice. Angelo doesn't trust him, and Elias will change his mind. ]

I said that I want you as you are, and I meant it.

[ He means it. For now, he means it. Angelo knows he does. It's exactly what makes it so utterly ridiculous. Sure, Hickey won't ask him to, but that doesn't mean there won't be consequences if Angelo doesn't toe the unspoken line. It doesn't mean that every further bit of himself that Angelo bares won't drive Hickey further towards the inevitable realization that he doesn't want him, that Angelo isn't who he hoped he could be.

At the same time, he can't keep hiding himself when every day spent this way makes him become more and more of Hickey's whore. Out here on the icy seas, there is nowhere for either of them to run. They'll have to destroy each other, and Angelo doesn't want to be so weak that he'd go down on his own. ]

You'll probably regret this.

[ You'll regret me. No, you already do. ]

Edited 2025-10-10 23:07 (UTC)

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