spotsalone | angelo and the hickster's post-belle arctic adventures

Does he now?

[ He knows what Angelo means, or at least he thinks he does. Now that they're back on the ships, even Tozer has to admit it's an odd and empty feeling to be without a captain. Even Hickey, acting in the role though he is, doesn't claim the title for himself. Regardless of any loyalties, the spectre of Crozier hangs heavily over them all.

But he doesn't know what the point is in bringing all of this up. ]

What is it that you're looking to learn here, lieutenant?

[ He tries to keep his tone casual, but it just comes out weary.

The lock finally comes loose after Tozer gives it a good yank. Then, he steps back so Angelo can fuss with it accordingly. He's just here to be a pack mule. ]

[ Angelo huffs. It comes out as a visible little white cloud. ]

You're the one who told me to integrate. Can't I make conversation?

[ It's not until his back is turned to Tozer again, rifling through the linens stored inside the crate, that he adds: ]

I wanted to know if all that lingering loyalty is worth a damn. Sounds like it's not.

[ Because he knows. He knows what it's like to pine for a Captain, to want to carry on his flame even when he is no longer there, no longer even relevant to the present situation. Seeing shadows of it in the others is disconcerting. Every negative description of Crozier is balm to the part of him that felt tense about it, but it makes the matter all the more baffling, too. ]

[ Tozer rolls his eyes, though he's careful to make sure the action goes unseen. Angelo really is a petulant teenager sometimes. ]

Does it matter?

[ He sits down on one of the boxes while Angelo rifles through the crate. ]

Crozier's dead. We're not. Even Hodgson and Diggle can do that math for themselves.

[ Goodsir clearly couldn't, but they're rid of him now. The others would've turned a long time ago if they had intentions of turning. Most of their men are here out of cowardice, which in a situation like this, works in their favor. Their loyalty is easy to keep when sticking with the group is the only chance of survival. ]

[ The simple logic, voiced as though irrefutable, makes Angelo tense up. His hands ball into fists around the fabric he's inspecting. It's thick as he'd hoped for, clean, and appears to have been spared damage by pests. A fortunate find, by all accounts. Angelo is barely feeling it now, and not just because his fingertips are numb.

'Your captain is dead.'

Hickey's voice, gently reminding him as though he had deluded himself into forgetting somehow, as if that were the issue here. It plays back in Angelo's had with an infuriating clarity. The first crack in the ice that they've been foolish enough to built on. ]

... I see why Cornelius appreciates you.

[ The same pragmatism. The exact element that had drawn Angelo to Hickey in the first place - so dangerous when probing at what Angelo holds sacred and yet so reliable when it's not. ]

[ A brightness chimes in his heart at the approval and he hates himself for it. It should not mean anything at all to have this confirmation, to know that he's been spoken of favorably. Appreciates. That's how Cornelius would put it, too.

Tozer is quiet for a moment as he tries to tamp that feeling down, instead focusing on solving this strange little mystery. Why does Angelo care about any of this? Crozier is well out of the picture. Has Hickey sent him here to temperature check Tozer's loyalty?

Ugh. He hates these stupid chess games. ]

He ought to. I've earned it.

[ His hand squeezes at the bandage he still wears around his palm. He wishes he had a cigarette. ]

Whatever he's told you about Crozier is probably true, but he has more reason to hate the captain than the rest of us. All of us, we're here because we didn't trust Crozier to get us out, but... It's personal for Cornelius.

[ Maybe to his detriment, really, but Tozer won't admit to thinking that. Personal or not, Crozier was a liar who had planned to abandon them all. Hickey was right about Crozier, and Crozier was right about Hickey—but at least Hickey doesn't pretend to have the moral highground. That's... something, maybe. ]

[ It's strange to hear Tozer say that with such detachment. Between the lashing and the aborted execution, Hickey has every reason to bear a true grudge towards Crozier, but the latter of this applies to Tozer just the same. It makes Angelo feel like what Hickey told him about his relation to that captain wasn't the whole truth, either.

The blank spaces in the expedition's history do not bother him as much anymore now that he's begun exchanging more words with the crew than strictly necessary for bellowing commands. At the same time, they are becoming ever more pronounced.

He turns to Tozer to shove a folded pile of cloth into his arms. ]

And it's not, for you?

[ This line of inquiry is beside the point of what he was originally asking, but he finds that he is genuinely curious. Despite their similar lines of work, Tozer is still a stranger to him in most ways. ]

[ Tozer accepts the pile, distantly clocking that the handoff was kind of rude, but the thought slides away quickly. Unimportant—and he's immediately caught up in the question, anyway. ]

That's different.

[ The delineation feels clear in his mind, though it takes him a moment to distill it into words. He's never talked about this before. Why would he? ]

The sentence for mutiny is death. That's how it is. There wasn't anything personal about it.

[ Of course he holds it against Crozier, but it was a fair price to pay, ultimately. Tozer knew what their moves might cost them. He knew conspiring against the captain was likely a death sentence, but following Crozier would've been a death sentence, too. Hanging is quicker than starving or freezing.

Though, Crozier did force him to lie about Fairholme's sledge party. Crozier did send the marines out to square off against that creature time and time again. Is there something personal in Tozer's decision to mutiny? Maybe...

God, he doesn't want to unpack that now. Ever. It doesn't matter. Crozier is dead, and Tozer already made his choices. ]

But Cornelius set out to help us and got bit for it. Got more than twice as many lashes as Manson and Hartnell. Granted, he dug his own hole there, but...

[ Tozer hadn't heard the full story until months later, after the mutiny was already in motion. There had been plenty of rumors and whisperings among the men as to why Hickey's punishment was so much more severe, but it wasn't until Terror Camp that Tozer finally probed Manson about it.

The story gave Tozer the final push he needed to commit to Hickey's plan. It takes serious guts to stand up to a captain like that. Any other man among them would've let himself be dressed down, unfairly or not. ]

For better or worse, that man is not afraid of anything. Crozier could've used that, and he didn't.

[ He shrugs. He's... kind of forgotten his point by now, or what Angelo's question was in the first place, but surely this is enough of an answer. ]

[ The more details come out about this lashing story, the more Angelo realizes that there is a spectacular misunderstanding somewhere in here. Hartnell? Who the fuck is Hartnell? It doesn't really matter, because at least it's abundantly clear that even the greatest ally of in the Earth Sphere would not frame gay sex as an act to 'help' the greater group.

His signature scowl deepens as Tozer speaks, and he does not think to hide his frustration. Once again, Hickey's left out crucial details. In itself, that isn't a problem. A man is entitled to his secrets. Even as he is filled with curiosity, Angelo does not need to know where Hickey came from and who he used to be in order to follow him until the edge of the universe. It's just moments like this, where not knowing makes Angelo look like a fool in front of someone who by all rights has less claim to Hickey than he does... It's moments like this, where the tightlippedness eats at him.

Angelo hates feeling out of the loop. Information is a currency and in this place beyond society, its importance has inflated. He wants to take his irritation out on Tozer, but there is no way to do that without also revealing the sheer depth of his obliviousness.

So maybe it is a good thing, then, that the last line makes him smile despite himself. ]

Could he? Or would he have been swallowed up?

[ What an odd question. Tozer can't tell if it's intended as an insult. Angelo must be aware by now of the effect Hickey has on others. He may even be swept up in it himself, though if he is, he seems to welcome it.

Tozer shifts, settling the bundle of fabric on his lap. If it's an insult, it's also a good question. What might their story have looked like if Crozier hadn't turned against Hickey? Would it have changed anything, in the end? ]

He could've, yeah. He made his steward a lieutenant just before we broke away. Why not a caulker's mate?

[ It occurs to Tozer for the first time that Jopson's promotion did turn out to be a catalyst for putting their plan into motion... Was that a coincidence? Just an opportunity Hickey chose to seize? ]

But if you're asking if Cornelius would've stayed in line had Crozier made an ally of him, I haven't got an answer for you.

[ There's a beat of hesitation as Tozer weighs how much to share with Angelo. They've gotten along well enough since their last conversation, but that doesn't mean there's any real trust between them. It'd be stupid to say anything less than glowing about their fearless leader.

On the other hand, Hickey liked Tozer best when he had more bite to him. What more could they possibly do to him, anyway? ]

We've both seen how unpredictable he is. The moment I think I've got him sorted, he changes again.

[ Angelo had never thought of Hickey as unpredictable - not until they arrived on Terror. Selfishness and survivalism are easy motivations to track when you know that's what you're looking for. It's the trappings of a more cushioned society that make the fortunate struggle to understand. Seen from the perspective of the littered backstreets, Hickey had been the most comprehensible person in the world, set only apart by an above-average helping of creativity. How he'd loved that stability... But the Elias who would speak to him of love is not the man he thought he'd followed to the arctic. Whether that misunderstanding is for the better, it's impossible to tell.

Though there's still more crates to salvage isolating material from, Angelo closes this one shut, and hops to sit on top of it. It may be too cold for human existence down here, but this isn't a conversation he wants to be having in the forecastle either.

He grins at Tozer. It's not friendly, but it's not hostile either. He's pleased that Tozer feels bewildered. ]

You could call that 'adaptable', too.

[ But winding back a little... A steward to a lieutenant, huh? ]

That steward... The one called 'Jopson', isn't that right?

[ He's heard the name a few times now. His efforts to keep the living areas and particularly the greatroom tidy appeared to invite comparison to the ghost of a man long gone from this barge. Funny, to think that this 'Jopson' would have another thing in common with Angelo - a lieutenant out of nowhere. He knows from experience how tough that standing is. ]

[ Angelo sets aside his work to... sit and chat? That can't be good. He sits up a little straighter, tensing as he tries to assess the change. He may have nothing left to lose, but that doesn't mean he's going to drop his guard. ]

I could, but I didn't. I know he was planning to sell all of us out before everything that happened with the two of you.

[ Suspects, anyway. Strongly. Hickey never outright admitted it, but even he had, no one can trust a word out of his mouth, anyway. Tozer has learned to read between the lines.

In any case, he says this with no malice attached. Holding such a thing against Hickey would be to admit a betrayal, and to admit a betrayal would be to admit that Tozer's life mattered as much to Hickey as it did to Crozier. There would be no point in any of this, then, if he was never worth anything.

So. Moving on: Tozer nods. ]

Jopson, yeah. He's not worth knowing.

[ If Angelo is prodding for information that might help him here, that's a dead end. ]

[ It's a bold statement, and Angelo can appreciate the balls to say it out loud to him when by all accounts, he and Hickey are a united front these days. He even understands the sentiment, watching Hickey lean towards something that is larger than all of them and feeling that sinking in your stomach that this is it, this is where the gravity of the divine becomes too much to match. But that hadn't happened.

'I did come back to you.'

That hadn't happened, not for Angelo, and not for Tozer.

At the castle, mad with grief and betrayal, Angelo hadn't thought to question their destination. Going to where one came from had felt only natural, even when that place was here - and since then, he's been treating this challenge as self-explanatory, as something they have to face and overcome because that's where they have found themselves, but...

The comment about Jopson goes almost unheard, and thus entirely ignored, because: ]

We could have gone anywhere, after the castle, did you know? He chose to come back here.

[ And Angelo had never really thought to ask why. 'The goodness of his heart' certainly won't be the answer. Maybe Tozer has a point. Maybe this is the opposite of adaptable, after all. ]

[ Tozer resolves not to let his guard down, and yet Angelo relays this information and the marine can't help the surprise in his expression.

Hickey had explained his motivations for returning here, but Tozer hadn't believed the story—because Tozer assumed he truly had no choice in the matter. But of course he must have, if Angelo is here instead of wherever he came from.

I would be sorry to see you die here. Tozer hadn't believed those words, either. Now, he wonders... ]

He hadn't mentioned that, no.

[ He's quiet for a moment, eyes dropping to the floorboards. This changes things. How, though, he isn't yet sure. His mind doesn't move as quickly these days. ]

Why? He told me he wanted to see us survive, but... There must be something bigger that he's after.

[ Even if they make it back to London, they're likely to be arrested. Trading information about the Passage might keep them out of the noose, but Hickey has campaigned against charting their route. He might've come back for the Tuunbaq, but whatever his plan had been, he'd clearly abandoned it out there on the ice...

It doesn't make sense. None of it makes sense. ]

Isn't there always?

[ Angelo smiles thinly, but it's more for the purpose of unsettling Tozer than anything else. In actuality, Angelo remembers quite clearly that Hickey had refused to define his long term plans beyond 'truly living'. Keeping his options open and whatnot. No, Angelo is quite certain that there are no grand designs that lay beyond their journey through the arctic. Hickey wouldn't have promised to come to his world with him, if there were. This means the arctic is the point in itself, but even Angelo doesn't know how that works. ]

Though I never felt the need to ask.

[ This is an admission made more easily than not knowing about the details of the lashing. He's here for Hickey, not for the landscape. They all knew this. ]

[ Oh, Tozer doesn't care for that little grin. He would assume it means Angelo knows some great secret he's unwilling to share, but the statement that follows contradicts that suspicion. Still, he doesn't like it.

He doesn't like the implication that Angelo is happy to blindly follow Hickey, either. Tozer has little ground to stand on in that particular argument, but it sits heavily on him regardless. ]

You could've gone anywhere too, then. But here you are.

[ Angelo's presence makes even less sense now. If he's only here for Cornelius... What a sad thought that is. ]

[ In hindsight, Angelo should have expected that response. It brings them back to something they'd circled in their first lengthy conversation, too. Back then it had been Tozer acting out of suspicion, but this time it feels a lot less pointed. With the castle explained to Tozer, surely he now understands there is no gain Angelo could make at their expense here. He's not a witch, and he's not feasting on their souls. He's just freezing and starving like everyone else.

Angelo is quiet for a moment, lips pressed tightly together. Eventually, he settles on a simple response: ]

There was no place worth going.

[ It is true, too. He could have gone anywhere. With the people offering him shelter or somewhere else entirely. And he didn't, because all of those worlds were equally empty without the Captain in them, and the curiosity sparked by Hickey was the most passionate emotion his fractured mind could muster. ]

You couldn't go home?

[ He assumes the answer is no. He remembers what Angelo told him the last time they spoke, about serving under some captain in a ... Neon Zero army, or something. Liberation of space colonies, and so forth. Royal Guard. He laid all that out with a fierce pride that pierced through all the spite in his voice, and then said that path was no longer available to him.

There must be a story there, and Tozer doubts he's going to get it, but... Well, maybe they have another commonality between them. Tozer can't exactly go home, either. ]

[ Home. What a loaded term.

For a lot of his life, Angelo had thought of it as something that doesn't apply to him. Home had been his house in Globe. A clean living space, the soft smell of air freshener hanging engulfing him. A mellow tune on the radio. Papa's strong arms to pick him up and carry him to the kitchen, so he could get a spoonful of what Mama was making. 'Home' was buried under rubble many years ago, and could never be replaced.

The mansion of 'prayer' hadn't been home. It was a prison holding him hostage. The ever-changing city streets hadn't been home. The Blue Butterfly had been a place of residence, but it hadn't been home either. A shitty unsanitary bed to sleep on, nothing more.

But then... Angelo had no attachment to the mining asteroid Palau. The castle-in-the-rock they were made to live in had been clean and convenient, but when Frontal had given the order to abandon it, Angelo hadn't grieved. That hadn't been home.

And yet... A red-clad figure, broad shoulders, a reliable back. Someplace Angelo would have returned to, no matter from how far away. It's not until now that Angelo applies the word 'home' to Full Frontal, but the sentiment had been within all along.

He inhales and exhales slowly, clouds of white forming in front his his face. ]

There is no such thing anymore.

[ His hands ball into fists within his gloves. Maybe conversation was a mistake anymore. ]

[ He's struck a nerve, it seems, though of course Angelo is too buttoned up to give any hints as to what that nerve might be. A sign to back off, then. Noted. Maybe he can tease that story out over time—or maybe he can't. What does it matter? He doesn't care about Angelo's personal business.

...Except he does care, if only a little, and for no other reason than something about Angelo pinging his instinct to protect. Is it his age? The similarities between them? The fact that he's a fellow soldier? Is it simply that Tozer has no one else to watch out for?

Add it to the list of details he doesn't care to unpack. Ugh. ]

And now you're here, betting on Cornelius, huh?

[ He remembers that word choice of Angelo's. Betting. There's so much about Angelo that strikes him as odd, but he can't quite find an inroad to unravel any of the threads. It's annoying.

Tozer leans back against the support beam behind him. Hm. How would Hickey play this? ]

I didn't expect you'd be much use to us once we made the ship, but I see now why he wanted you along. You're a reliable second.

[ With a skillset quite different from Tozer's own, so offering the compliment doesn't damage his own pride too much. ]

[ Angelo huffs. The bait and switch from insult to praise does a good job at keeping him distracted from trying to work out any hidden intentions on Tozer's part.

After all, he is correct. Angelo has taken great care to make himself indispensable over the past week. He may not be a sailor, but he knows how to household and he's been making that his pillar as he learns about the former. ]

Of course I am. I have ample experience. If my Captain never had cause to complain, then you people should not be able to find fault in my work ethic either.

[ It's the one thing setting him apart from the fabled Jopson - he's earned his qualifications a while ago, though also not through traditional means. Angelo's always made sure that his work speaks for itself. Full Frontal doesn't do charity cases - that thought alone had done wonders for his self-confidence. ]

[ Oh, look at that. It kind of worked. ]

We've got plenty of experience too. Just not the energy to use it.

[ Angelo had the benefit of coming into the game late, but still, Tozer expected him to tire more by now. The fact that he hasn't is respectable. He must be as miserable as anyone, but he's got a good game face. ]

The way you talk, it sounds as though you had a captain you believed in. Lucky, that.

[ If there's anything that sets Angelo apart from the rest of the men, it's that fact. He's not a mutineer, literally or figuratively. He's not jaded and bitter like the others.

...Well. Not in the same way. ]

'Lucky'?

[ Angelo's eyebrows shoot up, but his expression doesn't turn to anger. Rather, he smiles. A little wider than usual. A little more genuine. ]

That doesn't even begin to cover it.

[ There's something a little different about him when he talks about his Captain. It's been shining through here and there in the last week - small mentions, something fervent glistening underneath the grime of their current situation. Now it's on full display. Angelo isn't really looking at Tozer as he speaks, but he's not seeing the hold either. His gaze is fixed somewhere else, to a different world and time, to a red flash he was meant to follow no matter to what destination. ]

The Captain... The Captain was a miracle. An man who had completely transcended humanity, shed the lies and deceit that make us such a despicable species... The sole existence worth trusting. For those of us who were abandoned in space, he was a ray of hope. The king of the dispossessed, to lead us to a future worth living in, free from the filth that has been thrust upon us by the Federation.

[ It feels good, to say all this out loud. He's held back too much in these past few months, denied himself the cries of his heart. Even though he'd boldly declared to Hickey that he could never remove the Captain from his heart, he had tried to let his image dull of Hickey's benefit. Angelo exhales slowly, a sigh of relief. ]

I do not believe there has ever been his like - nor will there be in the future.

[ As Angelo speaks, a thick dread creeps in and settles over Tozer, like a fog dense enough to taste. It takes him a long moment to puzzle out why, and even then he can only parse the rough shape of his concern: Angelo's obsession points to a vulnerability of the mind, and Hickey must have found a way to exploit this already. Is that why he brought Angelo here? Did Hickey hear a speech like this and twist it into his personal goal? What a perfect little pet project it would be to try and redirect such a devotion to himself.

Or has Tozer read this all wrong? He just said how unpredictable Hickey is. Angelo was entirely unbothered by that fact—a problem in and of itself.

The last thing Tozer wants is to involve himself in whatever's going on between the two of them, but... He sighs heavily. ]

Humans are despicable.

[ He's only echoing Angelo's sentiment, but it feels truer than it should. ]

And yet you'd count yourself among them? You said before you were head of his royal guard.

[ Tozer remembers that detail very clearly. ]

[ Angelo pauses at that. Of course he would. He's filled up with filth from the ground up, threatening to overflow at any minute. The lowest of the low, pathetic enough that even the greatest do-gooders of polite society would trample on him. What about that is not despicable?

But that's not something he really wants to go into with Tozer. His past is his own business, and nobody but Hickey will ever need to know.

So he smiles. ]

Ah, but don't you remember? I'm an angel.

[ An avenging angel, following a god of destruction. ]

[ ... ]

Right.

[ He can't quite decide if Angelo is messing with him on purpose or if he truly believes what he's saying. Both options are troubling. Both options are annoying.

Tozer doesn't return the smile, of course. He lets his gaze drift up briefly as he listens for the crew. With so few of them on the ship, it's at least relatively easy to gauge how private a conversation is. He doesn't hear anyone on the orlop and hasn't heard footsteps on the ladder above, so... ]

If you've a problem with lies and deceit, then you've thrown your lot in with the wrong crowd. But surely you've discovered that by now.

[ His eyes land on Angelo again. This is a risk, and probably a pointless one. Neither of them can change course now even if they wanted to. ]

From the sound of it, Cornelius has a different approach to leadership than your captain.

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