Cornelius Hickey (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
spotsalone) wrote2025-04-11 07:04 pm
spotsalone) wrote2025-04-11 07:04 pm
Entry tags:
angelo and the hickster's post-belle arctic adventures
angelo cr chart
mutineers cr chart...
timeline:
- arrival; late july, mutineers' hill
- tent chats; early august, temporary camp
- spotting the ships; late august, terror camp
- tuunbaq attack; sept 1, ice floe camp
- boarding terror; fellas it's gay; early sept, hms terror
- dog to dog communication; early sept, forecastle
- bark bark bark; early sept, on deck
- coat! and post-tozer debrief; early sept, angelo's cabin
- 🌶️; early sept, hickey's cabin
- the dogs are unionizing(?); mid sept, cargo hold
- tozer/captain stuff, look at them having an adult conversation; mid sept, greatroom
- little rescue mission; early oct, terror bay
- post-little debrief; early oct, hickey's cabin
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But he has no interest in a real fight. Especially not now, when they've just barely found their footing with one another. ]
I know.
[ His lips press to Angelo's cheek. Then, he pulls back a little, just enough to face each other... and because he's still aware of the unlocked door looming behind him. They can't get carried away.
He does have something else he wants to bring up, but the timing is abysmal—although, maybe it's not. They've taken pains to emphasize that their bond is secure. Hickey has made light of competition. They are seeing eye to eye today, aren't they? So long as he measures his reactions, surely... ]
Sergeant Tozer mentioned you told him of your Captain. You speak of him as though he is a god, he said.
[ Hickey is nervous as the words leave his mouth, a thing he feels so rarely in conversation. He wants to ask if it's true, but he hesitates, unable to find a phrasing that doesn't feel... accusatory. So he doesn't elaborate further for the moment. He wants to gauge Angelo's reaction first. ]
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Their arms around each other feel a little like chains suddenly - they're locked in this conversation now, inescapably. It's hard not to feel tense about it.
And it's equally hard not to feel defensive. Hickey told him that Angelo's affection for the Captain is not a problem in itself, and Angelo had taken him by his word on that. He doesn't know what he'd do if Hickey were to take it back. ]
... so what?
[ Despite the rough phrasing, it's a cautious question. None of this should come as a surprise. ]
We talked about Crozier, so it came up.
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There's no issue. The Tuunbaq threw Tozer's resolve in his own faith into question, so I suspect that's why he took notice of your phrasings.
[ It's not a lie, but... Hickey hopes he can avoid revealing Tozer's true reasons for broaching the topic. Angelo was angry enough just to be perceived as in need of guidance.
Hickey runs his tongue over his teeth, carefully considering his every word. Unconsciously, his grip on Angelo's hips tightens a little. ]
What did you say to him?
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It's the obvious counterquestion to ask here. Clearly there is no scenario in which Hickey will enjoy what Angelo has to say about the Captain - which is why Angelo, in a rare display of consideration and self-preservation, has kept his talk of the man well away from Hickey.
It's the obvious question, and any answer to it could allow Angelo to modulate his response accordingly, but...
It's that exact fact that halts his tongue and prevents him from asking.
It's below him, certainly below the Captain, and maybe even below Hickey himself to try and censor his feelings to make them palatable. Hickey's asked a question. He'll have to receive an answer. ]
I told him the Captain was a miracle of the kind that will never come again. A man who's transcended humanity and become something bigger, something worth trusting completely.
[ There is more he wants to say, a thousand defensive claims that would only serve to escalate, and he swallows back down on them like they're bile. He needs to wait for Hickey to react. ]
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He feels the frustration rearing up already, claws sinking in slowly in the back of his mind, but he ignores it in favor of gathering more information. He doesn't understand well enough to form any opinions just yet, he reminds himself, and he needs to try not to be annoyed by it. For Angelo's sake.
It annoys him too that he can't just magically deposit the relevant details into his brain and call it done. Teasing it out slowly through what promises to be a tense conversation... He doesn't want to know, doesn't want to be told. If nothing else, know thy enemy, he supposes. ]
And you feel this way because of your shared cause? Colony liberation?
[ He does what he can to keep his negativity from showing, but he's not hiding behind a fake smile this time. Angelo would see through it, anyway. ]
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Why did Tozer have to talk? What was he hoping to gain here? ]
That's part of it, yes.
[ Is Hickey hoping this was all a big misunderstanding? That Angelo's love can be boiled down to something as simple as political fanaticism? It's the obvious question rearing its head a second time, and this time Angelo doesn't resist it. ]
Why are you asking me about this now?
[ This shouldn't be any different from what Hickey already knew, what they'd wordlessly agreed to not discuss for two blissful weeks now. How can a single thoughtless statement from Tozer turn all this back around? ]
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I am trying to better understand you.
[ He nearly leaves it at that, but then remembers that was his answer last time they spoke of the Captain, too. That conversation went... poorly. He swallows, and tries again.
It's difficult, though, to put words to his feelings. He does not enjoy sharing like this—ever, but especially now. His thoughts are so clear in his mind, yet they never quite translate the way he wants them to. His best attempt went so poorly last time...
He could spin things, he knows. Polish his words to a shine, dress them up to get the reactions he's looking for. Total honesty is not required of him here. His small adjustments to the narrative would likely to undetected, and they would both be better off for it.
But he doesn't want to play Angelo that way, not if he can help it. Not if they're going to build something real between them. ]
Tozer mentioned you've spoken of your Captain amongst the crew as well, yet that topic has not come up between us in some time. I... dislike that you're censoring yourself with me.
[ There's a pause, and then: ]
Though I understand why you would.
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I hate doing it.
[ Starting like that comes easiest to him. Hating things is simple to do and simple to admit to. ]
And you're the only person I'd ever do it for. I don't care to upset you either.
[ He feels pathetic for it. Failing his Captain, failing himself... but the idea of letting Hickey go is just too much to bear. It's surely not just because he hasn't found a proper place to die yet and is relying on Hickey for survival. In the end, Hickey and Tozer are both right... he's full of desperation, with nowhere else to go. But he can't let that be all of it. He can't be so pitiful that that alone would make his heart twist so painfully. ]
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His hand twitches as he fights the instinct to reach for Angelo again. ]
Then don't. I won't ask you to do something you hate just for my benefit.
[ Yet he knows that he will hate the resulting shift should Angelo change tack. He does not want to hear about the Captain. He does not want Angelo to live in the past, forever locked in place by a ghost. If he had his choice, they would never speak of the Captain again, and Angelo would move on smoothly and all would be well. An impossible wish, so one of them is going to need to bend.
It may as well be Hickey. He can temper his own emotions better than Angelo, who will surely grow to resent him should this barrier between them remain. Hickey can stomach hate. He's done it plenty in the name of survival. At least this is a better cause to channel that ability.
He straightens, chin ticking up with resolve. Any future challenges that come as a result of this can be dealt with when they arise. He thinks of the goal he set for himself back on the ice. Angelo doesn't trust him, and Elias will change his mind. ]
I said that I want you as you are, and I meant it.
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At the same time, he can't keep hiding himself when every day spent this way makes him become more and more of Hickey's whore. Out here on the icy seas, there is nowhere for either of them to run. They'll have to destroy each other, and Angelo doesn't want to be so weak that he'd go down on his own. ]
You'll probably regret this.
[ You'll regret me. No, you already do. ]
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I won't. I would've put a stop to all of this by now if I had such doubts.
[ Their first night together, he very nearly did. If he regrets anything, it's allowing himself to come so close to pulling the trigger. He wishes he hadn't revealed so much of his hand in that moment.
Angelo has a knack of muddying the waters like that, his words somehow capable of influence in a way Hickey has never felt before—or, rather, has not felt in a long while and had thought himself immune to such mental malleability. He so clearly remembers how it felt to promise himself to Angelo. Anything, for you. In that moment, he meant it, and he doesn't understand how he possibly could. That is not how he operates. That is not how instinct would guide him should he ever truly be faced with a choice between the two of them. How on earth Angelo has managed to disarm him so thoroughly is beyond him.
But he did, and there's evidence enough in that near-miss with sabotage. He remembers how that moment felt, too.
His eyes drop. There's a question he needs to ask, but he's afraid to ask it. Afraid. That feels impossible. It's his will to shake himself out of such a childish emotion that allows him to form the words. ]
What did you mean... when you said that your heart belongs to your Captain?
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He can't, of course. Even without Hickey's hands gripping his hips, even without Hickey's body blocking his exit, Angelo is held in his presence all the same. They way Elias of all people averts his gaze in between pins him down more than any sharp gaze could have. ]
I...
[ What did he mean that he could put into words other than the ones he's already said? Despite his penchant for thinking in dramatics, Angelo is no poet. He does not possess the clarity to convey his emotions to others, can only revel in their twistedness for himself. His tongue darts over his lips, as though lubrication could somehow make the transition from feeling to speech any smoother.
Elias wants an honest answer - and Angelo finds that that is exactly what he wants to give, too. ]
The Captain was everything to me. He saved me from depravity and purified my stained sheets once more. He was a raw power that could burn through all impurities. Beyond humanity, beyond deceit, a force that would raze out all corruption.
[ The words come haltingly at first, then faster, more reverently. The red-clad figure conjured up in Angelo's mind is once again spreading his protection over him. As long as the Captain is there, he won't be hurt. As long as the Captain is there, he can stand up straight. ]
My heart belongs to him like an angel belongs to a god. The moment we met, he became a part of me.
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But it only lasts a few seconds, and then Angelo keeps talking, and Elias' heart untwists itself slowly. It takes him a few seconds more to understand why.
Angelo does speak of his Captain as a god. He outright draws the comparison himself, for one, but the rest of it too... Beyond humanity, like some ethereal spectre, an object of reverence not meant to be understood or coupled with.
Elias does not want Angelo to think of him this way. He doesn't want to be some grand, unknowable thing that Angelo belittles himself at the feet of. He's already accomplished some lesser version of that with the other mutineers, he knows, and... To him, they are objects, too. He can't respect a man that would kneel to him so readily, and he can't love a man that he doesn't respect.
An answer to the question he hadn't asked: This is how Angelo manages to disarm him so. He will never fall victim to Hickey's charisma because he's come equipped with his own guiding light—and that immunity is as much a comfort as it is a terrifying thing to give himself over to.
He nods weakly as his breathing quickens despite himself. For all his talk of shoving away doubt, he does want to run now. This is more than he can handle, more than he's ready for, he needs time to think through each avenue forward, what this means, what this will do to him—
Instead, he tenses, his eyes closing as he steels himself. ]
I... am falling in love with you.
[ His pulse pounds in his ears. He has no plan, nowhere he's leading with this. Flying blind may just be the worst feeling in the world. ]
He is part of you, and I accept that. But if he occupies so much of your heart that there is none left, then...
[ He sucks in a breath. Then what, he doesn't know. ]
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So preparation has turned into resolve now. Angelo should have known this. And more than knowing it, he should have felt it in every touch, in every bit of heat passed between them. ('Anything, for you' - but then people never mean what they say in the heat of the moment, do they?)
Is the ship swaying harder below their feet or is it that Angelo is losing his balance? He can't tell. He can hear his own heartbeat. This conversation was always going to come back to them, but he hadn't been prepared, not today, now now--
Love.
How preposterous to think that anybody would feel such an emotion for him.
It's difficult to figure out what to do with his body. He feels like a foreign element in the room. Leaning against the desk is wrong, approaching Hickey is wrong, turning away to face the window is wrong-- There's no protocol for something like this, no roadmap to follow. Angelo's eyes dart all over, and then land on Hickey again anyway. He also inhales deeply. ]
-- does it look like nothing to you?
[ Angelo coming to the arctic with him, Angelo offering up his body, Angelo taking pride in being considered a unit, Angelo mending his clothes, washing his sheets, returning his touches-- Is that none of his heart left? He doesn't know either. Hickey is very hung up on that word, 'heart', but Angelo can't figure out what it even means to himself anymore. ]
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But that's not how it's meant, is it? No, he dislikes the question because it makes him feel stupid. Of course it doesn't look like nothing. Whatever connection exists between them, Hickey feels it each time he runs his fingers over the stitches in his lapel. He hears it in the way Angelo says his name, sees it in the way his shoulders drop when they're finally alone together, like it's the first time he's been able to breathe all day.
Discard me at your peril.
My commitment to you isn't to be questioned.
There's a life left, and when I'm with you I feel like it might not be a waste.
And he knows, really, that Angelo is not here for lack of options. A choice always exists, and he willingly walked into hell just to stay by Hickey's side. He said he hadn't wanted to become the pet of some immortal, so why would he place himself here just to fill a role? No one can replace the Captain. Hickey is not his savior nor is he a beacon to follow—he's something new.
Hickey doesn't understand what that means, and for the first time it occurs to him that Angelo doesn't understand, either. ]
No. No, it doesn't look like nothing.
[ When a person's words don't match their actions, the truth always lies within the actions, doesn't it? Words can be meaningless, just thoughtless sounds strung together on a whim. Lying is easy. Why has he placed so much stock in Angelo's words above all else, then? It feels so foolish now.
Hickey exhales slowly, though it does little to chase away the raw tangle of nerves in his chest. He can't make sense of that, either. Such strong emotions make him feel naked. The itch in the back of his mind urges him to find a way out, to leave the greatroom without another word—or better yet, take it all back. Insult the Captain, belittle Angelo's devotion, say whatever vile thing first comes to mind just to unravel it all. If he turns now, Angelo will chalk everything else up to deceit, and Hickey will be safe again. Unknown.
He winces, a hand raising to pinch at his brow as he chases off the thought. Such a move would be unacceptable. ]
You have made an awful mess of my head, you know.
[ There's no real blame in his voice. This isn't Angelo's fault. ]
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Angelo sighs shakily and takes a step forward, almost stumbling. ]
... right back at you.
[ His head has never been orderly to begin with, of course. There's always something screaming inside him, mixed up and twisted and only calm when a greater darkness shrouds him from the world. Hickey's turned the twistedness into a foreign beast, stumbling over itself. ]
It's not nothing.
[ Another step, and then he's in front of Hickey. He'd told him before that he doesn't understand what they are to each other, and nothing has truly changed on that front, but... ]
I feel like an idiot for it. Even though I've always known that desire would only lead to hurt, I... [ He trails off, and when he starts back up again, it's with a slightly different thought. ] I've been chewed up so many times, but I've never wanted to be consumed before.
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But he knows they're not going to resolve that tonight, not without some method for divining the future. In essence, he's exactly where he started, forging ahead on hope alone. The only difference is he's revealed his own insecurities.
Hope will have to be enough, then. Hickey can build the story he wants from the affections Angelo does show him, and he can pretend it's all real. If Angelo cannot love him in the end, then maybe a lie is better than heartbreak. They can enjoy what they do have, and Angelo can pretend to love him while they both know he doesn't, and Hickey can stomach it, find solace in it even, because maybe that willingness to lie could be close enough to love.
God, but he hopes. ]
Desire doesn't need to lead to hurt.
[ They're close enough now that Hickey could reach for Angelo's hand again. Pull him into a kiss, caress his hair, trail fingertips over the pulse at his throat. He wants to, but he stops himself. ]
You'd best not mean that you expect I'll hurt you.
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Angelo shakes his head. ]
That's not it. Just... I'd only ever loved the Captain, and I wanted nothing of him. Of course, I had-- I had thoughts, and I wished he would lean on me a little more, but... Just following him was enough. Just watching him was enough. I could take pride in that, and I was fulfilled, inside out.
[ That distant back, taking on the world all on his own... Angelo longed to carry more of his burden, but it was the fact that Frontal would have never asked him to that made him so reliable, so admirable, so utterly perfect. Longing for him was enough. Longing for him was not just fulfilling, it was ecstasy. But Elias...
If Elias won't close the gap, maybe Angelo should. No, he has to. He can't answer Elias' confession, but he can take hold of his hands. It's strange that their fingers are almost the same size. The Captain's hands had been so large and cold... ]
You're different. The sheets of this bed are so rough and they never smell clean, no matter how much I wash them... but I still want this. Isn't that strange? Isn't it strange that all I want is to lay with you?
[ It should feel degrading, but it doesn't. That is the weirdest part of all. ]
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Angelo takes hold of his hands and Hickey basks in the feel of it as the world seems to shift around them. Something has changed again. Since their first kiss, he's felt that they belong to one another, but it's more than that now. A partnership, two halves of a whole, the both of them existing as something bigger than themselves, if only just. Together.
What a beautiful feeling—and one that he's never felt before. His throat tightens. You're different, Angelo says, and yet he is, too. How terrifying.
He shakes his head. ]
That's not strange at all.
[ One hand raises and settles at the back of Angelo's neck as Hickey pulls him into a soft kiss. It's as much an action of love as it is to ground himself again. He feels... smaller, somehow. Distant from his body in an unpleasant way. ]
I understand now what your Captain means to you, but I want you to want more for yourself. You should not be satisfied to idle on your magnificence in a shadow. You deserve more than just watching and following.
[ His voice is gentle, cautious. The last time he spoke like this, everything went to hell between them, but it's not an opinion he's content to withhold. Perhaps now Angelo will understand his intention is not to insult. ]
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He wants, and it hurts, and it keeps him alive far beyond his point of expiry, and Hickey still doesn't get it. ]
Stop looking down on me.
[ Two weeks ago, it would have been spat out venomously, his voice raised. Now, he manages to keep his tone even and his voice low. This is for the two of them, close as they are standing, hands linked. ]
If you want to understand me, stop looking at my past fulfillment as humiliation. I was happy. It was an honor to be where I was.
[ This will hurt Hickey to hear and he knows it, so he tries not to pause too long in finding his next words. ]
And it's an honor to you that even though I had all of that, I'm dedicating myself to you, who is completely different. I had everything I ever wanted, and you still managed to make me want something else again. You made me give up heaven to come live in hell with you - and you made it worth it, like you promised.
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He nearly interrupts to say as much—humiliation is not the term he would use—but then Angelo pivots, and... Hm.
He cannot relate to this pride of Angelo's. Subservience is a humiliation; one that is often necessary to move forward, but nonetheless, it is degrading and frustrating and how can Angelo not yearn for the freedom of agency? How can he have been satisfied, fulfilled even, with such a one-sided love? The thought of Angelo freezing to death as he comforts a corpse still haunts Hickey. If Ish hadn't stolen him...
Hickey cannot relate, but he tries. His own life has not been a happy story. It's exhausting, his eternal need for something more, always searching and searching and never truly satisfied. Perhaps its his own voracious ambition that won't allow him to see Angelo's accomplishments as an honor. The thought is accompanied by a pang of sadness, and he's not sure which one of them it's for. ]
Alright. I understand.
[ As well enough as he can, anyway. He'll drop the issue, at least until he can better unpack it for himself. It may be worth revisiting.
His hand slides down from Angelo's neck to rest against his chest. There's a small smile brought on by the rest of his words. The significance of Angelo's looking forward does resonate with Hickey. Maybe, in time, that will be enough to wash away his other misgivings. ]
Praise me for keeping my word after I've gotten you out of here. You make it sound as though I've stolen you away from paradise for a life of misery.
[ He says it lightly, trying to lift both of them out of the melancholy.
But he knows that Angelo would return to that life if he could. Yes, he chose Hickey in the aftermath, but if his Captain appeared now to take him home... It's a scenario that Hickey would've once brushed aside as an obvious impossibility, but after all that he's seen? He can't rule it out completely. If Angelo remains forever in that shadow, so will Hickey. All of this could be taken from him in an instant.
It's not a thought he's eager to dwell on, but it does linger in the back of his mind. ]
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He feels not just light-headed but legitimately lighter. No matter how much Hickey had previously insisted to want his true self, Angelo'd wound up bending himself close to the point of snapping trying to tie them down in a relationship he'd known to be impossible. It still feels impossible now, but they've bought themselves time.
And if Hickey can truly love the Angelo who loves Full Frontal... Ah, can Hickey feel his heart beating a little faster even through the thick fabric of his uniform? He wonders.
He hadn't realized before just how much he'd wanted to tell Hickey about the Captain. Not just to assert himself, not just to undo the knots he'd twisted himself into, but just to speak. Telling Pilkington, or Hodgson, or even Tozer doesn't bring the same satisfaction. After all, Hickey is different.
Different is a nice word. He'd said before that there is no comparison, but 'different' is the key that can make it true.
Angelo smiles and leans in a little closer, enclosing Hickey's hand between their chests. ]
Well, I am living in misery. I am unbearably dirty, foul-smelling, exhausted, starving... and I'm glad I came with you. I'd say you can take that as an accomplishment.
[ It's his turn to duck forward and press a kiss to Hickey's lips. ]
Don't worry, I do want more for us. I'll praise you even more vigorously once you've brought us someplace with a shower.
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There's a lingering heaviness in his heart, though. His resilience has not broken, but there are cracks in the walls that leave him feeling anxious and... fragile. This conversation has been so out of character for him, allowing himself to be guided by emotions rather than logic, revealing far too much of himself. The risk paid off, but he wishes he hadn't put shape to his feelings for Angelo. Surely it wasn't necessary to lay himself bare in such a way.
Is that where the sense of togetherness is stemming from? That feels frightening too, though in a pleasant way. It will be an adjustment, factoring another person into his trajectory, but one he's happy to make.
He thinks, anyway. His refusal to do exactly that has wrecked more than one relationship in the past. But Angelo is different, and so is Hickey. ]
Mm, showers... I do miss those from the palace.
[ He misses a lot of things from the palace, actually. Such fancy amenities... It spoiled him some. The transition back to this has been especially unpleasant. ]
The misery is only temporary, I promise. Though, perhaps we should have clarified with Ish as to when he'll be returning.
[ He said Halloween, but Hickey failed to factor in how calendars might differ interdimensionally... ]
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[ Angelo tilts his head a little. This is a thought that is occurring to him for the very first time. He'd simply taken it to be 'in a year' and adjusted his expectations accordingly. After about two months in this world, they'd have ten to go... But now that Hickey is saying this, he's realizing that that's not what this calendar agrees with. If it were Halloween as according to each world... ]
You think there's a chance he'll already show next month?
[ The thought is strange. As much as Angelo is eager to be done with arctic exploration, it would feel incomplete to leave without completing their objectives. ]
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He could show at any time, but I can't imagine he's eager to meet us again so soon.
[ They're kind of a pain to deal with, aren't they? And Hickey is still angry over Ish selling him out at carnivale... Smug bastard. ]
If he does, though, we ought to have a plan in place.
[ He already has one, of course. If he and Angelo leave now, the rest of the crew stands little chance of survival. Tozer might be able to see them home, but he wouldn't want to lead and likely wouldn't have the resolve for it anyway, should they abandon him.
Magicking themselves away from peril is a cheap trick. After all they've gone through to make it this far, Hickey would find no satisfaction in cheating a victory.
But he's quiet for the moment, watching for Angelo's reaction. If he does want to leave... perhaps the plan can be adjusted. ]
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