Cornelius Hickey (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
spotsalone) wrote2025-04-11 07:04 pm
spotsalone) wrote2025-04-11 07:04 pm
Entry tags:
angelo and the hickster's post-belle arctic adventures
angelo cr chart
mutineers cr chart...
timeline:
- arrival; late july, mutineers' hill
- tent chats; early august, temporary camp
- spotting the ships; late august, terror camp
- tuunbaq attack; sept 1, ice floe camp
- boarding terror; fellas it's gay; early sept, hms terror
- dog to dog communication; early sept, forecastle
- bark bark bark; early sept, on deck
- coat! and post-tozer debrief; early sept, angelo's cabin
- 🌶️; early sept, hickey's cabin
- the dogs are unionizing(?); mid sept, cargo hold
- tozer/captain stuff, look at them having an adult conversation; mid sept, greatroom
- little rescue mission; early oct, terror bay
- post-little debrief; early oct, hickey's cabin
no subject
Seems like we both decided earlier than assumed, then.
[ The echo of his own confession is at least not lost on him. He'd said it with no small amount of desperation, trying to smooth over the strange rift that had opened under their feet, but it had been the truth. He decided to bet on Hickey before Hickey ever knew.
And part of him wants to know when and why Hickey had made the reverse decision, but asking feels vulnerable in a way he can't stomach even now that the air around them is so tender and calm. ]
I don't know if the coat will fit exactly right like this. Some fabric was lost to the claws, so in the worst case might still need to make later adjustments.
no subject
The thought makes Hickey pause, mouth twitching into a brief frown. That is significant, isn't it? In a worrisome way. Angelo's ambivalence toward his own existence has not been lost on Hickey. The detail was noted as soon as it appeared, quickly filed away as anecdotal information that might become useful for future machinations. It's only now that Hickey considers what such a thing might be like to experience. He can't relate in the slightest. ]
The coat was too large on me to begin with. It's perfect. Don't worry yourself.
[ His attention drops to the fabric again. With the dark color, it will be difficult to tell that the coat was repaired at all from a distance. That suits them, doesn't it? The care Angelo has put into stitching over the Tuunbaq's destruction, rendering it nearly invisible... There's something to that. ]
Why did you want to die before Ish brought us to the palace?
no subject
Huh?! Where's this coming from all of a sudden?
[ Angelo's confused tone may be difficult to tell apart from his angry one (too often, they are one and the same), but he hasn't rushed to pull his hand away. It's not out of character for Hickey to ask him invasive questions, but this seems out of the blue even for him. Why did he-- Talk about a loaded question. It almost comes as a surprise that Hickey hasn't put enough of it together for himself that asking has become superfluous. Angelo feels like everything about his abysmal situation had already been spread around the castle like little gossip columns. His abuse, his death... all common knowledge, for the crowd to judge over. But he doesn't mind confirming if it's Hickey - Hickey who already knows so much. It's better to tell him the rest on his own terms. ]
no subject
He's not put off by Angelo's reaction, though. It takes so little to trigger these small outbursts. Best to proceed unalarmed. ]
I don't understand, and I'd like to. It's relevant to our current situation.
[ It's not really an answer, but maybe it's enough of one. ]
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His expression grows more solemn, and after a long and pregnant pause, he nods. ]
Alright.
[ You asked, he almost wants to add, because there is no way Hickey will take this well. (That's all the more reason he needs to say it. He can't keep being a coward about this. It's beneath him as Frontal's right hand. It's beneath Frontal to be treated this way.) ]
I hadn't been trying to die, then. I just... I wanted to revive him.
[ There it is, then. He's said it a few times now, at the castle. He's dead, he's dead, he's dead. It no longer feels paralyzing to speak the words. That in itself feels a little melancholy. ]
-- at first when I woke up from trying to free myself, I didn't understand why I'd be left alive. I'd finally taken the leap. Why would this dirty world try to keep me so? But then...
[ Now that he's talking about this, he does slip his hand out from under Hickey's, joining it with his other one in his lap. His fingernails dig into his own skin as he speaks. ]
With nowhere else to go, the Captain came back to me. He was slumped over in his cockpit, and he was-- he was so cold--
[ His voices gives out a little, but after a second of pause, he manages to continue. ]
I wanted to give him everything. Every bit of warmth I had left in me. He, who tried to shoulder the world on his own... I wanted to give him comfort. It wasn't until I was at the castle that I... that I realized that it had been...
[ ... too late. He can't say that. Even now. It can't have been futile, all that love poured into the solid shape in his arms. He remembers how it felt. Those reliable broad shoulders, leaning against him. ]
no subject
He knew Angelo's captain would feature prominently. He has time to steel himself for the jealousy that he expects to come, but he doesn't need to. Hearing about Frontal in the past tense is not as painful. Hickey has loved others, too. He remembers how difficult it was to lose some of them, particularly when he was younger.
He's never felt the selfless devotion that Angelo describes now, though. The losses may have been difficult, but they never stopped him looking forward, paving over the holes in his heart however he could. They are memories, and nothing more. Longing for anything he can no longer have does not do him any service.
Angelo pulls his hand away and there's a flicker of panic, but Hickey wills himself not to read into it—and instead, a flash of Billy, fingers tugging at Hickey's sleeve to bid him to stay, but Hickey had already made up his mind, he would not watch Billy fall apart like this—
Was that a similar choice, he wonders? Angelo risking himself to save his captain, and Hickey accepting the burden of loss to spare Billy further pain. Hm. ]
I see. You wanted to sacrifice yourself so that he could live.
[ It does make for a damn good story, Hickey must admit. Poetic and beautiful, yet wholly incompatible with the reality of life. There is no such thing as a good death. Even if something comes after, it's unacceptable to think of willingly leaving this life having accomplished so little. Despite Angelo's age, he managed to make a decent name for himself by the sound of it, but was he ever truly happy? Has he ever loved someone who's loved him back? How unfair it would've been for Frontal to take something so precious as Angelo's life when all he provided in return was a master to serve.
Hickey draws his hand back to his own lap, back to the coat, fingers again trailing over the neat stitches. Frontal did not appreciate Angelo properly, Hickey has decided. If he had, Angelo would not be so desperate in his eagerness to please, especially at such an expense. To think that Angelo might have died comforting a corpse... How pointless. ]
I think... that you did him a great kindness.
[ Billy again, crumpling in his arms, blood spilling weakly over the knife in his hand. ]
And that you undervalue yourself. You're worth more than expending yourself for the sake of another. Any other.
no subject
Angelo is braced for anything, but not for the kindness in Hickey's voice. It's enough to make him look up from where his gaze had been aimlessly directed at the floor, searching Hickey's eyes instead. It's a futile effort to try and seek proof of sincerity in the face of such an expert liar, but the impulse is hard to shake.
'Any other'? He's including himself in that? Angelo hadn't taken him for someone who is so wasteful with resources. It's a foolish softness he could dwell on more easily, if it weren't for the way Hickey's words, gentle as they may be, still needle at a part of himself he feels he ought to defend. ]
The Captain is not just anybody.
[ Dying for somebody else is certainly foolish, but Frontal... ]
The greatest value my life could have had was to be at his service. Giving that life for him? That's nothing. Not even worth considering in comparison to the magnitude of his existence. It's not a matter of myself being worthless, it just goes to show how far above humanity my Captain has risen.
[ There's no anger in his voice, but his tone is absolute, not allowing for any argument. His own worth he can stand having negated, but Frontal? Frontal is untouchable. Frontal is worth all he had to give, and more. ]
no subject
It would be exceptionally foolish to fall in love with Angelo. The signs could not be clearer: This will hurt, and it will hurt badly, and he'll be furious with himself for falling into the trap of optimism again. He cannot believe he's still naive enough to think he can escape the monkey's paw of his life.
But even as he thinks this, his eyes drift back to the damn coat. It's proof, Angelo said.
You haven't given up on yourself yet, have you?
If Angelo wants to define his worth in the shadow of some spectre, fine. Hickey has never been worth anything to anybody but himself. Why should love look any different? Maybe this is still better than being alone, or maybe it's not, and he'll claw himself out of hell again when the other shoe drops. Everything is an opportunity. A challenge. ]
Of course. I meant no offense.
[ He smiles. It's strained and fake, but not unkind. ]
Though you must understand why I dislike hearing you speak about yourself like this. Evidently I'll need to be glad enough for the both of us about your continued existence.
[ And about Frontal's death, but he elects to keep that to himself. ]
no subject
But Hickey is still trying. It shows in his smile and in his voice, slowly and carefully explaining himself as if to keep Angelo from lashing out at him. And once again it's about respect, about liking Angelo's presence, and Angelo wonders if Hickey understands, truly understands, that the Angelo Sauper he'd come to enjoy only exists thanks to the very Captain he seems to so loathe hearing about.
A part of Angelo wants to throw that at him, to finally unleash all the talk about his love that he'd kept bottled up inside, and to see Hickey's expression fall and fall. But Hickey is still trying and it's so irritating that he has the composure to do so, but--
'You've earned more respect than the way you describe yourself now. '
Again and again, it comes back to this. Hickey's lips were so gentle. What words can he find that will allow him to stay here without having to give himself up? There's no answer, just needles under his skin. If Hickey had met Frontal, would he finally understand? Probably not. ]
... you knew you wouldn't like my answer, and you still asked.
[ It sounds petulant. This is definitely not the right words. Angelo inhales deeply. Next attempt. ]
I'm not glad to be alive, but I'm glad to be here with you. [ A beat. ] Do you believe I'm lying about that?
no subject
I believe that your being here has put you into a position where the greatest value of your life is no longer available to you.
[ He won't answer the question. It's not an immediate no, and Hickey refuses to consider it further than that. ]
So you must find a way to make peace with second greatest. I would argue that the second would become the first as soon as that door was closed to you, but it seems that's where our perspectives diverge, isn't it?
[ As he speaks, he stands from the bed and unfolds the coat to shrug it on. It fits as well as it ever did. Some of the fabric lays a little unevenly near the collar, but Angelo has done good work. Hickey smooths a hand over the mending. Nearly erased, but not quite.
He straightens as he looks back up at Angelo. A leader should wear this badge of honor with pride, Angelo had said, so Hickey does, his expression a perfectly calculated picture of calm and confidence.
Yet as their eyes meet, he realizes with violent clarity that while he chose Angelo over his god, Angelo would not make that same choice. Poetic and beautiful. ]
Though I understand the difficulty in accepting that your greatest desire is not compatible with reality.
no subject
But oh, Hickey is so irritating. His brow twitches, his hands ball into fists. What a polished little speech, all about his injured pride. He wants to punch him. Slam him against the wall and-- ]
I've accepted it.
[ He'd been doing well at avoiding slipping into his signature snarl, but there's no holding it back now. ]
The Captain isn't coming back for me and I can't bring him back either. I don't want to bring him back - if I had, you'd best believe there would be blood on my hands already.
[ Ish's game had tempted him. Of course it had. ]
There's no such thing as 'second greatest'. There never was any competition. There was no path without him-- and you--
[ Angelo gets up as well, crowding Hickey against the wall for real. His hands reach for the lapels of the coat he so lovingly repaired, just so he can bring their faces closer together, so he can fix the full intensity of his stare right on Hickey from up-close. ]
You opened one that should never have existed. I'm on this miserable ship, half-freezing to death and facing starvation within a month's time, and I'm not even regretting my choices, because you are here. And that's not enough for you, but you're going to have to take responsibility for it anyway, because I won't allow you to invade my heart like this and then let go.
no subject
Angelo rises to meet him and Hickey is caught offguard enough to be backed against the cabin wall. Angelo's hands lock him there, now the only thing stopping him from a swift exit. Leaving so abruptly would be damage control, the last chance he has to contain this fire before it reduces them both to smoldering rubble.
With that option closed to him, cornered as he is, it's Hickey's self control that burns up first. ]
I have no hope of earning your heart as it already belongs to your captain.
[ The words are a furious hiss. There is already little space between them, but Hickey shoves forward anyway. He will not be cowed. ]
You kissed me, and then the first words out of your mouth were to make that fact clear. If there is no competition, you have done a shit job of conveying it. "Discard me at your peril", you said, but you failed to consider that loving you will be far more painful than any wound you could purposely inflict.
[ He manages the thin victory of not raising his voice, but only just. His glare is seething. He grabs for Angelo's wrists with both hands to wrench his grip off of the coat. ]
Yet here I am, prepared to let myself fall knowing you will never love me as I love you. If that is not enough, then there is truly no hope for either of us.
no subject
Love? Cornelius Hickey-- No, Elias Cooper speaking of love?
That feels ludicrous. Even as Angelo had been lured into believing that he cared for him, wanted him by his side, would prioritize him... even then, a word this heavy had never crossed his mind. Love is not an emotion people feel for something as broken as himself, even if they might say as much to get into his pants at a discount. ]
Elias--
[ He'd had an inkling that he'd been hurting Elias, certainly. There'd been something in his voice when he spoke of mockery that betrayed emotions more profound than Angelo had dared to imagine, but--
It can't be enough. Not for what Elias wants, which is to banish Frontal from his mind. Neither of them can give enough to make this work. Angelo is certainly not going to cry, but there's a shimmer of moisture clouding his eyes.
Why couldn't it simply be as Angelo originally feared? Why couldn't he just use him? It would have hurt less. Anger is easier to feel than this. ]
Wait-- please.
no subject
Hickey squares himself, leashing his frustration again. He will not fall apart here, and Angelo already teetering on that edge only strengthens his resolve to keep himself together. He can bear the pain. He can bear anything.
Still, his eyes drop before he can find words again. ]
You don't love me, you don't trust me, you don't want me, and you only offer your life because you can no longer give it to him. You tell me that you're here because of me, yet I can't possibly fathom how that can be true.
[ Restrained though he is, he can't fully tamp down the tremor in his voice. ]
I don't understand why your devotion to your captain must mean there is no room left in your heart. He is important to you, and I would stand no chance of changing that even if I wanted to, but—
[ His jaw tightens, eyes squeezing shut as he wills himself to calm down. He shouldn't entertain this any longer. The best path forward for both of them is to leave before this gets any worse. Angelo has made his choice, and it's going to be an agonizing winter of trying to pretend the past week never happened, but that's as good as it's going to get. There's no point in— ]
Why? Why do you insist on forcing him between us?
[ The words are a whisper through clenched teeth. As soon as he asks, he knows he doesn't want to hear the answer, but he's frozen where he stands. Maybe if Angelo hurts him badly enough, this will be easier to put behind him. ]
no subject
He'd already known it for weeks now, but he'd always tried to fight the full realization down. Elias is neither his solid rock to hide under, nor is he an unfeeling punching bag. He can provide none of what Angelo had originally wanted from him, and yet--- ]
That's not...
[ He doesn't trust him. He doesn't love him. But he-- ]
Because I thought you'd want to change it. You say you don't, but you lord his death over me, you laugh at my loyalty, you hate to hear me even utter his name--
[ Ah, he's trembling now. That accursed shaking that keeps haunting him at all the wrong moments, near-constant in his first week at the castle. The Captain could calm it down, just existing close to him. So calm, a comforting darkness that swallows all... Angelo wants to hide in him now, but the path back to that sanctuary is forever closed. Captain, please... Captain... But Full Frontal isn't in front of him now, Full Frontal isn't who's been holding him and soothing his fears. He's betraying himself, he's betraying the Captain, and he just--- ]
I do want you. Why are you under my skin? Why are you in my head? I want you, so don't make me give up myself to give myself to you.
no subject
He's quiet for a moment. Is Angelo correct? Does he want to erase the captain from their story? Hm. It would certainly be a relief to be done with him altogether, an end to this incessant haunting. Angelo would likely be better off for it, unburdened by grief and the life he's lost.
But it's not that simple. ]
This captain of yours does not bother me. What bothers me is how you measure both of us against him. When you speak of him, it's as if you think you only exist to serve him. You disappear. You call yourself worthless and say your life has no value because you could not sacrifice it for him.
[ His tone is gentle again, though weary. There's a glimmer of hope again, but he resists latching on. ]
It upsets me that you would belittle yourself in such a way, and I am... I am sorry that my frustration there has clawed at you so.
no subject
But Hickey apologized. That's how this whole thing started, isn't it? With Hickey's willingness to apologize even to someone like him. With Hickey's willingness to look at him from eye level, despite the specter of his past haunting. Is all this talk about not minimizing his own worth just an extension thereof? Angelo can't quite make sense of it, least of all when his head is swimming like it is now.
It's difficult to find words when it feels like he doesn't understand the words Hickey is speaking, but... ]
I'm sorry, too.
[ It's harder to get the words out than it should be. He's too stubborn for this, he doesn't think he did anything wrong by defending himself and his love, but-- ]
I didn't want to push you away, just... I don't know how to do this. I don't know what you see in me. Nobody's ever looked at me this way. I can't--- The Captain could look past all my stains because he's beyond humanity, but you... You're seeing something I'm not.
no subject
Shh, it's all right.
[ He touches a hand to Angelo's shoulder. Comfort is a foreign thing to Hickey, and closeness is the only way he knows to convey sincerity.
He would very much like to break this trend of explosive arguments they have found themselves in, but at least they've achieved some level of understanding for their trouble. These issues of Angelo's run much deeper than Hickey realized. Undoing the damage will not be so straightforward, in part because Angelo's mind seems to work in a way that Hickey can't relate to. His fervent devotion, his hatred for himself, his untethered anger... There's a faint glimmer of familiarity there when Hickey compares Angelo to himself as a teenager, but too much time has passed for that to illuminate much. That was half a lifetime ago and that version of himself was sacrificed in the name of survival.
Will Angelo walk that same path, he wonders? Hickey isn't sure if he hopes for it or not. ]
We'll sort it out together. Much of this is new for me as well.
no subject
So he lets Hickey shush him and when the hand lands on his shoulder, he allows himself to slump forward and rest his head on Hickey's shoulder. The coat smells faintly of the soap he used to scrub the blood out. Hickey smells of it now. Angelo likes that.
They can't give each other what they truly want. It's now become clear that that is a mutual problem. And still...
Angelo is silent for a good long while, breathing Hickey in deep. The trembling is difficult to fight down, and he is all too aware that Hickey can feel it against his body, but there is nothing he can do to change that. He need the darkness right now, closing his eyes and simply staying this way. Sheltered by the very thing that tore him apart, because there's nothing else. ]
... no man in their right mind would come to this place if they didn't desire something from it.
[ That he isn't in his right mind at all is not the point here. ]
I must look pitiful to you right now, but even then I'm not so low that I would give myself up as mere repayment. I'm not in the business of selling myself anymore.
[ I want you. Maybe it's just desserts that Hickey won't believe him on that. After all, Angelo doesn't trust him either. How often will they have to repeat themselves before they understand each other at all? It's exhausting to even consider the question. ]
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Of course, Angelo is not talking about any of that. It's meant as a reassurance, tangible proof that Angelo is here for him, but it fails to resonate. They did manage to forge some kind of connection between them at the palace, but if their situations were reversed, would Hickey have signed up for this just for Angelo's sake? It would've been an easy answer at the time: No, unless his only other option was certain death.
Hickey does not trust Angelo either, he realizes. It's not exactly new information—he doesn't trust anybody, and Angelo has not yet given reason to be exempt from that fact—but it feels like a shift regardless. None of Angelo's words are likely to be an outright lie, but just because he believes what he's saying doesn't mean that it's the truth. He's still reeling from the loss of his captain, of his life, of everything he's known prior to Ish's game... Such a violent transition would be easier to stomach with a guiding light to follow.
Hickey pulled Tozer into his orbit over much the same thing. Men are vulnerable when they're lost. Hickey had not been trying to lure Angelo in, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. Sometimes the mind is so desperate to distort itself that it will latch onto the first available solution. Hickey simply existing in Angelo's field of vision might've been all it took.
Building on a foundation that's been cracked and warped from the beginning is not a hopeful prospect. ]
I know. And I don't want you at the expense of yourself.
[ He leans in for an indulgent few moments, pulling Angelo against him, smoothing a hand over his hair. It feels nice. It can't last.
He draws back. One hand cups under Angelo's jaw to lift his head up again so they can look each other in the eye. ]
You'll need to stop making assumptions about my view of you. You're often wrong.
[ It's said lightly and with a smile. With any luck, it'll hide that Angelo has guessed correctly this time. The pity may be understandable given the situation, but it's pity nonetheless. Admitting to it serves neither of them. ]
no subject
Angelo can't tell whether his smile is real or not, but it has to be good enough. ]
... it appears so.
[ Someone like Hickey shouldn't be such a fountain of encouragement and respect. It's all wrong. Nothing about the picture of him that Angelo had built up in his head during their castle stay has held up.
Seems like neither of us got what we bargained for.
It's funny, isn't it? That they got themselves here, plunging into a relationship that doesn't deserve the name, and will inevitably break each other into pieces. That's what they get, what people like them deserve.
Dizzy with misery, still shaking like a leaf, Angelo nevertheless gives a lopsided little grin. ]
Hey, Elias. [ He can't keep being the more fragile one. ] Can I kiss you?
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Noted. No more babying. That amount of caution would get tedious quickly, anyway. ]
You don't have to ask, either.
[ Playfulness doesn't come easily in the wake of this mess, even if they've sorted themselves out for the moment. His thumb brushes across Angelo's cheek. Angelo is still trembling, and Hickey... isn't sure what to do about that. He lets it be for now, thinking it best not to draw attention. ]
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I can't give you what you want. Wouldn't want to, even if I could. The wrong thoughts to have as you wrap your arms around someone's shoulders, pulling them in for a kiss, but Angelo's pretty sure he's never had any correct thoughts about kissing anyway.
He remembers the way Hickey approached him in the captain's cabin. And he knows how to emulate that kind of hunger, that kind of heat. He can't give Hickey what he truly desires, can't make him his living God, the only one in his heart... but he can give him this. An expression of desire legible to all who are not as broken as Angelo himself. Lips and tongue and teeth, as much as Hickey will let him, a practiced performance only a little rusty with age. ]
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But it takes Hickey longer than it should to draw these conclusions. Angelo comes at him in force and it's too convincing. For a moment, he's lost in it, swept up in his desire to be wanted and touched, to put all of the tension behind them and just enjoy this, finally. His fingers automatically twine in Angelo's hair as their tongues trace one another, warm breath mingling, heat spreading through him.
It takes so little to work him up anymore. A product of three years on this damned expedition, no doubt, but it's Angelo's doing, too. He wasn't this hungry with Billy. He had opportunities in the castle he could've pounced on, but was happy enough to shrug off. Angelo makes him work for it, though. Even something so simple as a kiss, Hickey doesn't take for granted. Every second they spend with their bodies pressed together is earned, and despite the darkness in Angelo's motivations lying just out of sight, the fleeting electricity between them is enough to mask it.
And what a frightening prospect that is. Angelo's arms wrap around him and Hickey thinks in earnest that he's just downplayed his own lust. Angelo wants this too, he must, he is not a man who fakes things—but none of that makes sense. Why lie in the lead up? Why lie and immediately betray the story? Angelo is not a man who fakes things, but he could fake this, couldn't he?
Hickey breaks the kiss with a frustrated hum, one that might be mistaken for an eagerness that must be quelled for the time being. ]
We mustn't get ahead of ourselves.
[ He wishes he could just allow himself to be convinced. It would be easier for both of them, wouldn't it? Angelo keeps insisting he wants this, even if not in the way Hickey needs him to. Is that enough? Is that another cracked foundation that will collapse into dust as soon as they try to build on it?
It's all too bloody complicated already—and they've been at this, what, three or four days? Hickey sighs. ]
Come to my cabin tonight, after the others have gone to bed.
no subject
They break apart and Angelo can still taste Hickey in his mouth. A lingering hint of tobacco that he's not sure ever disappears (or maybe it's just that he can't imagine Hickey tasting any other way?) and a slight tingling of his lips. Tastes and sensations that Angelo used to loathe, but the shadow of disgust won't settle, even now.
Reluctantly, Angelo untangles from Hickey and steps back. There's not a lot of distance to put between them in the narrow confines of his berth, even if he were trying, but he's fine with lingering close regardless of that. ]
We've done nothing but get ahead of ourselves.
[ It's meant to be a joke, but there is far too much truth in it for that. In retrospect, hauling the boat had been a mercy. It kept them occupied and exhausted, far too much so to start any nonsense. The minute they stopped being busy with unwanted manual labor, everything started bursting to the forefront. Angelo resolves to go and clean the forecastle hall today, to really wear himself out. Maybe then he won't be as prone to spiraling when they reconvene. Maybe. ]
I'll be there.