Cornelius Hickey (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
spotsalone) wrote2025-04-11 07:04 pm
spotsalone) wrote2025-04-11 07:04 pm
Entry tags:
angelo and the hickster's post-belle arctic adventures
angelo cr chart
mutineers cr chart...
timeline:
- arrival; late july, mutineers' hill
- tent chats; early august, temporary camp
- spotting the ships; late august, terror camp
- tuunbaq attack; sept 1, ice floe camp
- boarding terror; fellas it's gay; early sept, hms terror
- dog to dog communication; early sept, forecastle
- bark bark bark; early sept, on deck
- coat! and post-tozer debrief; early sept, angelo's cabin
- 🌶️; early sept, hickey's cabin
- the dogs are unionizing(?); mid sept, cargo hold
- tozer/captain stuff, look at them having an adult conversation; mid sept, greatroom
- little rescue mission; early oct, terror bay
- post-little debrief; early oct, hickey's cabin
no subject
But Hickey apologized. That's how this whole thing started, isn't it? With Hickey's willingness to apologize even to someone like him. With Hickey's willingness to look at him from eye level, despite the specter of his past haunting. Is all this talk about not minimizing his own worth just an extension thereof? Angelo can't quite make sense of it, least of all when his head is swimming like it is now.
It's difficult to find words when it feels like he doesn't understand the words Hickey is speaking, but... ]
I'm sorry, too.
[ It's harder to get the words out than it should be. He's too stubborn for this, he doesn't think he did anything wrong by defending himself and his love, but-- ]
I didn't want to push you away, just... I don't know how to do this. I don't know what you see in me. Nobody's ever looked at me this way. I can't--- The Captain could look past all my stains because he's beyond humanity, but you... You're seeing something I'm not.
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Shh, it's all right.
[ He touches a hand to Angelo's shoulder. Comfort is a foreign thing to Hickey, and closeness is the only way he knows to convey sincerity.
He would very much like to break this trend of explosive arguments they have found themselves in, but at least they've achieved some level of understanding for their trouble. These issues of Angelo's run much deeper than Hickey realized. Undoing the damage will not be so straightforward, in part because Angelo's mind seems to work in a way that Hickey can't relate to. His fervent devotion, his hatred for himself, his untethered anger... There's a faint glimmer of familiarity there when Hickey compares Angelo to himself as a teenager, but too much time has passed for that to illuminate much. That was half a lifetime ago and that version of himself was sacrificed in the name of survival.
Will Angelo walk that same path, he wonders? Hickey isn't sure if he hopes for it or not. ]
We'll sort it out together. Much of this is new for me as well.
no subject
So he lets Hickey shush him and when the hand lands on his shoulder, he allows himself to slump forward and rest his head on Hickey's shoulder. The coat smells faintly of the soap he used to scrub the blood out. Hickey smells of it now. Angelo likes that.
They can't give each other what they truly want. It's now become clear that that is a mutual problem. And still...
Angelo is silent for a good long while, breathing Hickey in deep. The trembling is difficult to fight down, and he is all too aware that Hickey can feel it against his body, but there is nothing he can do to change that. He need the darkness right now, closing his eyes and simply staying this way. Sheltered by the very thing that tore him apart, because there's nothing else. ]
... no man in their right mind would come to this place if they didn't desire something from it.
[ That he isn't in his right mind at all is not the point here. ]
I must look pitiful to you right now, but even then I'm not so low that I would give myself up as mere repayment. I'm not in the business of selling myself anymore.
[ I want you. Maybe it's just desserts that Hickey won't believe him on that. After all, Angelo doesn't trust him either. How often will they have to repeat themselves before they understand each other at all? It's exhausting to even consider the question. ]
no subject
Of course, Angelo is not talking about any of that. It's meant as a reassurance, tangible proof that Angelo is here for him, but it fails to resonate. They did manage to forge some kind of connection between them at the palace, but if their situations were reversed, would Hickey have signed up for this just for Angelo's sake? It would've been an easy answer at the time: No, unless his only other option was certain death.
Hickey does not trust Angelo either, he realizes. It's not exactly new information—he doesn't trust anybody, and Angelo has not yet given reason to be exempt from that fact—but it feels like a shift regardless. None of Angelo's words are likely to be an outright lie, but just because he believes what he's saying doesn't mean that it's the truth. He's still reeling from the loss of his captain, of his life, of everything he's known prior to Ish's game... Such a violent transition would be easier to stomach with a guiding light to follow.
Hickey pulled Tozer into his orbit over much the same thing. Men are vulnerable when they're lost. Hickey had not been trying to lure Angelo in, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. Sometimes the mind is so desperate to distort itself that it will latch onto the first available solution. Hickey simply existing in Angelo's field of vision might've been all it took.
Building on a foundation that's been cracked and warped from the beginning is not a hopeful prospect. ]
I know. And I don't want you at the expense of yourself.
[ He leans in for an indulgent few moments, pulling Angelo against him, smoothing a hand over his hair. It feels nice. It can't last.
He draws back. One hand cups under Angelo's jaw to lift his head up again so they can look each other in the eye. ]
You'll need to stop making assumptions about my view of you. You're often wrong.
[ It's said lightly and with a smile. With any luck, it'll hide that Angelo has guessed correctly this time. The pity may be understandable given the situation, but it's pity nonetheless. Admitting to it serves neither of them. ]
no subject
Angelo can't tell whether his smile is real or not, but it has to be good enough. ]
... it appears so.
[ Someone like Hickey shouldn't be such a fountain of encouragement and respect. It's all wrong. Nothing about the picture of him that Angelo had built up in his head during their castle stay has held up.
Seems like neither of us got what we bargained for.
It's funny, isn't it? That they got themselves here, plunging into a relationship that doesn't deserve the name, and will inevitably break each other into pieces. That's what they get, what people like them deserve.
Dizzy with misery, still shaking like a leaf, Angelo nevertheless gives a lopsided little grin. ]
Hey, Elias. [ He can't keep being the more fragile one. ] Can I kiss you?
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Noted. No more babying. That amount of caution would get tedious quickly, anyway. ]
You don't have to ask, either.
[ Playfulness doesn't come easily in the wake of this mess, even if they've sorted themselves out for the moment. His thumb brushes across Angelo's cheek. Angelo is still trembling, and Hickey... isn't sure what to do about that. He lets it be for now, thinking it best not to draw attention. ]
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I can't give you what you want. Wouldn't want to, even if I could. The wrong thoughts to have as you wrap your arms around someone's shoulders, pulling them in for a kiss, but Angelo's pretty sure he's never had any correct thoughts about kissing anyway.
He remembers the way Hickey approached him in the captain's cabin. And he knows how to emulate that kind of hunger, that kind of heat. He can't give Hickey what he truly desires, can't make him his living God, the only one in his heart... but he can give him this. An expression of desire legible to all who are not as broken as Angelo himself. Lips and tongue and teeth, as much as Hickey will let him, a practiced performance only a little rusty with age. ]
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But it takes Hickey longer than it should to draw these conclusions. Angelo comes at him in force and it's too convincing. For a moment, he's lost in it, swept up in his desire to be wanted and touched, to put all of the tension behind them and just enjoy this, finally. His fingers automatically twine in Angelo's hair as their tongues trace one another, warm breath mingling, heat spreading through him.
It takes so little to work him up anymore. A product of three years on this damned expedition, no doubt, but it's Angelo's doing, too. He wasn't this hungry with Billy. He had opportunities in the castle he could've pounced on, but was happy enough to shrug off. Angelo makes him work for it, though. Even something so simple as a kiss, Hickey doesn't take for granted. Every second they spend with their bodies pressed together is earned, and despite the darkness in Angelo's motivations lying just out of sight, the fleeting electricity between them is enough to mask it.
And what a frightening prospect that is. Angelo's arms wrap around him and Hickey thinks in earnest that he's just downplayed his own lust. Angelo wants this too, he must, he is not a man who fakes things—but none of that makes sense. Why lie in the lead up? Why lie and immediately betray the story? Angelo is not a man who fakes things, but he could fake this, couldn't he?
Hickey breaks the kiss with a frustrated hum, one that might be mistaken for an eagerness that must be quelled for the time being. ]
We mustn't get ahead of ourselves.
[ He wishes he could just allow himself to be convinced. It would be easier for both of them, wouldn't it? Angelo keeps insisting he wants this, even if not in the way Hickey needs him to. Is that enough? Is that another cracked foundation that will collapse into dust as soon as they try to build on it?
It's all too bloody complicated already—and they've been at this, what, three or four days? Hickey sighs. ]
Come to my cabin tonight, after the others have gone to bed.
no subject
They break apart and Angelo can still taste Hickey in his mouth. A lingering hint of tobacco that he's not sure ever disappears (or maybe it's just that he can't imagine Hickey tasting any other way?) and a slight tingling of his lips. Tastes and sensations that Angelo used to loathe, but the shadow of disgust won't settle, even now.
Reluctantly, Angelo untangles from Hickey and steps back. There's not a lot of distance to put between them in the narrow confines of his berth, even if he were trying, but he's fine with lingering close regardless of that. ]
We've done nothing but get ahead of ourselves.
[ It's meant to be a joke, but there is far too much truth in it for that. In retrospect, hauling the boat had been a mercy. It kept them occupied and exhausted, far too much so to start any nonsense. The minute they stopped being busy with unwanted manual labor, everything started bursting to the forefront. Angelo resolves to go and clean the forecastle hall today, to really wear himself out. Maybe then he won't be as prone to spiraling when they reconvene. Maybe. ]
I'll be there.