spotsalone | angelo and the hickster's post-belle arctic adventures

[ Angelo had never thought of Hickey as unpredictable - not until they arrived on Terror. Selfishness and survivalism are easy motivations to track when you know that's what you're looking for. It's the trappings of a more cushioned society that make the fortunate struggle to understand. Seen from the perspective of the littered backstreets, Hickey had been the most comprehensible person in the world, set only apart by an above-average helping of creativity. How he'd loved that stability... But the Elias who would speak to him of love is not the man he thought he'd followed to the arctic. Whether that misunderstanding is for the better, it's impossible to tell.

Though there's still more crates to salvage isolating material from, Angelo closes this one shut, and hops to sit on top of it. It may be too cold for human existence down here, but this isn't a conversation he wants to be having in the forecastle either.

He grins at Tozer. It's not friendly, but it's not hostile either. He's pleased that Tozer feels bewildered. ]

You could call that 'adaptable', too.

[ But winding back a little... A steward to a lieutenant, huh? ]

That steward... The one called 'Jopson', isn't that right?

[ He's heard the name a few times now. His efforts to keep the living areas and particularly the greatroom tidy appeared to invite comparison to the ghost of a man long gone from this barge. Funny, to think that this 'Jopson' would have another thing in common with Angelo - a lieutenant out of nowhere. He knows from experience how tough that standing is. ]

[ Angelo sets aside his work to... sit and chat? That can't be good. He sits up a little straighter, tensing as he tries to assess the change. He may have nothing left to lose, but that doesn't mean he's going to drop his guard. ]

I could, but I didn't. I know he was planning to sell all of us out before everything that happened with the two of you.

[ Suspects, anyway. Strongly. Hickey never outright admitted it, but even he had, no one can trust a word out of his mouth, anyway. Tozer has learned to read between the lines.

In any case, he says this with no malice attached. Holding such a thing against Hickey would be to admit a betrayal, and to admit a betrayal would be to admit that Tozer's life mattered as much to Hickey as it did to Crozier. There would be no point in any of this, then, if he was never worth anything.

So. Moving on: Tozer nods. ]

Jopson, yeah. He's not worth knowing.

[ If Angelo is prodding for information that might help him here, that's a dead end. ]

[ It's a bold statement, and Angelo can appreciate the balls to say it out loud to him when by all accounts, he and Hickey are a united front these days. He even understands the sentiment, watching Hickey lean towards something that is larger than all of them and feeling that sinking in your stomach that this is it, this is where the gravity of the divine becomes too much to match. But that hadn't happened.

'I did come back to you.'

That hadn't happened, not for Angelo, and not for Tozer.

At the castle, mad with grief and betrayal, Angelo hadn't thought to question their destination. Going to where one came from had felt only natural, even when that place was here - and since then, he's been treating this challenge as self-explanatory, as something they have to face and overcome because that's where they have found themselves, but...

The comment about Jopson goes almost unheard, and thus entirely ignored, because: ]

We could have gone anywhere, after the castle, did you know? He chose to come back here.

[ And Angelo had never really thought to ask why. 'The goodness of his heart' certainly won't be the answer. Maybe Tozer has a point. Maybe this is the opposite of adaptable, after all. ]

[ Tozer resolves not to let his guard down, and yet Angelo relays this information and the marine can't help the surprise in his expression.

Hickey had explained his motivations for returning here, but Tozer hadn't believed the story—because Tozer assumed he truly had no choice in the matter. But of course he must have, if Angelo is here instead of wherever he came from.

I would be sorry to see you die here. Tozer hadn't believed those words, either. Now, he wonders... ]

He hadn't mentioned that, no.

[ He's quiet for a moment, eyes dropping to the floorboards. This changes things. How, though, he isn't yet sure. His mind doesn't move as quickly these days. ]

Why? He told me he wanted to see us survive, but... There must be something bigger that he's after.

[ Even if they make it back to London, they're likely to be arrested. Trading information about the Passage might keep them out of the noose, but Hickey has campaigned against charting their route. He might've come back for the Tuunbaq, but whatever his plan had been, he'd clearly abandoned it out there on the ice...

It doesn't make sense. None of it makes sense. ]

Isn't there always?

[ Angelo smiles thinly, but it's more for the purpose of unsettling Tozer than anything else. In actuality, Angelo remembers quite clearly that Hickey had refused to define his long term plans beyond 'truly living'. Keeping his options open and whatnot. No, Angelo is quite certain that there are no grand designs that lay beyond their journey through the arctic. Hickey wouldn't have promised to come to his world with him, if there were. This means the arctic is the point in itself, but even Angelo doesn't know how that works. ]

Though I never felt the need to ask.

[ This is an admission made more easily than not knowing about the details of the lashing. He's here for Hickey, not for the landscape. They all knew this. ]

[ Oh, Tozer doesn't care for that little grin. He would assume it means Angelo knows some great secret he's unwilling to share, but the statement that follows contradicts that suspicion. Still, he doesn't like it.

He doesn't like the implication that Angelo is happy to blindly follow Hickey, either. Tozer has little ground to stand on in that particular argument, but it sits heavily on him regardless. ]

You could've gone anywhere too, then. But here you are.

[ Angelo's presence makes even less sense now. If he's only here for Cornelius... What a sad thought that is. ]

[ In hindsight, Angelo should have expected that response. It brings them back to something they'd circled in their first lengthy conversation, too. Back then it had been Tozer acting out of suspicion, but this time it feels a lot less pointed. With the castle explained to Tozer, surely he now understands there is no gain Angelo could make at their expense here. He's not a witch, and he's not feasting on their souls. He's just freezing and starving like everyone else.

Angelo is quiet for a moment, lips pressed tightly together. Eventually, he settles on a simple response: ]

There was no place worth going.

[ It is true, too. He could have gone anywhere. With the people offering him shelter or somewhere else entirely. And he didn't, because all of those worlds were equally empty without the Captain in them, and the curiosity sparked by Hickey was the most passionate emotion his fractured mind could muster. ]

You couldn't go home?

[ He assumes the answer is no. He remembers what Angelo told him the last time they spoke, about serving under some captain in a ... Neon Zero army, or something. Liberation of space colonies, and so forth. Royal Guard. He laid all that out with a fierce pride that pierced through all the spite in his voice, and then said that path was no longer available to him.

There must be a story there, and Tozer doubts he's going to get it, but... Well, maybe they have another commonality between them. Tozer can't exactly go home, either. ]

[ Home. What a loaded term.

For a lot of his life, Angelo had thought of it as something that doesn't apply to him. Home had been his house in Globe. A clean living space, the soft smell of air freshener hanging engulfing him. A mellow tune on the radio. Papa's strong arms to pick him up and carry him to the kitchen, so he could get a spoonful of what Mama was making. 'Home' was buried under rubble many years ago, and could never be replaced.

The mansion of 'prayer' hadn't been home. It was a prison holding him hostage. The ever-changing city streets hadn't been home. The Blue Butterfly had been a place of residence, but it hadn't been home either. A shitty unsanitary bed to sleep on, nothing more.

But then... Angelo had no attachment to the mining asteroid Palau. The castle-in-the-rock they were made to live in had been clean and convenient, but when Frontal had given the order to abandon it, Angelo hadn't grieved. That hadn't been home.

And yet... A red-clad figure, broad shoulders, a reliable back. Someplace Angelo would have returned to, no matter from how far away. It's not until now that Angelo applies the word 'home' to Full Frontal, but the sentiment had been within all along.

He inhales and exhales slowly, clouds of white forming in front his his face. ]

There is no such thing anymore.

[ His hands ball into fists within his gloves. Maybe conversation was a mistake anymore. ]

[ He's struck a nerve, it seems, though of course Angelo is too buttoned up to give any hints as to what that nerve might be. A sign to back off, then. Noted. Maybe he can tease that story out over time—or maybe he can't. What does it matter? He doesn't care about Angelo's personal business.

...Except he does care, if only a little, and for no other reason than something about Angelo pinging his instinct to protect. Is it his age? The similarities between them? The fact that he's a fellow soldier? Is it simply that Tozer has no one else to watch out for?

Add it to the list of details he doesn't care to unpack. Ugh. ]

And now you're here, betting on Cornelius, huh?

[ He remembers that word choice of Angelo's. Betting. There's so much about Angelo that strikes him as odd, but he can't quite find an inroad to unravel any of the threads. It's annoying.

Tozer leans back against the support beam behind him. Hm. How would Hickey play this? ]

I didn't expect you'd be much use to us once we made the ship, but I see now why he wanted you along. You're a reliable second.

[ With a skillset quite different from Tozer's own, so offering the compliment doesn't damage his own pride too much. ]

[ Angelo huffs. The bait and switch from insult to praise does a good job at keeping him distracted from trying to work out any hidden intentions on Tozer's part.

After all, he is correct. Angelo has taken great care to make himself indispensable over the past week. He may not be a sailor, but he knows how to household and he's been making that his pillar as he learns about the former. ]

Of course I am. I have ample experience. If my Captain never had cause to complain, then you people should not be able to find fault in my work ethic either.

[ It's the one thing setting him apart from the fabled Jopson - he's earned his qualifications a while ago, though also not through traditional means. Angelo's always made sure that his work speaks for itself. Full Frontal doesn't do charity cases - that thought alone had done wonders for his self-confidence. ]

[ Oh, look at that. It kind of worked. ]

We've got plenty of experience too. Just not the energy to use it.

[ Angelo had the benefit of coming into the game late, but still, Tozer expected him to tire more by now. The fact that he hasn't is respectable. He must be as miserable as anyone, but he's got a good game face. ]

The way you talk, it sounds as though you had a captain you believed in. Lucky, that.

[ If there's anything that sets Angelo apart from the rest of the men, it's that fact. He's not a mutineer, literally or figuratively. He's not jaded and bitter like the others.

...Well. Not in the same way. ]

'Lucky'?

[ Angelo's eyebrows shoot up, but his expression doesn't turn to anger. Rather, he smiles. A little wider than usual. A little more genuine. ]

That doesn't even begin to cover it.

[ There's something a little different about him when he talks about his Captain. It's been shining through here and there in the last week - small mentions, something fervent glistening underneath the grime of their current situation. Now it's on full display. Angelo isn't really looking at Tozer as he speaks, but he's not seeing the hold either. His gaze is fixed somewhere else, to a different world and time, to a red flash he was meant to follow no matter to what destination. ]

The Captain... The Captain was a miracle. An man who had completely transcended humanity, shed the lies and deceit that make us such a despicable species... The sole existence worth trusting. For those of us who were abandoned in space, he was a ray of hope. The king of the dispossessed, to lead us to a future worth living in, free from the filth that has been thrust upon us by the Federation.

[ It feels good, to say all this out loud. He's held back too much in these past few months, denied himself the cries of his heart. Even though he'd boldly declared to Hickey that he could never remove the Captain from his heart, he had tried to let his image dull of Hickey's benefit. Angelo exhales slowly, a sigh of relief. ]

I do not believe there has ever been his like - nor will there be in the future.

[ As Angelo speaks, a thick dread creeps in and settles over Tozer, like a fog dense enough to taste. It takes him a long moment to puzzle out why, and even then he can only parse the rough shape of his concern: Angelo's obsession points to a vulnerability of the mind, and Hickey must have found a way to exploit this already. Is that why he brought Angelo here? Did Hickey hear a speech like this and twist it into his personal goal? What a perfect little pet project it would be to try and redirect such a devotion to himself.

Or has Tozer read this all wrong? He just said how unpredictable Hickey is. Angelo was entirely unbothered by that fact—a problem in and of itself.

The last thing Tozer wants is to involve himself in whatever's going on between the two of them, but... He sighs heavily. ]

Humans are despicable.

[ He's only echoing Angelo's sentiment, but it feels truer than it should. ]

And yet you'd count yourself among them? You said before you were head of his royal guard.

[ Tozer remembers that detail very clearly. ]

[ Angelo pauses at that. Of course he would. He's filled up with filth from the ground up, threatening to overflow at any minute. The lowest of the low, pathetic enough that even the greatest do-gooders of polite society would trample on him. What about that is not despicable?

But that's not something he really wants to go into with Tozer. His past is his own business, and nobody but Hickey will ever need to know.

So he smiles. ]

Ah, but don't you remember? I'm an angel.

[ An avenging angel, following a god of destruction. ]

[ ... ]

Right.

[ He can't quite decide if Angelo is messing with him on purpose or if he truly believes what he's saying. Both options are troubling. Both options are annoying.

Tozer doesn't return the smile, of course. He lets his gaze drift up briefly as he listens for the crew. With so few of them on the ship, it's at least relatively easy to gauge how private a conversation is. He doesn't hear anyone on the orlop and hasn't heard footsteps on the ladder above, so... ]

If you've a problem with lies and deceit, then you've thrown your lot in with the wrong crowd. But surely you've discovered that by now.

[ His eyes land on Angelo again. This is a risk, and probably a pointless one. Neither of them can change course now even if they wanted to. ]

From the sound of it, Cornelius has a different approach to leadership than your captain.

[ 'By now'...? As if Angelo would have ever been naive enough to expect otherwise. The betraying, lying, cannibalizing mutineers are exactly what he expected them to be. And if he's honest, it's not always unpleasant to watch. He doesn't know what these people's lives were like before coming here, but he can catch glimpses of it in their attitudes, their beliefs of what they are owed by the world. Those proud citizens of the Empire, brought to their knees... It serves them right, doesn't it? ]

This is sounding an awful lot like a warning, Sergeant.

[ It's funny, in a way, to be underestimated like this. ]

And I would never seek to replace the Captain. You'd do best to remember that.

It is.

[ There's no sense in denying it. ]

For him, lying is as natural as breathing. We've both watched him do it. Even when you know it's coming, know it's happening, it's...

[ It's manipulation, is what it is. Tozer knows this, but as soon as his mind conjures the word, he shoves it away again, unwilling to accept that he's been swept up by something so simply defined. There must be more to it, some larger thing that Hickey can tap into where others can't. Manipulation alone would be too easy to shake off once Tozer could name it, but he thinks of that moment in the tent, weeks ago now, when he knew Cornelius was dooming them and still he allowed it to happen. How? How did he convince their men that he could guarantee survival better than Crozier? That Billy's death was to be celebrated instead of mourned? That he wasn't the one who brutalized Irving and Farr—or if he did, that it was justified?

They all know better. They must. But they're all here anyway, gripped by whatever spell Hickey has cast. That man could slaughter one of their own in plain sight and no one would question it.

It's revolting—and it leaves Tozer awestruck and desperate for it. He doesn't understand that combination of emotions, but he knows he doesn't want it for Angelo. ]

I don't condemn him for it. We're alive because of how he operates. You can learn to spot when he's pulling one over on you.

[ Acting on it is the difficult part. ]

[ Tozer is scared of Hickey. It shouldn't come as a surprise, but it stills hits Angelo unexpectedly. Thus far their half-baked rivalry appeared based around posturing about who knows Hickey better, who is best suited to be his enforcer among the men - there had been jealousy and entitlement in it, of course, but he hadn't known about this. This plain fear.

Angelo finds that he can't understand it.

There are many things he is afraid of when it comes to Hickey, but he cannot recall ever having been afraid of him. He'd known what Hickey is from the very beginning. All that changed at the castle was his impression of how competent the man was at the matter. And here...? Here what has surprised and unsettled him are the glimpses between the cracks. The hurt that can show in Elias' eyes, or the way he breathes his name against his skin like Angelo is the only thing in the world he wants to be thinking of. The Elias who would cut himself off in a lie, unable to see it through to the end, is far more intimidating than the one who will murder without remorse.

It's an Elias who Tozer doesn't know, who Angelo will never let him see.

He is suddenly very aware of how much he has the upper hand here - yet it fails to be vindicating. There is concern in what Tozer is telling him, misplaced yet perhaps genuine. Tozer is taking a risk in telling him this much, when all that he speaks to Angelo can be assumed to get back to Hickey sooner rather than later. ]

And if you did spot it? What then? What would you do? What do you suggest I do?

[ He would've preferred Angelo to spit in his face and hurry up the ladder to rat him out to Hickey. If Tozer had an answer to that question, he wouldn't be here.

Which means he would be dead. His fate was sealed the minute he stepped aboard this ship, every choice thereafter distilling down into either death or... this. He barely recognizes himself anymore. Is it worth it, he wonders? To live. ]

I don't know.

[ His jaw clenches. All he can do is answer honestly. ]

See if you can discover why, I suppose.

[ Try not to let him into your head, he could say, though he knows that advice is too little too late for both of them. ]

Now that's pointless advice if I've ever heard any.

[ 'Why' is easily answered - what Hickey does, he does to get out ahead. It's a reliable baseline, easy to work from. It's what brought Angelo here. How ironic that he'd now be warned against the exact thing that drew him to Hickey in the first place.

He pushes off the crate and gets back to his feet, stamping down a little to get the cold out of his limbs. His forehead has settled into a scowl again. ]

Are you ever going to wrap your head around the fact that I came here because I chose to or do you need to learn it the hard way?

[ Frustration roils through him as Angelo scowls. It's the reaction he expected, but of course it comes after Tozer has revealed too much. Is this going to be a pattern? Twice now he's projected some common thread between them and risked himself to stop Angelo following down this same path—and twice now, he's had it thrown back in his face. Angelo doesn't want help. It doesn't matter whether or not he needs it.

But Tozer's frustration will die out quickly, and when this setup inevitably happens again, he'll be too exhausted to resist the temptation. His need to protect will take over, and... It feels good to try, even if it only sets him up to get bit.

Or maybe it's just that he can only stand to bottle these thoughts up for so long, and this isn't about Angelo at all.

He wants to ask if Angelo would make the same choice again, now that he's felt the reality of it. Tozer made a choice once, too. Instead, he follows suit and stands, dumping the fabric onto a chest. He squares to meet Angelo, though he keeps enough distance between them to avoid an outright threat. ]

And what would be the hard way?

[ If he were in peak condition, Angelo would stand no chance against Tozer. That would make him think better of provoking him, even now when he isn't serious about starting a fight (or rather: about starting it now). But with years of scarcity removing Tozer from his usual training regimen, Angelo doesn't feel all that intimidated.

The risk of escalation is one he's willing to take. Better to have Tozer angry at him than to be seen as a charity case. ]

I work you to the bone, obviously.

[ As if he doesn't already. ]

There's only so much commitment I can bring to the cause before you'll have no choice to believe my heart's in it, no?

[ It's absolutely not the 'hard way' he was previously hinting at and he's counting on that being obvious to Tozer as well. But there's no need to be crass. ]

[ He scoffs. Angelo isn't above making empty threats, it seems. Good to know.

It's a bit of a relief, though. As good as it would feel to hit something, Tozer isn't eager for a scrap. It'd be a waste of energy, and... Hickey would disapprove. Tozer is just starting to feel relatively secure about his position on the ladder.

That said: ]

I don't answer to you. I do the work because it needs done.

[ He nearly leaves it at that, but after a beat, he catches something he almost missed. ]

Which cause are you committed to, exactly?

Getting as many of you out of the arctic as possible. That's what he brought me here for.

[ At least nominally. The actual reasoning behind the decision still sits strangely with Angelo now that he's really thought about it. Hickey is no philanthropist. There is something he stands to gain by saving some of these men.

Finally, Angelo turns back to the next crate. This one was unlocked and it opens with not difficulty but a loud screech. Soon the reason for the lack of security becomes apparent: it's empty. Whatever was in here was likely packed for the walk-out. No matter. Angelo lets the lid drop again. ]

I don't like you and you don't like me, but that makes no difference to this.

angelo and the hickster's post-belle arctic adventures

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