Cornelius Hickey (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
spotsalone) wrote2025-04-11 07:04 pm
spotsalone) wrote2025-04-11 07:04 pm
Entry tags:
angelo and the hickster's post-belle arctic adventures
angelo cr chart
mutineers cr chart...
timeline:
- arrival; late july, mutineers' hill
- tent chats; early august, temporary camp
- spotting the ships; late august, terror camp
- tuunbaq attack; sept 1, ice floe camp
- boarding terror; fellas it's gay; early sept, hms terror
- dog to dog communication; early sept, forecastle
- bark bark bark; early sept, on deck
- coat! and post-tozer debrief; early sept, angelo's cabin
- 🌶️; early sept, hickey's cabin
- the dogs are unionizing(?); mid sept, cargo hold
- tozer/captain stuff, look at them having an adult conversation; mid sept, greatroom
- little rescue mission; early oct, terror bay
- post-little debrief; early oct, hickey's cabin
no subject
He can't, of course. Even without Hickey's hands gripping his hips, even without Hickey's body blocking his exit, Angelo is held in his presence all the same. They way Elias of all people averts his gaze in between pins him down more than any sharp gaze could have. ]
I...
[ What did he mean that he could put into words other than the ones he's already said? Despite his penchant for thinking in dramatics, Angelo is no poet. He does not possess the clarity to convey his emotions to others, can only revel in their twistedness for himself. His tongue darts over his lips, as though lubrication could somehow make the transition from feeling to speech any smoother.
Elias wants an honest answer - and Angelo finds that that is exactly what he wants to give, too. ]
The Captain was everything to me. He saved me from depravity and purified my stained sheets once more. He was a raw power that could burn through all impurities. Beyond humanity, beyond deceit, a force that would raze out all corruption.
[ The words come haltingly at first, then faster, more reverently. The red-clad figure conjured up in Angelo's mind is once again spreading his protection over him. As long as the Captain is there, he won't be hurt. As long as the Captain is there, he can stand up straight. ]
My heart belongs to him like an angel belongs to a god. The moment we met, he became a part of me.
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But it only lasts a few seconds, and then Angelo keeps talking, and Elias' heart untwists itself slowly. It takes him a few seconds more to understand why.
Angelo does speak of his Captain as a god. He outright draws the comparison himself, for one, but the rest of it too... Beyond humanity, like some ethereal spectre, an object of reverence not meant to be understood or coupled with.
Elias does not want Angelo to think of him this way. He doesn't want to be some grand, unknowable thing that Angelo belittles himself at the feet of. He's already accomplished some lesser version of that with the other mutineers, he knows, and... To him, they are objects, too. He can't respect a man that would kneel to him so readily, and he can't love a man that he doesn't respect.
An answer to the question he hadn't asked: This is how Angelo manages to disarm him so. He will never fall victim to Hickey's charisma because he's come equipped with his own guiding light—and that immunity is as much a comfort as it is a terrifying thing to give himself over to.
He nods weakly as his breathing quickens despite himself. For all his talk of shoving away doubt, he does want to run now. This is more than he can handle, more than he's ready for, he needs time to think through each avenue forward, what this means, what this will do to him—
Instead, he tenses, his eyes closing as he steels himself. ]
I... am falling in love with you.
[ His pulse pounds in his ears. He has no plan, nowhere he's leading with this. Flying blind may just be the worst feeling in the world. ]
He is part of you, and I accept that. But if he occupies so much of your heart that there is none left, then...
[ He sucks in a breath. Then what, he doesn't know. ]
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So preparation has turned into resolve now. Angelo should have known this. And more than knowing it, he should have felt it in every touch, in every bit of heat passed between them. ('Anything, for you' - but then people never mean what they say in the heat of the moment, do they?)
Is the ship swaying harder below their feet or is it that Angelo is losing his balance? He can't tell. He can hear his own heartbeat. This conversation was always going to come back to them, but he hadn't been prepared, not today, now now--
Love.
How preposterous to think that anybody would feel such an emotion for him.
It's difficult to figure out what to do with his body. He feels like a foreign element in the room. Leaning against the desk is wrong, approaching Hickey is wrong, turning away to face the window is wrong-- There's no protocol for something like this, no roadmap to follow. Angelo's eyes dart all over, and then land on Hickey again anyway. He also inhales deeply. ]
-- does it look like nothing to you?
[ Angelo coming to the arctic with him, Angelo offering up his body, Angelo taking pride in being considered a unit, Angelo mending his clothes, washing his sheets, returning his touches-- Is that none of his heart left? He doesn't know either. Hickey is very hung up on that word, 'heart', but Angelo can't figure out what it even means to himself anymore. ]
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But that's not how it's meant, is it? No, he dislikes the question because it makes him feel stupid. Of course it doesn't look like nothing. Whatever connection exists between them, Hickey feels it each time he runs his fingers over the stitches in his lapel. He hears it in the way Angelo says his name, sees it in the way his shoulders drop when they're finally alone together, like it's the first time he's been able to breathe all day.
Discard me at your peril.
My commitment to you isn't to be questioned.
There's a life left, and when I'm with you I feel like it might not be a waste.
And he knows, really, that Angelo is not here for lack of options. A choice always exists, and he willingly walked into hell just to stay by Hickey's side. He said he hadn't wanted to become the pet of some immortal, so why would he place himself here just to fill a role? No one can replace the Captain. Hickey is not his savior nor is he a beacon to follow—he's something new.
Hickey doesn't understand what that means, and for the first time it occurs to him that Angelo doesn't understand, either. ]
No. No, it doesn't look like nothing.
[ When a person's words don't match their actions, the truth always lies within the actions, doesn't it? Words can be meaningless, just thoughtless sounds strung together on a whim. Lying is easy. Why has he placed so much stock in Angelo's words above all else, then? It feels so foolish now.
Hickey exhales slowly, though it does little to chase away the raw tangle of nerves in his chest. He can't make sense of that, either. Such strong emotions make him feel naked. The itch in the back of his mind urges him to find a way out, to leave the greatroom without another word—or better yet, take it all back. Insult the Captain, belittle Angelo's devotion, say whatever vile thing first comes to mind just to unravel it all. If he turns now, Angelo will chalk everything else up to deceit, and Hickey will be safe again. Unknown.
He winces, a hand raising to pinch at his brow as he chases off the thought. Such a move would be unacceptable. ]
You have made an awful mess of my head, you know.
[ There's no real blame in his voice. This isn't Angelo's fault. ]
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Angelo sighs shakily and takes a step forward, almost stumbling. ]
... right back at you.
[ His head has never been orderly to begin with, of course. There's always something screaming inside him, mixed up and twisted and only calm when a greater darkness shrouds him from the world. Hickey's turned the twistedness into a foreign beast, stumbling over itself. ]
It's not nothing.
[ Another step, and then he's in front of Hickey. He'd told him before that he doesn't understand what they are to each other, and nothing has truly changed on that front, but... ]
I feel like an idiot for it. Even though I've always known that desire would only lead to hurt, I... [ He trails off, and when he starts back up again, it's with a slightly different thought. ] I've been chewed up so many times, but I've never wanted to be consumed before.
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But he knows they're not going to resolve that tonight, not without some method for divining the future. In essence, he's exactly where he started, forging ahead on hope alone. The only difference is he's revealed his own insecurities.
Hope will have to be enough, then. Hickey can build the story he wants from the affections Angelo does show him, and he can pretend it's all real. If Angelo cannot love him in the end, then maybe a lie is better than heartbreak. They can enjoy what they do have, and Angelo can pretend to love him while they both know he doesn't, and Hickey can stomach it, find solace in it even, because maybe that willingness to lie could be close enough to love.
God, but he hopes. ]
Desire doesn't need to lead to hurt.
[ They're close enough now that Hickey could reach for Angelo's hand again. Pull him into a kiss, caress his hair, trail fingertips over the pulse at his throat. He wants to, but he stops himself. ]
You'd best not mean that you expect I'll hurt you.
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Angelo shakes his head. ]
That's not it. Just... I'd only ever loved the Captain, and I wanted nothing of him. Of course, I had-- I had thoughts, and I wished he would lean on me a little more, but... Just following him was enough. Just watching him was enough. I could take pride in that, and I was fulfilled, inside out.
[ That distant back, taking on the world all on his own... Angelo longed to carry more of his burden, but it was the fact that Frontal would have never asked him to that made him so reliable, so admirable, so utterly perfect. Longing for him was enough. Longing for him was not just fulfilling, it was ecstasy. But Elias...
If Elias won't close the gap, maybe Angelo should. No, he has to. He can't answer Elias' confession, but he can take hold of his hands. It's strange that their fingers are almost the same size. The Captain's hands had been so large and cold... ]
You're different. The sheets of this bed are so rough and they never smell clean, no matter how much I wash them... but I still want this. Isn't that strange? Isn't it strange that all I want is to lay with you?
[ It should feel degrading, but it doesn't. That is the weirdest part of all. ]
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Angelo takes hold of his hands and Hickey basks in the feel of it as the world seems to shift around them. Something has changed again. Since their first kiss, he's felt that they belong to one another, but it's more than that now. A partnership, two halves of a whole, the both of them existing as something bigger than themselves, if only just. Together.
What a beautiful feeling—and one that he's never felt before. His throat tightens. You're different, Angelo says, and yet he is, too. How terrifying.
He shakes his head. ]
That's not strange at all.
[ One hand raises and settles at the back of Angelo's neck as Hickey pulls him into a soft kiss. It's as much an action of love as it is to ground himself again. He feels... smaller, somehow. Distant from his body in an unpleasant way. ]
I understand now what your Captain means to you, but I want you to want more for yourself. You should not be satisfied to idle on your magnificence in a shadow. You deserve more than just watching and following.
[ His voice is gentle, cautious. The last time he spoke like this, everything went to hell between them, but it's not an opinion he's content to withhold. Perhaps now Angelo will understand his intention is not to insult. ]
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He wants, and it hurts, and it keeps him alive far beyond his point of expiry, and Hickey still doesn't get it. ]
Stop looking down on me.
[ Two weeks ago, it would have been spat out venomously, his voice raised. Now, he manages to keep his tone even and his voice low. This is for the two of them, close as they are standing, hands linked. ]
If you want to understand me, stop looking at my past fulfillment as humiliation. I was happy. It was an honor to be where I was.
[ This will hurt Hickey to hear and he knows it, so he tries not to pause too long in finding his next words. ]
And it's an honor to you that even though I had all of that, I'm dedicating myself to you, who is completely different. I had everything I ever wanted, and you still managed to make me want something else again. You made me give up heaven to come live in hell with you - and you made it worth it, like you promised.
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He nearly interrupts to say as much—humiliation is not the term he would use—but then Angelo pivots, and... Hm.
He cannot relate to this pride of Angelo's. Subservience is a humiliation; one that is often necessary to move forward, but nonetheless, it is degrading and frustrating and how can Angelo not yearn for the freedom of agency? How can he have been satisfied, fulfilled even, with such a one-sided love? The thought of Angelo freezing to death as he comforts a corpse still haunts Hickey. If Ish hadn't stolen him...
Hickey cannot relate, but he tries. His own life has not been a happy story. It's exhausting, his eternal need for something more, always searching and searching and never truly satisfied. Perhaps its his own voracious ambition that won't allow him to see Angelo's accomplishments as an honor. The thought is accompanied by a pang of sadness, and he's not sure which one of them it's for. ]
Alright. I understand.
[ As well enough as he can, anyway. He'll drop the issue, at least until he can better unpack it for himself. It may be worth revisiting.
His hand slides down from Angelo's neck to rest against his chest. There's a small smile brought on by the rest of his words. The significance of Angelo's looking forward does resonate with Hickey. Maybe, in time, that will be enough to wash away his other misgivings. ]
Praise me for keeping my word after I've gotten you out of here. You make it sound as though I've stolen you away from paradise for a life of misery.
[ He says it lightly, trying to lift both of them out of the melancholy.
But he knows that Angelo would return to that life if he could. Yes, he chose Hickey in the aftermath, but if his Captain appeared now to take him home... It's a scenario that Hickey would've once brushed aside as an obvious impossibility, but after all that he's seen? He can't rule it out completely. If Angelo remains forever in that shadow, so will Hickey. All of this could be taken from him in an instant.
It's not a thought he's eager to dwell on, but it does linger in the back of his mind. ]
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He feels not just light-headed but legitimately lighter. No matter how much Hickey had previously insisted to want his true self, Angelo'd wound up bending himself close to the point of snapping trying to tie them down in a relationship he'd known to be impossible. It still feels impossible now, but they've bought themselves time.
And if Hickey can truly love the Angelo who loves Full Frontal... Ah, can Hickey feel his heart beating a little faster even through the thick fabric of his uniform? He wonders.
He hadn't realized before just how much he'd wanted to tell Hickey about the Captain. Not just to assert himself, not just to undo the knots he'd twisted himself into, but just to speak. Telling Pilkington, or Hodgson, or even Tozer doesn't bring the same satisfaction. After all, Hickey is different.
Different is a nice word. He'd said before that there is no comparison, but 'different' is the key that can make it true.
Angelo smiles and leans in a little closer, enclosing Hickey's hand between their chests. ]
Well, I am living in misery. I am unbearably dirty, foul-smelling, exhausted, starving... and I'm glad I came with you. I'd say you can take that as an accomplishment.
[ It's his turn to duck forward and press a kiss to Hickey's lips. ]
Don't worry, I do want more for us. I'll praise you even more vigorously once you've brought us someplace with a shower.
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There's a lingering heaviness in his heart, though. His resilience has not broken, but there are cracks in the walls that leave him feeling anxious and... fragile. This conversation has been so out of character for him, allowing himself to be guided by emotions rather than logic, revealing far too much of himself. The risk paid off, but he wishes he hadn't put shape to his feelings for Angelo. Surely it wasn't necessary to lay himself bare in such a way.
Is that where the sense of togetherness is stemming from? That feels frightening too, though in a pleasant way. It will be an adjustment, factoring another person into his trajectory, but one he's happy to make.
He thinks, anyway. His refusal to do exactly that has wrecked more than one relationship in the past. But Angelo is different, and so is Hickey. ]
Mm, showers... I do miss those from the palace.
[ He misses a lot of things from the palace, actually. Such fancy amenities... It spoiled him some. The transition back to this has been especially unpleasant. ]
The misery is only temporary, I promise. Though, perhaps we should have clarified with Ish as to when he'll be returning.
[ He said Halloween, but Hickey failed to factor in how calendars might differ interdimensionally... ]
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[ Angelo tilts his head a little. This is a thought that is occurring to him for the very first time. He'd simply taken it to be 'in a year' and adjusted his expectations accordingly. After about two months in this world, they'd have ten to go... But now that Hickey is saying this, he's realizing that that's not what this calendar agrees with. If it were Halloween as according to each world... ]
You think there's a chance he'll already show next month?
[ The thought is strange. As much as Angelo is eager to be done with arctic exploration, it would feel incomplete to leave without completing their objectives. ]
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He could show at any time, but I can't imagine he's eager to meet us again so soon.
[ They're kind of a pain to deal with, aren't they? And Hickey is still angry over Ish selling him out at carnivale... Smug bastard. ]
If he does, though, we ought to have a plan in place.
[ He already has one, of course. If he and Angelo leave now, the rest of the crew stands little chance of survival. Tozer might be able to see them home, but he wouldn't want to lead and likely wouldn't have the resolve for it anyway, should they abandon him.
Magicking themselves away from peril is a cheap trick. After all they've gone through to make it this far, Hickey would find no satisfaction in cheating a victory.
But he's quiet for the moment, watching for Angelo's reaction. If he does want to leave... perhaps the plan can be adjusted. ]
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It's strange that Hickey is quiet, waiting for Angelo to speak. They ought to have a plan, indeed, but Hickey is the one who usually makes those. Waiting for Angelo's suggestion feels like an oddity, and it brings him back to what he'd wondered just earlier today: why are they even here to begin with? What was Hickey seeking by returning? ]
Well. We haven't accomplished your goal yet, have we?
[ Whatever that goal was. ]
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Indeed. We can't say we've truly won against this place if we rely on Ish to see us out of it.
[ The fact that Angelo is unsure of his greater goal is lost on him. Hadn't he made it clear, at some point? His wanting to see this journey through to the end should be obvious.
And if that means Solomon and Magnus get to live as a result, well. Good for them. They are his last true connections to this world, now that he thinks about it. The rest of it can burn. ]
Can you tolerate remaining here for so long?
[ His voice lowers, his tone more serious. Agreeing on their plan is one thing, but it comes with both great risk and great discomfort. They may run out of food entirely. They may find the ship frozen in ice again, unable to sail come spring. Even if the next few months go well, Hickey would be surprised if they retain their numbers. Some among them are going to die, whether by starvation or scurvy or... necessity. ]
Winter will be far worse than anything we've weathered yet.
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[ No point banking on an exit strategy that may not even manifest to begin with. All this would do is weaken his resolve to see winter through properly. Back at the castle, a part of Angelo had believed that he has lived through worse anyway, that this could be no different from living on the streets... and he knows now that he'd been wrong about that. A different kind of pain, a different kind of hunger, and a cold he's never had to endure without a spacesuit.
Angelo turns his head towards the windows - there is nothing to see outside but darkness, but he knows that darkness is treacherous and freezing. It's the death he escaped, waiting for him to come back to it... but he won't. Hickey doesn't bet on losing horses. ]
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The threat of winter does have him nervous, though. Their provisions especially are not promising. They can try to fish and perhaps hunt once they make safe harbor, but without success there... Maybe they'll get lucky and some of their men will die naturally. Otherwise, he will cull their numbers again if he has to. ]
Mainly, we'll be very cold and very bored. Everyone will be in a foul mood.
[ There is no sense in pointing out the lack of food. Angelo knows. Everyone knows.
Though, as he thinks about it... ]
You may enjoy some aspects of winter, actually. There will be a lot of snow.
[ He remembers Angelo's reaction to seeing the pack. ]
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But Hickey is right, he does like the snow. It covers up all the filth of the world. ]
All will be blanketed in pure untainted white...
[ It is going to be too cold to spend much time on deck looking out, and it will be dark too, but Angelo will still be tempted. The lack of sunlight might at least protect him from the risk of snowblindness, that he is as yet totally unaware of. ]
And there'll be stars day and night, right? I'll feel right at home with that. The observation deck was always my favorite.
[ Would that they could sit on deck together for hours, dreaming the winter away under the twinkling of space above. Angelo would have liked that. ]
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Angelo will never shine like this in front of the others. This is just for them. A nice thought. ]
How do you stand the lack of sunlight? I find it miserable.
[ He has a feeling it may not be so bad this year, however. ]
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[ Angelo doesn't like sunlight all that much, if he's honest. It's too bright, too relentless. Conceptually, that just bothers him. Maybe all the years spent working nights and sleeping away most of the day also helped desensitize him to the lack of light--
He's almost content to leave it at that, finding it a reasonable enough explanation, but then some common knowledge pops up at the back of his brain and gives him pause. ]
I suppose they also use UV lamps on spaceships to simulate daylight a bit more effectively...?
[ He doesn't sound perfectly sure of this, because he isn't. As long as things function, their inner workings feel like none of his concern. ]
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You have lamps that can simulate daylight.
[ His head tips to the side. It's not a question, but also, it is. ]
But the sun is in space, is it not? Wouldn't you have more direct access to it?
[ Or perhaps Angelo is simply too far from the sun to benefit. He said he was from behind the moon... Wait, but that's a lie. Isn't it? Oh no. His face pinches together in thought as he tries to make it make sense. ]
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No, the sun doesn't really light up space, it's-- Wait, no. They bundle sunlight with mirrors for the open type colonies, don't they...?
[ He cuts himself off, displeased with the way he's tripping himself up without delivering an explanation that Hickey will find in any way satisfactory. He's never in his life had the levity to care about how stuff works - to him it matters that it does, and making sure it does is someone else's problem. This means that Hickey's earnest and insatiable curiosity is quite the difficulty to overcome.
Finally letting go of Hickey's hands, Angelo turns towards the door to Hickey's cabin. ]
Ugh. It's too cold to have this talk standing in the middle of the room - let's at least get comfortable first.
[ Once they're settled on the mattress, bodies huddled close under the same blanket, Angelo manages to muster up a bit more patience for thinking about the laws of light and space. His explanations are halting and filled with guesswork to patch them out, but Hickey seems happy enough to keep pestering him with more questions so... maybe it's not all bad.
It's only Hickey who could relentlessly bug him about gaps in his education without making Angelo bite his head off sooner rather than later. An unknown dynamic, created only for them and between them. It makes Angelo feel a little strange when he finally disentangles and sneaks back through the greatroom to his own room.
He knows love, knows it as intense and overwhelming, but he does not know the sensation of falling. Does Hickey feel it when they sit together like this? ]